All of this is my fault. Even though Pacey kissed me and started it, this is all my fault. When I was telling him – practically begging him not to tell Dawson, I could see it in his eyes. He knew.

You see, I haven’t had much in my life and I was so afraid that trying this new thing with Pacey would cost me everything else. And it will. It does. But I feel something for him. I have all these feelings for him and for Dawson and I don’t know how to reconcile any of them. I don’t know how to choose or what’s right.

I’m so afraid that what Dawson said is true or that it’s what I want. What if Pacey is all about sex? I mean, I have feelings for him and it’s obvious…heartbreakingly obvious that he has feelings for me. But I like kissing him. Kissing him is so powerful and amazing. It’s something that’s been missing in my life for so long now. I mean, not just the kissing, but the emotion. The overwhelming swell of emotion that just sweeps me away when I’m near him now.

You see, now that I’ve kissed him, I don’t know how to stop. It’s killing me to stop. It kills me to see him.

Jen told me that Pacey’s heart was easily broken, since it already was when I got there. I can only imagine what it looks like now.

The walk home from the docks is the longest one I’ve ever taken. All I can see in my mind is how much I’ve hurt the two men I love. I can hear Dawson lashing out at me like a wounded animal; I can hear the quiet resignation in Pacey’s voice.

He knew.

He knew the minute I followed Dawson into the house that everything was over, everything had changed. There was no more Pacey and Joey, maybe there had never been. Maybe it was all ephemeral and a dream. A dream with the most horrendous consequences imaginable.

The worst part of it is that I don’t know what to do. I mean, before anything else in my life, these two men had been my best friends. We were the three musketeers and nothing could separate us. And now I’m the thing that is separating us. I’m the thing that’s come between them.

It’s all my fault.

It’s my fault that nothing is ever going to be the same again. I should have resisted. I should have walked away. I shouldn’t have listened to my heart.

Pacey’s in my heart. I told Dawson that I needed him and I do. I don’t know what it is or why. I don’t know if I love him. I don’t know anything anymore.

Anything except the fact that I hurt more than I’ve ever hurt before. Anything except the fact that I’ve hurt the people who mean the most to me. Anything except the fact that I’ll never be able to go back.

And nothing will ever be the same again.

Doug was right.

That’s what I kept thinking the entire time. I kept thinking it as I stared at her as she told me what Dawson means to her. What he is to her. He’s her life. He’s the one who had been there for her no matter what.

Which loosely translates into “I love him, Pacey.”

I didn’t mean to say anything when he confronted us. I didn’t want to. I wanted to just pretend it never happened and walk away with my pride and my heart still somewhat intact. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let it go. I hoped…I honestly hoped that it would work out, that everyone was wrong about me and her. That she would choose me.

Even though I knew it wouldn’t happen. So I blurted it out and made a bad situation worse. I put Joey in the position of having to choose.

And when it came down to it? When Dawson walked away?

She chose him.

She’s always going to choose him.

I didn’t need her to come down to the docks to tell me that. I didn’t need to see her once more to know that she was leaving me. It doesn’t matter that I love her. It doesn’t matter that I would…I have given up everything for her.

Dawson was right. Andie was right. I was stupid. I was wrong. I lost my best friend. I lost the girl.

Doug was right.

And I’m alone.

. Joey asked me what I wanted her to say, what I wanted her to do.

I wanted to tell her to forget about Pacey, to come back to me. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t ask that of her. Not because I’m noble or anything along those lines, but because asking her to say it isn’t the same as it being true…or even her believing it.

I keep wondering where they are right now, while I’m sitting here in my bedroom all alone. I wonder if they’re together. If, despite wanting to explain and make things right with me, Joey is with Pacey right now. I wonder if he’s holding her, if he’s kissing her.

Or maybe they’re talking about me.

How self-absorbed, right? But it’s like a living thing inside of me. It’s like this creature living in my gut, thriving on all the fear and doubt and hurt and betrayal.

Although, every once in a while, I can quiet it. I think about how, after all was said and done outside, she came after me.

Pacey may have fallen in love with Joey – which I’d rather not think about right now, but the truth of the matter is, Joey came after me. She left him to come after me.

I’d gloat, but it hurts too much. Everything else hurts too much. The fact that my best friend, the person who is supposed to know how much Joey means to me, betrayed me by falling in love with her. My friendship meant so little to him…

I can’t help thinking about that time a few years ago…it seems like forever ago now, when Pacey asked me for permission to kiss Joey. I gave it to him then, not aware of my own feelings for her yet. I told him that he could kiss her, that I was fine with it. But then he used that moment to show me what I had refused to see for so long.

He made me see her.

He started this. He helped to open my eyes to the woman who loved me.

The woman he now loves.

I want to hate them both. I want to hate her for letting him feel this way. I want to hate her for not needing me anymore. I want to hate her for not…for not loving me enough. And I want to hate him. I want to hate him for loving her, even though I know how easy she is to love. I want to hate him for having the one thing in this world that I want. I want to hate him for being the man she wants.

I do hate them. I hate her, I hate him. But I love her. And he’s…he’s been my best friend as long as I can remember.

I haven’t cried yet tonight, but lying here staring up at my ceiling again, I can feel the tears. No one wins. Even if Joey and Pacey end things tonight, nothing will ever be the same.

As I left Dawson’s tonight, I was tempted to try and find Pacey. I wanted to apologize. I wonder if it’s possible to apologize. I wonder if it’s possible to make amends for what I did, what I said. I inadvertently betrayed my friends; I destroyed whatever chance they might have had at happiness.

I stood on my porch, watching it all play out. I didn’t hear everything, but I heard enough. I know how it’s all going to end.

Dawson is hurt and acting like a wounded animal, lashing out, determined to fight to the death to protect what he thinks is his.

Pacey’s feelings for Joey may not have been unrequited, but from now on they will be. She ran after Dawson.

I think I heard Pacey’s heart breaking all the way over here.

And Joey…well, I don’t know what Joey is feeling right now. She loves them both. What she needs to decide is which one of them she’s in love with. She’s loved them both all her life, in different ways and for different reasons. Only now all those ways and reasons are coming together and she’s going to have to sift through the mangled emotions until she realizes how she feels.

Two years ago, Dawson had to choose between the blonde and the brunette. This year, it’s Joey’s choice. One I don’t envy her. And one I feel so guilty that she has to make. Because it all could have gone down like Pacey said – like Pacey hoped.

Until I said something.

And made this all my fault.

05/04/00