I mean, no matter what I was feeling at the time, I should have known enough to keep my wayward lips to myself. I mean, what was I thinking? She's very obviously head over heels in love with Dawson.

I shouldn't have kissed her.

I mean, permission or no, I know how Dawson feels about her, even if he's too stupid to realize it. And I know how she feels about him. But I thought for a second…after being together all day and all night, I just thought maybe she was feeling what I was feeling.

Maybe she wanted to kiss me back.

Her lips were so sweet for that brief second I had them. Parted slightly in surprise and so soft. They tasted like cotton candy, slightly grainy from the sugar and her breath was warm and inviting.

Until she pushed me away.

Her eyes were full of something confusing and I wanted to step back in, thinking she was protesting out of habit, not really meaning it. Her hazel eyes had invitation in them. Curiosity. And I wanted to get closer to her, tease my tongue over her lips until they parted on their own, until her tongue touched mine. I wanted to feel her hair fall like silk over my fingers. I wanted to touch her skin and see if it felt as soft as it looks all the time.

I shouldn't have kissed her.

I blame it on the carnival. After we finished talking to Dawson, I didn't give him another thought all night. I just enjoyed being with her. Teasing her about being afraid or about being sick until she got mad enough to go on all the rides with me. And having her body pressed against mine every time we whirled around another corner had nothing to do with it.

Well, almost nothing.

I was showing off on the carousel. Maybe flirting with that kid's mom just a little to see if she'd be jealous or make some catty remark about me and older women. Instead she just smiled at me, indulgently, laughing when the kid got so excited. And then, when I slid behind her onto her horse, even though they'd told us to stay in our seats, I thought I felt her tremble.

"You're too close."

"What's the matter, Potter? You're not gettin' all hot and bothered, are ya?" I moved back a little though and she shivered, releasing the pole that she held on to and rubbing her arms. "Cold?"

I could taste her shampoo in the air as I whispered in her ear. I didn't mean to whisper, it just came out that way. She shook her head, leaning back toward me. "Not so much, no."

I just nodded and couldn't seem to think of anything after that, except being alone with her. We hurried off because the carny was headed our direction and slipped out the back gate, headed for the tents that formed the carnival's perimeter. I took her hand in mine and headed for the fortune-teller, then changed my mind. Afraid of the future?

Afraid I'd find out I shouldn't kiss her?

We saw Lindley and Cliff and headed the opposite direction, not wanting to spoil the night. Then I bought her cotton candy. Her eyes lit up like a little kid's and she pulled this huge hunk off the top and stuffed it in her mouth, licking the leftovers off her fingers. I ordered a Coke, wanting something cold to keep between my legs.

After that we headed for the beach and sat there, sharing my drink and her cotton candy. I wound it around my fingers, watching her watch me do it. I wish I could have read her thoughts. Read her eyes.

"It's cold."

"Getting there." She reached over and grabbed the soda and took a sip as I finished the sticky mess on my fingers.

"Been a long day."

She nodded and leaned back on the sand, reaching out to take my hand again. "It's been a good day."

We drove back home in silence and I couldn't help wondering what I was supposed to do. What I wanted? What did she want? Was it wrong? Or right? Would she push me away? Or kiss me back? I should have known the answer.

And I shouldn't have kissed her.

8/22/02