Giles uses that term a lot, usually when I turn off my workout music and leave him to his secret stash of Bay City Rollers tapes that he keeps in his office. I don't get the man's taste in "music" any more than I get his taste in clothes. I mean, it's a bazillion degrees in the shade and he's wearing more layers than Willow did in her Eskimo costume.

But I understand the phrase now that all the voices are gone. It was a cacophony of sound, nothing making sense, only a jumble of words and phrases and pain. I never knew there was so much pain, even in the lives of the people I thought were happy.

I mean, Mom has all these guilty feelings about sleeping with Giles, which I completely agree with. She should feel guilty. I mean, Giles? Why doesn't she just sleep with my dad or someone…er, well, I know what I mean anyway.

But besides those feelings, she's got responsibilities on her mind, like bills and guilt about the divorce and how my dad always lets me down and how she thinks that I'm going to walk out the door again and never come back.

That kind of pain shouldn't be shared. It's like looking at someone's ego, seeing that it's the same size as yours and not being able to do anything about it. It displaces you. It scares the hell out of you. It drives you crazy.

So, as icky as it tasted, I was kind of beyond glad that Angel fed me the heart of the other scaly demon. In retrospect, it might have been nice to have had a tail instead. But the demon's heart cured me, so now, as I told Giles, nobody is in here but me.

But I lied.

Because, when there's no one talking, if I concentrate hard enough, I can read people's thoughts. I can read the surface ones fairly easily and, if I concentrate, I can dig even deeper and they don't even know I'm there. It's still pretty wiggy, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

At least I thought that, until I found myself somewhere I so didn't want to be.

Willow sighed and sat at the table, dropping her book bag to the floor. Resting her head on her hands, she gazed over at me. "Hey."

"Why the long face?"

"You know the song, 'Everything's Comin' up Roses'?" She waited for me to nod then sighed again. "Well, my life is so totally not that song."

Leave it to Will to make a simple statement convoluted. "Trouble in honey-land?"

"No." She shook her head and managed a smile. "Oz is good. Everything with Oz is good. It's just…I don't know. Maybe this whole not knowing anything is just getting to me."

I was about to respond when the rest of the gang came in through the swinging door, bringing their arguments and snide comments along for the ride. Wesley was snipping at Giles and Xander was goading Cordelia with yet another jibe. Oz followed them at his typical sedate pace, slipping into the seat next to Willow. "Hey."

"Hi Oz." She smiled and leaned into his kiss, looking a little less lost. Cordelia followed Giles and Wesley back into the stacks and Xander just stopped at the base of the stairs, maybe realizing that as long as pseudo-Watcher was around, he wasn't going to hold Cordy's attention.

With a deep breath, he turned to the table and moved over to sit next to me. It's funny how just a couple of months ago, he would have sat next to Willow just to annoy Oz. Now, it's almost like all those years of friendship aren't there anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Oz and Cordelia hadn't found them that night. I wondered then, realizing that, for being their best friend other than one another, I had no idea how Xander and Will felt about their aborted relationship/affair.

I turned to Xander and looked at him. "What are you doing here?"

"More Ascension research, probably. Whatever Giles tells me to do." He shrugged and flipped open the book in front of him. I wanted to ask him, straight out, how he felt about her, but I knew I'd never get an honest answer out of him. After all those years of unknowingly hurting her, or hurting her for her own good, depending on who you talked to, Xander was trying to do the right thing - the good thing, and let Willow be with who she needed to be with.

Or at least who she thought she needed to be with.

I don't pretend to know who would be best for Willow. I can make a case for either side, but I know who Willow chose.

I opened a book myself, even though I knew the search was fruitless. We weren't going to find anything, simply because we had no idea where to look or what to look for. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack deep inside a cornfield in an Escher painting.

I love my job.

We all fell into a routine, Giles and Wesley's bickering providing a nice, soothing backdrop. Eventually, Cordelia left, noticing that as long as Giles was fighting back, she wasn't going to hold Wesley's attention. Oz disappeared right before the pizza arrived, claiming band practice and disappearing with Willow for a few long moments.

I thought it was nice that he didn't kiss her in front of Xander, although I'm sure that he knew what they were doing out in the hall. Did it hurt less, I wondered yet again, not to see but to know?

I stopped myself, though. I didn't want to abuse my friend's privacy. And that's what it is if they don't know I have the power. And for now, I've decided to keep it a secret from everyone. But the curiosity burned inside me and I was so tempted to just sneak a peek.

Willow walked back in with an armload of pizzas and set them on the desk. "I come bearing gifts."

"For me?" Xander snagged the box off the top. "But what are you two going to eat?"

We fell into companionable silence then, still researching as we ate. I could almost pretend it was sophomore year and we were all great friends learning how to survive on the Hellmouth together. But things changed and I knew we weren't those same kids anymore.

We weren't kids anymore at all.

But it felt good to pretend for a little while.

Then Giles and Wesley came down to join us, still arguing. Sometimes I wonder if there isn't something else between them, even though I don't think that's really Giles' thing. But I swear, sometimes it's like listening to Xander and Cordy. "Find anything?" Wesley asked.

"Nope." Xander grinned a cheesy smile. "Except for pizza."

"Quite." Turning to Willow, he tilted his head. "And nothing on the Internet? I thought you were to be some sort of whiz at manipulating the computer? It's bad enough the Mayor was aware of your hacking, but surely there's something out there somewhere…?"

He was about to continue when Xander stood up and grabbed him by the shirtfront. I had a brief flash of memory, remembering fighting hyena-Xander off, knowing somehow that the animalistic side of him was fully in charge.

Wesley's eyes grew dark and wide with fear as Xander glared at him. "Take it back."

His voice was calm and measured, which surprised us all. Giles watched him carefully, as did I.

Wesley's mouth flapped like a fish's as he struggled for air. Xander lowered him slowly to his feet before letting him go.

"Take it back."

Turning to Willow, but keeping Xander well within his line of sight, Wesley stumbled through an apology that she accepted in a sort of daze. Her eyes were on Xander as well; shining with an emotion it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out.

I had told her about how Oz had shattered the cauldron we were going to use to destroy the box of Gavrock without a word when her safety was at stake. She'd had that same look in her eyes then. I sighed, knowing nothing good was going to come from this.

Give me a doomed romance between a Slayer and a Vampire any day. This unrequited love for two men is far too complicated.

Giles tugged Wesley into his office to get him away from Xander's cool anger. I moved away from the table, giving them a little privacy. Xander knelt beside her and looked up into her eyes. "You okay?"

She nodded, her lower lip trembling. "Thank you."

"Anything for my…for you, Willow."

I felt the pain like a knife in my heart. I thought I saw Willow wince at his obvious correction, but I could have been mistaken. She blushed and looked down at her hands. "I appreciate it, Xander. More than you know."

He shrugged and stood, moving back around the table to sit opposite her. His eyes, though, they stayed locked on her, hunger shining out of them. I wondered for a moment what I should do. If I left, something might happen and then their lives would fall apart again. If I didn't, I was quite likely going to get caught in the middle of it.

Willow looked up at Xander and swallowed. He returned her gaze and the temperature in the room rose about thirty degrees. I was most definitely not needed. I opened the door to the office and ducked inside. Giles was at his desk, ignoring Wesley. Wesley was sitting on the small couch, looking like a reprimanded child.

"I need to not be out there. There are issues."

Giles nodded. Wesley started to say something, but the combination of glares from me and Giles kept his mouth shut tight.

I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. I had to patrol in a couple of hours and the emotions of the afternoon had worn my nerves down. Hopefully Watcher-boy could keep his mouth shut long enough for me to get some sleep.

"Xander."

"What?" I asked. Giles and Wesley both looked at me, confused.

"Did you need something, Buffy?"

"No. Sorry."

"Xander." I heard it again, and it dawned on me what it was. I was listening to Willow's thoughts. They were so intense, so focused; I didn't even need to try. It was as though I was thinking exactly what she was.

I walked over to the window and looked out at them. Xander had moved into the rare book cage and was deliberately not looking at Willow. She was sitting at the same spot, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling fairly rapidly. I leaned against the glass and closed my eyes, letting Willow's thought wash over me.

Soft music was playing in the background and Xander was standing across from her, dressed in a tuxedo. Instinctively I knew that this was the moment their relationship began to change. I watched as Willow relived their kiss. Only instead of pulling away as I knew they had done, Willow wound her arms around Xander's neck, pulling him closer.

Moaning her name quietly against her lips, Xander wound his arms around Willow's waist, gently rubbing her back through the velvety material.

Heat surged through Willow; her pulse racing as his tongue parted her lips and stroked the inside of her mouth. She let out a soft, frustrated groan and my eyes snapped open.

Xander was staring at me, his eyes wide. Looking away from me toward Willow, his look of confusion deepened until our eyes met again and he smiled. Together, we both realized what had happened. Not only was I reading Willow's thoughts, I was broadcasting them straight to Xander. I glanced quickly at Giles and Wesley, making sure I wasn't in their heads as well, then I looked back to my friends.

Out in the library, Xander had moved to the seat next to Willow. He took her hand and their eyes met. They stared at each other for a long moment, their thoughts clear. Willow's mind echoed Xander's name and his was filled with only her.

Smiling at Willow, Xander closed his eyes and leaned forward. Willow did the same, their foreheads touching. I closed my eyes once again, and we were right back where Willow had left off.

Xander's hands slid around Willow's waist and again his tongue slipped into her mouth. Her tongue darted out to tangle with his, her body pressing impossibly closer.

Her hands slid down his back, coming to rest on the tight curve of his ass and, in a tribute to her doppelganger, she squeezed gently.

Xander's body surged forward, his erection pressing demandingly against her stomach.

Moving one hand around, Willow put some distance between them. Xander protested softly until her hand began stroking him through his tuxedo pants.

"Oh God, Will," he whispered, thrusting forward.

She grinned up at him and moved her other hand around. Carefully maintaining her strokes, she eased his zipper down and moved her hand inside.

Xander caught her arms and held her back out of reach. "Wait."

She shook her head, her features frustrated. "Don't want to wait." Her hands found the buttons of his jacket, undoing them as quickly as she could. Pushing the material off his shoulders, she let it fall to the floor.

Xander closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply as her hands caressed his chest. He knew he should stop. Everything in him that tried to be right and decent was telling him that where Willow was going with this wasn't right. But the feel of her warm hands through the thin material of his shirt was like fire seeping through his skin into his blood.

"Wills," he tugged her closer and kissed her again, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth and taking her breath away. His hands smoothed over her back again, this time finding the zipper of her dress and lowering it easily.

The soft sound seemed to fill her bedroom. The dress hung loosely on her shoulders, the reflection of her bare back greeting his eyes as he pulled away from the kiss. Grasping the thick straps of the gown, he eased them over her shoulders toward the floor.

Willow placed her hand on Xander's shoulder and stepped out of the dress, blushing as she stood before him, wearing nothing but a pair of panties. Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath before carefully tossing the dress over the screen she'd been changing behind.

Turning back to her, he opened his eyes and allowed himself to look at the perfection that was his best friend. He'd deliberately not looked at her for so long that the sight of her, gloriously displayed in front of him was a revelation. "I was wrong. Gorgeous doesn't even begin to cover it."

His hands trembled as he reached out to touch the soft swell of her breast, tracing the curve of it until he reached the hard nipple. His thumb brushed over it, feather light, and he couldn't help but smile as she moaned her pleasure.

Her hands brushed his away and she reached for his shirtfront again. Her fingers found the buttons and undid them, pushing the shirt to the ground. She drank in the sight of his chest, golden brown and lightly sprinkled with dark hairs. Her own thumbs found his nipples and brushed them, causing her to giggle as his body responded in the same fashion hers had.

"You're still overdressed Xander."

He fumbled with his slacks, hurrying to get them off. Tossing them onto her chair, he stood in front of her in his dark blue boxers and smiled. "You know, the last time we were together like this, I think I was seven."

"And I was six." Willow grinned. "You've changed."

"So have you." Xander gathered her up in his arms, lifting her slightly in the air so that her breasts were even with his mouth. "Right here, for example, you look a little different."

He bent his head and took the nipple between his lips, sucking and licking it while Willow writhed in his arms. Walking the short distance to her bed, Xander carried her, his mouth never leaving the succulent heat of her breast.

Her fingers tangled in his hair as he finally pulled away. She expected him to set her on the ground, but instead, he very gently lay her on her bed. Settling beside her, he trailed his fingers over her stomach, watching as her body shivered with his touch. "Willow?"

She turned her green eyes to his and simply nodded, not needing the words to be spoken. Her hand wound through his dark hair and pulled his head down to hers. Their kiss was electric, sparking flashes of desire through them both as their bodies pressed together, flesh meeting flesh for the first time.

He crushed her to his chest, the rough hairs teasing the hard buds the topped her creamy breasts. His hands moved down her back to rest just above the waistband of the satin panties that she wore. His touch burned into her flesh, her whole body on fire for the feel of him.

Willow broke the kiss, panting for air. Pushing Xander onto his back, she leaned over him and traced his lips with her fingertip. "I've wanted you to do this for so long, Xander."

"No one is stopping you, Willow." He brushed the auburn hair back out of her eyes and smiled. "I want you so much."

Her hand slipped over his strong chin, down his throat, over his chest to the top of his boxers. "How much?"

"Feel me."

Taking hold of the elastic waistband, she eased it down over his prominent erection. Xander raised himself off the bed so that she could move the material further down his legs, exposing himself to her eyes. Wiggling just a little, he managed to kick the boxers off completely.

Willow smiled at him, placing a light kiss on his nose. "I love you, Xander."

"I love…" he stopped as her warm hand grasped his cock, slowly stroking it with nervous hands. His whole body shuddered with desire and he struggled to remember how to breathe. "…you," he whispered.

She didn't respond, her whole being concentrated on the simple stroking movements she was making with her hand. Xander watched her brow furrow and bit his lower lip to keep from laughing.

"You have no idea how happy I am that you don't know what you're doing."

She blushed and looked away from her hand. "I've read…but I've never…"

He placed his hand over hers and guided her into a rhythm. She relaxed, resting her head on his shoulder as she caressed him, learning the feel of him and adjusting to his body's reactions to her touch. She closed her eyes and increased the speed of her hand as Xander's hips started moving, sensing somehow that he was getting close when his hand tightened on hers and then pulled it away.

"Wh…"

"Willow, honey, I don't want it to end like that." He turned onto his side, still cradling her head on his arm. "I want to be inside you."

"Oh."

Xander leaned forward and nibbled her lip, licking the flesh swollen from their kisses. "But before we get that far, I want you to need me inside you."

"I do."

He shook his head and levered himself up so that he could look at her. "Not yet." He sat up and helped her discard her panties, damp with excitement. Easing back into his previous position, he resumed his slow appraisal of her. Resting his hand on her upper thigh on her upper thigh while he held her eyes, he slowly moved it upward until his fingers found the downy silk of the hair between her thighs. "Open your legs, Willow."

The request, so soft and sensuous, sent a shiver through her as she parted her legs, allowing him access to her. Xander moved his fingers down, brushing the velvety skin with faint touches before parting the engorged lips. He moaned softly as her wetness coated his fingers like a liquid invitation. He found the tight opening of her vagina and placed his finger against it.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care if you hurt me." She was trembling all over, unable to control the needs and desires pulsing through her. She arched her hips off the bed, offering herself up to him. "Please, Xander? I need you."

His eyes narrowed with concentration as he moved his thumb up to brush the tight nub of her clitoris as he slipped his finger inside her a short ways. Willow cried out and arched upward again, this time drawing him deeper inside her.

Her muscles clutched at him, tightening almost painfully around his finger as he coaxed her back down to the bed with his other hand, gently stroking her skin. "Relax, Wills. It's going to be much better if you can relax."

"Feels so…" She shook, her body's responses overwhelming her as he began moving his finger slowly, rubbing the sensitive walls of her channel as his thumb played havoc with the bundle of nerve endings beneath it.

Xander leaned down until his warm breath caressed her ear. "Feels so…what?" He whispered.

Warmth bathed his finger as Willow came silently, her whole body tightening. He kissed her cheek and forehead, her closed eyes and open lips, his finger still moving inside her. She panted softly, punctuating her harsh breathing with quiet moans as he slid another finger inside, stretching her as best he could.

Willow reached up and wrapped her hand around Xander's neck, bringing him down for a deep kiss. She sucked his tongue into her mouth as his fingers worked magic on her, bringing her to another orgasm that left her breathless.

Xander pulled away from her kiss and eased her away from his body. She let out a soft cry of protest, her hands reaching out for him. Keeping out of her reach, Xander moved between her legs, kneeling there. Willow gazed at him through hazy eyes, her whole body burning for his touch. "Please, Xander?"

He took a deep breath, practically falling backwards before using his hand to guide his aching cock to her wet opening. Easing it slowly inside her, he kept a soft, rolling rhythm, allowing her to get used to the size of him as he stretched her.

Willow shivered, his name falling off of her lips repeatedly as he filled her with his hard flesh. Placing her feet flat on the bed, she angled her hips differently, allowing him to slide in more easily. He pressed forward, stopping only when he felt resistance. "Wills…"

His hand guided her back down to the bed, lying there flat beneath him as he lay still. "I want this, Xander."

"I know, I…"

She shook her head and wrapped her legs around his waist, thrusting her body up toward him, breaking the barrier easily. Xander groaned her name and braced his arms, meeting her thrusts with his own as she set a brisk pace. Her body was like fire beneath him and he couldn't help but realize how easily and how well they fit together.

Willow had read books about making love, knowing that the first time was never what you expected it to be. But this first time was with Xander, the man who knew her better than anyone else. The man who knew what she liked and what she didn't. And while they'd never stepped into a sexual arena before, she knew, without a doubt that he would please her.

"I can read your mind," Xander whispered. "It's like I can see your soul, Willow. And I look there and I see me."

She tightened her grip around his waist and entangled her fingers in the soft hair of his chest. "Did you doubt it?" She asked panting, her body gasping for breath as she felt herself drawing closer.

Xander's body was throbbing and pulsing as he buried himself inside her, needing her warmth and love wrapped around him. "Yeah, I guess I did. I do."

"Don't." She touched his lips and stilled them, keeping him from saying anything else. "Never doubt that I love you, Xander."

He nodded, thrusting harder, willing himself not to cry as he realized he was making love to his best friend, the person he loved more than anyone or anything.

Realizing that she would never be his.

Crying out, Xander lost control, filling her with his orgasm as the muscles of her passage clenched around him, bathing him yet again in her warm climax.

They lay there, exhausted, tangled in Willow's sheets, their breath coming in great, heaving gasps of air as their joined bodies cooled rapidly in the slight breeze.

"Buffy?"

I started, my eyes snapping open as I jerked away from the window that looked out over the library. Taking a deep breath of my own, I turned to look at Giles' concerned face. He was staring past me at Xander and Willow, both sitting as they had been, staring at each other, their foreheads pressed together.

"What are they doing?"

"I don't…" I struggled to calm down, feeling like some sort of voyeur or peeping tom. I wondered what Xander and Willow must think of me, knowing that I was there in a sense, watching them. "I'll go see, maybe they're just talking, discussing their friendship."

"They haven't moved for ten minutes."

I looked at my watch, realizing that it hadn't been that long since this had all started. It felt like hours had passed and I was exhausted. "I'll double check that everything is okay."

I walked out of the office, my face as red as Willow's hair. "You guys okay?"

Xander nodded, not looking away from Willow. "No."

Her lower lip was trembling and I wanted to move over and hug her, but I couldn't find the strength. "No. But…but Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

Willow stood and gathered her things, carefully not looking at Xander. "Thank you for that."

We watched her leave hurriedly and I sat next to Xander. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that…" I almost laughed at his incredulous look. "I mean, and not have it turn out the way you wanted it to."

He nodded and managed the weakest smiles I've ever seen Xander fake. "That's okay, Buffy. It turns out that way every morning. Why should it be any different just because I'm awake?"

He got up and left too and I'd never felt so sad in my entire life. They were both hurting, both wanting the same thing and now, because of this stupid power, they both knew that they could have what they wanted, if they really wanted it. If they were willing to work or forget everything that had happened.

But I knew neither of them ever would.

I turned around and walked back into Giles' office. He and Wesley stopped talking as I walked in and simply stared at me. I looked Giles in the eye and couldn't help the single tear that fell from my eye. "Do we have any more demon hearts left?"

"I think we might have a bit. Why?"

I don't know if he knew in that moment. Maybe he saw the same things I did and, having given up any semblance of life to come here and teach me, maybe he knew a little bit more of why it hurt so bad. "I don't think the power is completely gone. Sometimes…sometimes I can hear things…and I don't want to do that any more."

He nodded and moved to gather a few things. Wesley sat quietly on the couch not saying a word. I sat next to him, waiting for Giles to fix me a little snack. Neither of us spoke.

Getting used to the silence.