Joey sat on the windowsill, staring into Dawson’s empty room. She didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to revisit the scene of the crime.
“I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Isn’t this where I always run to? Isn’t this my solace?” She raised her eyes to his. “I’m surprised you haven’t kicked me out yet.”
“I don’t know that I have the energy.” Dawson sank onto the edge of his bed. “Jen…Jen tells me that you broke things off with Pacey.”
“I poured water on the embers, if that’s what you mean.” There was a soft regret in her tone. “By the time I got there, I think everyone knew it was over.”
“Is it?”
She lowered her eyes to her hands and stared at her entwined fingers. Finally, she met his gaze again. “Yes.”
“So what does that mean exactly?”
Joey flinched at the phrase, remembering the last time she’d heard it. “I don’t know. I never thought I had all the answers before, and I know I don’t have them now.”
“You’re going to have to provide some eventually.”
“The only thing I know for sure Dawson is the fact that I hate the awkwardness. I hate that I don’t have my best friend…friends to turn to.”
Dawson bit the inside of his lip to keep from speaking. Silence filled the room and Joey shifted uncomfortably. “Is…Are…” Dawson grinned self-consciously. “Are you still friends?”
Unwanted tears stung her eyes. “I don’t know. I know you better than anyone Dawson, and I don’t know what we are right now. How could I possibly even begin to fathom what Pacey and I are?”
Dawson nodded, his eyes never reaching hers. “But you’re not…”
“No. We’re not.” She shook her head. Getting off the windowsill, she slowly paced the room. “Do you know if…what you and he are?”
“No. Well, nothing past intensely uncomfortable with each other.”
Joey slowed her movement and stopped beside him. She sank down onto the bed and joined him in staring at the floor. “What you said that night, Dawson? That hurt me. We’ve all been friends for so long and the thought of having to choose between you…”
“You don’t have to choose between us, Joey.”
“That’s not exactly what it sounded like.” She laughed sadly. “I’m pretty sure that ‘you can’t have him as your boyfriend and me as your consolation prize’ is bordering on the verge of ultimatum.”
“It was.” He nodded, sighing. “Joey, I don’t know that I can reconcile the reality of us with the reality of you and Pacey. Pacey is a lot of things that I’m not. And I guess I’m a little scared that those things might just end up being the things that make you happy.”
“Which means I wouldn’t want or need you anymore?”
“It’s a possibility.”
She shook her head. “I could never stop loving you.” The words were softly whispered, barely discernable even in the quiet of the room. “You’re so much a part of me, Dawson.”
He looked at her, his eyes serious. “I love you, Jo.”
“I love you too, Dawson.”
Pacey stared off into the water, his mind further gone than his gaze. His hands gripped the rope he was holding tightly. The wood behind him creaked and he barely held in his shudder. “Go away.”
“Permission to come aboard?”
“Denied.” He dropped the rope. “I’m afraid True Love is closed to visitors. You can’t have visitors on something that doesn’t exist.”
“It exists, Pacey.”
He turned around and Jen pressed her lips together tightly to keep any sound from escaping. Pacey’s eyes were like open wounds. “Yeah.” He managed one of his trademark smirks. “It does. Between Dawson and Joey.”
“Pacey, I…”
“Don’t.” He held up a hand to stop her and this time Jen couldn’t withhold her gasp. Dark red rope burns stood out on the soft skin of his palms. He followed her gaze and immediately clenched his fist. “Don’t say anything. Don’t…”
“I’m sorry.”
“…Apologize.” He closed his eyes for a brief second, shaking his head. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, Jen. Every single disaster was of my own making.”
“But I told him.”
“Please Jen. I have enough guilt without feeling guilty about your guilt. I put you in an untenable position and I paid the price. None of this is your fault.”
She climbed onto the boat and walked over to him. Taking his fist in her hands, she pried open his fingers. “Let me take care of that.”
“No.” He pulled his hand from hers. “Trust me. I’d much prefer the more manageable and tangible pain of this then the very…very…devastating pain that I’m sort of…refusing to acknowledge.”
“Does that work at all?”
“Every second, I think about the fact that in the middle of feeling something for me, she went to h…him.” He clenched his teeth and inhaled deeply. “And then I kick myself for ever even hoping that I could possibly mean anything to her.”
“You do mean something.”
“I did.” Pacey nodded, sniffing back the tears that threatened. “I meant a heated grope or two. Something semi-sexual in her platonic life. Isn’t that my job in this town? Provide much needed sexual relief to the lovely young ladies? Not that it was even really about sex. We weren’t arguing. Had to channel that aggression…”
“Passion.”
“I liked you better when you felt guilty.”
Jen leaned against the side of the boat. “Pacey, I know that you have feelings for her.”
“Feelings?” He spit the word out and swallowed hard. “I…I lo…love her.” He lost control and let out a wrenching sob. “And it doesn’t make one fucking bit of difference.” Picking up a loose piece of wood, he slammed it against the side of the boat, splintering it into pieces near her. “And it never will.”
Jen watched as he disappeared down below, taking a deep breath before she walked away.
Pacey slumped down at the empty table and closed his eyes. He’d managed to avoid everyone all day so far and he’d only had to skip two classes to do it.
If he could get through lunch, he was home free. No Dawson, no Joey. No anyone.
Which was about the direction his life was heading. No anyone.
He straightened and grabbed his books before standing and starting out of the cafeteria. He was asking for trouble just by being there.
“Pacey.”
He stopped dead, his heart slamming against this ribcage. Don’t turn around, he warned himself. He turned slowly, unable to stop himself. “Hey.” He couldn’t be sure she heard him, the sound was so soft.
“Hey.” The corner of Joey’s mouth twitched with the vaguest hint of a smile, until she met his eyes. She took an involuntary step toward him, stopping as Pacey quickly stepped back, putting the distance between them once again.
“I…I was just leaving.” He turned quickly and ran directly into Dawson. “Oh…oh God.” Pacey’s laugh bordered on hysterical. “I really, really have to go.” He brushed past Dawson and headed out of the cafeteria. Dumping his books in his locker, he made his way out to his car.
He stopped once again at the sight of her, sitting calmly on his front bumper. He dug his keys out of his pocket and ignored her, heading for the driver’s door.
“Pacey.”
He lay his forehead on the glass. "I don’t have the strength for this, Joey. I don’t have the strength or the emotional distance that you seem to have in this situation.”
“You think I’m detached from this?”
“From me.” He sighed. “I think you’re detached from me, Joey. And I think the sooner we all just act like this never happened, like I was never deluded enough to think I stood a chance of being the one you’d choose, the better off we’ll all be.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Could everyone just quit apologizing?” He jammed the key in the lock. “There’s only one person here who should be apologizing. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I kissed you. I’m sorry I ruined things between you and Dawson. And I’m sorry I feel this way.”
He opened the door and climbed inside the car. Joey reached out and grabbed the door, refusing to let him shut it, to shut her out. “So you regret it?”
“I regret the outcome, not the action.” He stared straight ahead, not wanting to look at her, not strong enough to meet her eyes. “I regret that I spent months falling hard, that I got a week of sort-of having you, and now I have to go back to pretending. I regret that, despite all your grandiose declarations of not being able to get me out of your head, I appear to have been a very sexually charged passing fancy. I regret that the only purpose my overworked and overwrought emotions will serve is to jump start the dormant love and sex lives of Dawson Leery and Joey Potter.”
“You really think that’s all you mean to me, Pacey?” Her voice was small and hurt.
“How should I know, Joey? The only thing I know about how you feel is that you like kissing me. But you don’t like it well enough to…forget it.”
“No. To what?”
“It doesn’t matter, Joey. None of it matters. You and Dawson go back to your dance. You don’t have to worry about me cutting in again.” He tugged on the door, forcing her to release it. She did and he slammed it shut.
The car roared to life, and he peeled out of the parking lot. Joey watched him go, her breath caught in her chest.
Jen sat next to Dawson, watching him as he stared out the window at the parking lot. “So, where does everyone go from here?”
He turned at her quiet question. “Honestly? I have no idea.”
“It’s over between them?”
Dawson shrugged. “He’s stopped actively sniffing around her.”
“Okay Dawson,” Jen let out an exasperated sigh. “I realize you’re upset and angry, but this isn’t about you. Pacey didn’t do this to hurt you. Besides, don’t you think it’s possible that this is a mutual thing?”
“Joey doesn’t see Pacey that way. Besides, who has the history of sexual experience on his side?”
“Right.” Irritation joined exasperation. “And Joey’s not ever fickle or needy in her affections.”
“I’m not judging you, Jen.” Dawson reassured her. “Whatever you and Pacey had was…”
“Was what?” Danger replaced every other emotion in her voice. “Was what? Was okay since we’ve both been around the block? Was okay because I’m not your self-proclaimed soul mate? Was what, Dawson?”
“Jen, I…” He stood as she did, reaching out to placate her. She shook his hand off her arm.
“Well, allow me to tell you something you may not want to hear, Dawson. Pacey doesn’t just want Joey. He loves her. And your sweet, innocent Joey? She may just love him back.”
Dawson laughed once, the cold sound loud in the now-silent lunchroom. “If she loves him, why is she still with me?” Before Jen could say anything, he went on. “The only emotion Joey feels for Pacey is pity. Which is a hell of a lot more than he deserves.”
Jen watched as Dawson walked out, sadness seeping through her. Maybe Pacey had been right back on the docks when he’d first admitted his feelings for Joey. Maybe he should have stayed quiet.
Maybe then only a few of them would be hurting.
Or maybe this would have happened anyway.
“Mr. Witter, how nice that you’ve decided to grace me with your presence.” The guidance counselor smirked in his direction as Pacey shut the office door. “I was afraid I was going to have to make another appointment with your social secretary.”
Ignoring the jibe, Pacey set a thick manila envelope on the desk before settling silently in a chair.
“What’s this? And where’s that sharp tongue?”
“Yesterday, I convinced all of my teachers to give me the next two weeks worth of assignments. I stayed up all night. That’s them. They’re done. Well, there’s still a paper on Alexander Pope I have to finish, but it’ll be done by tomorrow.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“If they’re done right, I pull at least a C in every class.”
“Which is acceptable,” the counselor agreed. “And more than most of them probably expected from you.”
“Convince them to let me take the finals early. My mom’s going to Vermont to visit relatives at the end of the week. She wants me to go. I…I need to go.”
The counselor opened the folder and thumbed through the pages. “They won’t agree.”
“Three weeks of not having to put up with me in class?” Pacey grinned although the humor never reached his eyes. “I’d think they’d jump at the chance.”
“Is everything okay at home, Pacey?”
“What? Yeah. Home’s great. It’s just, my grandmother in Vermont. She’s sick. My mom can’t handle it on her own, so I want to go. Dad and Doug can’t just leave town, so it’s kind of up to me, you know?”
“But everything else is okay?”
“Yeah.” He forced a casual laugh. “I mean, I’m even focusing on school. How boring does the rest of my life have to be for that, I ask you?”
The counselor nodded. “I’ll talk to your teachers. Now,” he wrote out a pass and handed it to Pacey. “Go to class. You can’t afford any more unexplained absences.”
“I always explain ‘em.” Pacey smiled. “They just don’t always believe me.” He slipped out of the office and stood in the hallway, his smile disappearing.
Looking down at the note in his hand, he sighed. Trig.
That meant Joey.
Crumpling the pass, Pacey slung the backpack over one shoulder and started for the library.
Joey stared at the empty seat across from her, not listening to the trigonometry lecture. The triangle she was currently in was more than enough to hold her attention.
She’d never hurt anyone before, other than Dawson. Had never thought herself capable of that much emotion for anyone other than him.
But the depth of hurt in Pacey’s eyes was a testimony to the contrary. He usually hid it all so well, but the contempt and self-loathing in his eyes was laid bare in his pain.
She’d gone by the docks after Dawson had walked her home, wanting to see him. She wanted things to be right between them all again, yet at the same time, she wanted to give in to her feelings for him.
But she couldn’t. She had to put friendship above all else. She couldn’t live without Dawson’s friendship. She defined herself through Dawson’s eyes.
Pacey made her choose her own definition.
A fresh onslaught of tears assaulted her, and she closed her eyes to hold them back.
She chose.
She chose right.
The bell rang and she stood up, her eyes locked sadly on his empty chair.
“I’m sorry. I’m an ass.” He tried to catch Jen’s eye as she looked over the seating grid. “I’m sorry.”
“Go away. I already have a boyfriend who specializes in the childish…”
“I prefer naïve.”
“I don’t need you doing it too.”
“I am sorry.”
“You said that to Pacey yet?”
Dawson’s face froze, a frown creasing his forehead. “I don’t owe him an apology. He, in case it’s slipped your mind, was the one sneaking around with Joey behind my back.”
“I know.”
“And the very act of sneaking proves that he…”
“They.”
“Knew it was wrong. He knew what kissing her would cause. He knew that and he still did it. He still went after her like a dog in heat.”
Jen threw up her hands and walked away from Dawson. He followed her, waiting until they were off the floor to stop her.
“What?”
“First off, Pacey agonized over this. He hated his feelings for her. Hated that he was falling for Joey.”
“Yeah. Looked like he was hating every second.”
“Right Dawson.” Jen’s voice was thick with sarcasm. “I’m sure Pacey woke up one day and said to himself, ‘I don’t have enough shit in my life. I think I’ll fall for the girl my best friend is still so hung up on he can’t see straight.’ You don’t choose who you love, Dawson.”
“No,” he agreed. “But you choose how you act on it.”
“Forget it, Dawson. Just…look, you and Joey are still friends, still soul mates, whatever. Let’s just leave Pacey out of the equation.”
The bell on the door of the restaurant jangled and Jen brushed past Dawson to make her way to the front. She could feel Dawson behind her, barely catching himself as she stopped abruptly. “Hi Doug. Hey…Pacey.”
“It’ll be fun.”
“It’ll be a disaster.”
“Alex wants to see where his daddy works. We have no guests tonight, and I don’t feel like cooking.”
“So why do I have to go?”
“Because you’re depressed. So I’m cheering you up. C’mon Jo. I’m buying.”
“Our food is free.”
“So? That just means you can have dessert. Come on. Get your mind off your troubles.” Bessie held out the keys to Joey. “Please?”
“Fine.” She snatched the keys from her sister’s hand and stormed out to the truck.
Bessie picked up Alexander, locked the door and followed Joey at a much more sedate pace. “Isn’t your Aunt Joey just like sunshine?” Bessie asked as she settled her son in the truck. “Just a ray of pure happiness.”
Joey gave her a look and started the truck. They drove in silence broken only by Alexander’s stream of gibberish. Parking the car outside the restaurant, Joey waited as Bessie unhooked Alexander. They fell in step as they walked toward Leery’s Fresh Fish. “Did you at least call and make a reservation? They look busy.”
“Yes, Josephine.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Why are you so squeamish about this, Joey? It’s the Leery’s restaurant. They’re our friends. Maybe you remember Dawson? Your best friend?”
“I know, I know. I just have a bad feeling.”
Bessie shook her head. “I’ll keep that in mind, Madame Zorka.”
They walked into the restaurant and Joey smiled at Jen. “Hey.”
“Oh. Hi. Joey.” Jen looked nervously over her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“See?” Bessie gave Joey a smug grin.
“Pacey and Doug are here. And well, Dawson isn’t exactly…”
“Dawson’s here?”
“Yeah.” Jen sighed. “I shoved him into the kitchen, but he’s back there ranting.”
Joey sighed. “Did they say anything to each other?”
“No. Not yet.” Jen looped her arm though Joey’s and pulled her to the side. “Can you get Dawson out of here?”
“Jen, I’ve…”
“If you or Pacey so much as look at each other, Dawson’s going to think the worst.”
“I can’t help what Dawson thinks.”
“You can,” Jen stated. “Whether you want to believe it or not.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Joey said flatly. “Pacey and I are through.”
“You and Pacey never got started,” Pacey said softly, his breath dancing along the sensitive skin of her neck. “But you certainly are finished.”
Jen watched Joey intently as her hands clenched and her eyes closed, the feel of him too much for her already frazzled nerves and emotions.
“Pacey…”
“Dougie’s already picked up the check, Jen, but give our compliments to the chef, okay?” He stepped away from Joey, ignoring her as best he could. “And tell Mrs. Leery that the place looks very nice.”
“Sure, Pace.”
He reached out impulsively and tugged at one of her curls. “See ya around, Lindley.”
“Night Pacey.”
His cool blue eyes seemed to avoid Joey completely, passing over her as if she weren’t there, but the pain of being near her seemed etched in him. “And tell Dawson he’s free to come out now. Hell, tell Dawson he can do and say whatever he likes to me. Isn't that one of the spoils of winning?”
Jen turned to Joey as Pacey walked out of the restaurant. “This isn’t going to go away, Joey. They’re best friends and, whether they admit it or not, they need each other.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Joey shrugged. “I know in intricate and historical detail exactly what they’re throwing away here. But I don’t know how to stop it. Dawson looks at Pacey and all he sees right now is me and Pacey. And given Pacey’s track record with women, I can only imagine what he might be envisioning.”
Jen raised an eyebrow and Joey immediately shook her head. “Nothing like that. Kissing, groping…all those thing I used to cringe about when Pacey when we were filming ‘Sea Creature from the Deep’.”
“Not so cringe-worthy now?”
“No.” Taking a deep breath, Joey smiled weakly at Jen. “But what we did doesn’t stop Dawson from thinking about what we could have done.”
“What you wanted to do?”
Joey looked over Jen’s shoulder and smiled as Dawson walked out of the kitchen. “Hey Dawson. You want to have dinner with me, Bessie and Alexander?”
“He’s gone, so your appetite should return,” Jen informed him.
Dawson ignored her and smiled at Joey. “Sure.” He stopped at Pacey jogged back into the restaurant.
Taking a jacket from the coat rack, Pacey managed a grin. “Doug forgot his jacket.”
Dawson ignored him and smiled warmly at Joey. “It can be our first date.”
Pacey threw the jacket at Doug, who caught it just before it hit him in the face. “Problems, little brother?”
“Noo,” Pacey drawled the word, feigning nonchalance. “Not at all. I mean, why would it be a problem for me to walk in on my ex-best friend asking out my ex-…”
“Ex-what, Pacey?” Doug asked quietly.
“Why can’t you be on my side? Is that too much to ask?”
Doug shook his head, hating the pain in his brother’s voice. “I am on your side, Pacey. Maybe I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, but I told you what was best for you, what was right.”
“I didn’t want you to be right!”
“Well, I didn’t want to be right either,” Doug snapped. “I wanted to be wrong, Pacey. I wanted Joey to be so in love with you that she’d stay with you. I wanted it to work out. But I knew it wouldn’t, because friendships don’t survive this kind of stuff, Pacey.”
“Joey and Dawson’s friendship seems to be just fine.”
“Joey and Dawson’s friendship right now is based solely on Joey not being with you.” Doug started walking, not knowing if Pacey would fall in step beside him. His brother looked poised on the edge of running, and he didn’t want to see that happen, to see the fallout that resulted. “I don’t know what Joey’s feelings are, Pace.”
“That makes two of us.”
“But she’s always had this thing with Dawson. They’re each other’s safety nets. And Joey’s’ had enough trauma in her life that she’s not going to climb out on that tightrope with you if she knows there’s nothing underneath to catch her fall.”
“So, not only does she have no faith in my feelings, she had no faith in Dawson’s friendship either?”
“Joey doesn’t have faith in herself, Pacey. And with her mother dying and her father going to jail twice, I can’t see her as long on trust.”
“We’ve both been there her whole life.”
“But now you’re changing the rules,” Doug shrugged again as they reached his apartment. “I’m sorry if what I said that day hurt you or made a bad situation worse. I’m sorry I wasn’t wrong.”
“That makes two of us.”
“But you need to move on, Pacey. Stay away from things for a while. School’s almost over.”
“I still work with Dawson. Not to mention live in a town where small is a generous description.”
“Quit Screen Play. The department is looking for interns for the summer.”
Pacey shrugged, not meeting his brother’s eyes. “I’ll give it some thought.”
“Good.” Doug headed for the stereo, ignoring Pacey’s eye rolling. “Did you plan on using the computer again tonight?”
“Missing those pretty boys in uniform chat rooms, Dougie?”
“I can live without outside contact if it leads to you actually passing a grade.”
“I have a paper to finish.” Pacey sat in front of the computer, wincing as the CD kicked in and sound the equivalent of tortured cats filled the room. “Don’t worry though. I’ll hurry.”
Dawson walked Joey out to the truck while Bessie and Alexander said goodbye to Bodie. “Why don’t you let me walk you home?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“No pressure, Joey. This is all just about getting our friendship back on track.”
“Then why the date comment?” She leaned against the side of the truck, crossing her arms over her chest.
“So I’m not completely rational around Pacey yet. He was my best friend Joey, and he went after the person who means the most to me.”
“He didn’t go after me, Dawson. It just…happened. I mean, it’s not like he was doggedly pursuing me against my will.”
“No. He was just playing on your confused emotions, preying on you when you were vulnerable. He’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, Jo. Lecherous ambitions dressed up as noble intentions.”
Joey looked down at the ground, unwilling to answer him. If she agreed with him, she’d be lying to him. She knew that wasn’t how things had happened between her and Pacey. It had been a gradual awakening of emotions. Emotions neither of them had been all too thrilled to admit to.
But if she didn’t agree, she’d be choosing Pacey’s side, which to Dawson’s mind would be telling him that she didn’t want his friendship, didn’t want him in her life.
Bessie and Alexander saved her from answering, exiting the restaurant and heading toward them. Dawson moved to lean on the car next to Joey, smiling as Alexander rushed over to him. The little boy held open his arms and Dawson casually picked him up, giving Joey a smile as he did so. “My mom’s not working Bodie too hard, is she Bessie?”
“No. He loves it. Cooking in the morning for guests, cooking at night for even more paying customers…Bodie’s in heaven.”
“Good. I know Mom views him as her saving grace.” Dawson handed Alexander back to her. “I was trying to convince Joey to let me walk her home. I don’t suppose you could throw in a vote in my favor?”
“I was thinking it would be best for me to stay out of this particular grudge match, especially since your opponent isn’t even on the playing field.”
“So long as Joey can think about him, he’s around,” Dawson informed her. “I’m trying to make sure I’m the only thing she’s thinking about.”
Bessie laughed, “Give the guy a break, Jo. Let him walk you home.”
She gave Bessie a glare and sighed, pushing off the truck. “Okay. We’ll see you at home.” She started walking beside Dawson, closing her eyes as he reached out for her hand. “Just friends, Dawson?”
“Just friends, Jo. We held hands when we were friends.”
“We also slept in the same bed when we were friends. But that’s not going to happen again.” Joey gave him a thin smile.
“Not if we’re just friends,” he agreed. “We’d have to graduate to something more than that. Move up to something that involved kissing. And touching.” Dawson guided her to the railing along the edge of the dock. His hand slipped from hers and he ran both of his hands along her arms. Joey shivered from the combination of sensation and the chilly night air.
Dawson moved in, brushing his lips lightly over Joey’s. She stood there, her eyes closed, her body stiff. She whispered his name against his lips, begging him to stop.
“We’d have to do those kinds of things long before I’d take you to bed, Joey.” She felt the words as well as heard them, her chest constricting with love and guilt, regret and desire.
“Dawson?” she asked softly, fitting her mouth to his. He slid his arms around her and pulled her closer, letting their bodies meet and mesh together. Joey’s hands rested against his chest, feeling the hard pounding of his heart as he slipped his tongue inside her mouth, tasting her.
It was a timeless time later when she pulled away, afraid of the intensity in his kiss, afraid of what kissing him meant. Her hand raised to her lips as she looked at him, feeling the swollen flesh with cool fingers. Dawson smiled, the edge of his mouth rising as he leaned in to kiss her fingertips. “I do love you, Joey.”
She started to reply when a sudden movement in the darkness caught her eye. Pain lanced through her as Pacey detached himself from the shadows and walked away slowly, headed for his boat. Dawson turned his head to follow her gaze, his smile widening.
“Did you want to go after him?” He managed to keep the smile out of his voice, knowing that Joey would hate him if she knew he was taking any pleasure from Pacey’s pain.
Joey’s mouth worked, although no sound came out. Finally, she managed to sigh. “No. I think I’m the last person Pacey needs right now.”
“But the person that he wants.”
She turned to him, her brow furrowed. “Can’t it all just go back like it was, Dawson? Can’t we pretend it never happened? The three of us friends again?”
“You were the one that told me things change, Joey. You told me that right before high school. You’ve told me that several times since. You make choices and you live with them.” He held out his hand, hoping that she would take it. “Time to choose, Joey.”
She stared out toward Pacey’s boat, barely visible from where they were standing. Turning away from the sight, she caught Dawson’s gaze and smiled somewhat sadly, “Walk me home, Dawson?”
This time he did let her see his smile as he slipped his hand into hers. “I’d love to.”
Pacey rested his head against the cool wood of the dock, his head practically touching his knees. The pain inside him alive, taking him over, replacing everything else inside him. He closed his eyes, torturing himself with the vision of her in Dawson’s arms, kissing him. Loving him.
He’d been fooling himself all along. He had never stood a chance with her. He’d been the catalyst – once again – for Dawson to realize he had feelings for Joey Potter. He’d been the one to open his eyes the first time, when he knew he didn’t stand a chance; and now again he was playing matchmaker.
Last time it had just cost him a little ego. This time, it had cost him his heart.
Not caring that the wood beneath him was wet, Pacey rolled over onto his back and stared up at the starry sky. Why? Why had he let himself believe that she could feel the same way? Why had he let himself get swept up in it all? Hadn’t he been watching all along? Hadn’t he read Dawson’s script?
Tears stung his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. Stupidity didn’t qualify tears. It was all his own fault. He should have seen where this was headed. He should have stepped back the moment he realized that he had feelings for her and stayed the hell away from her. He should have gone through on the deal with Jen. He should have gone to Andie and begged her to rescue him from his own self-destructive tendencies.
Taking a huge, gasping breath, he gave into the tears, unable to hold them back any longer. He hadn’t wanted this, hadn’t asked for it. He wanted it all to go back to the way it was, back when he had a best friend and a sparring partner. He wanted to trade all this pain in for something more manageable. Something like Andie cheating on him again, his father hitting him, a lifetime of disappointment.
Anything but this aching loneliness that was looming before him. Without Dawson and Joey, he had nothing. He sat up and rested his wrists on his knees, staring out at the dark water. Doug’s words played over in his mind. “School’s almost over.”
A whole summer without them. A whole summer without seeing them fall in love again. A whole summer without seeing her. His chest heaved with a silent sob and he struggled to his feet. His eyes raked over his boat, wishing for the days when he thought it was all so unattainable. Back then, he’d thought it was out of his reach because it didn’t exist. Now he knew it was out of his reach simply because the woman he loved didn’t love him.
And thanks to Dawson Leery, she never would.
Joey stopped at the base of her porch, looking up at Dawson. She wondered if Bessie was lurking behind the curtains, wondering if her little sister was going to decide her future; or if, like Dawson, she’d already come to the conclusion that there was never anything to decide.
“Dawson?”
He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Yeah?”
“I should go in. School tomorrow and all that.” She swallowed hard. “So, I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
He nodded, smiling down at her. “Sure. But I have one favor to ask.”
Her dark eyes were filled with sorrow as they met his. She knew what he was going to ask and she wished it didn’t hurt so much to grant his request. She moved up and pressed her lips to his, closing her eyes. The kiss was sweet and loving, just as Dawson’s kisses had always been. He did love her. She loved him. Stepping back, Joey managed a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. Would it be so bad to simply be in love with him again?
“Night, Dawson.”
“Night, Jo. I'll see you tomorrow.”
She walked inside and shut the door behind her, watching him walk toward the dock. Leaning against the door, she closed her eyes and focused on the slump of Pacey’s shoulders as he’d walked away from them on the dock. She remembered the dark pain that seemed to emanate from him as he’d turned, ignoring her now.
His eyes said so much, even in the dim light by the docks. He didn’t want to feel the way he did anymore. He didn’t want to love her, because it hurt him so much. She wondered if he knew that it hurt her too. Not his emotions, but the tangle that hers had become.
“How was your walk?”
“Don’t ever do that to me again, Bessie.” She turned and glared at her sister, glad to have a target to take out her aggression, anger and pain on. “This is hard enough without you taking sides.”
“I’m not taking sides, Joey. I just think you’ve got to give them both a chance to show you what kind of man they are.”
“They’re not men, Bessie!” Joey felt the sting of tears and laughed bitterly. She didn’t cry. Swiping the offending drops away; she glared at her sister. “They’re boys. Sixteen year old boys that think more with their hearts and their hormones than they do with their heads. They’re little boys playing tug of war. With me.”
“You’ve spent your whole life loving Dawson,” Bessie started.
“I know that! But couldn’t I, just for a while, find someone new that meant as much? Someone new that’s been here the whole time? What if I like Pacey, Bessie? What if there are feelings there that are now pointless, because he saw me kissing Dawson.”
“If you have feelings for Pacey, why were you kissing Dawson?”
“Because I have feelings for him too.” She lost the battle with the tears and they coursed down her cheeks. “And now I don’t have a choice.”
“Did you before, Joey?” Bessie moved to put her arm around her sister, pulling her close to her as she started for Joey’s bedroom. “They’re your friends, and if you want to hang onto the friendship, you only have one choice. If you choose Dawson, you and Pacey have a chance of finding your way back to being friends, or whatever the hell you were. And Pacey, so long as he’s willing to be a good loser, will find his friendship with Dawson firmly intact. But honey, if you choose Pacey, he and Dawson aren’t ever going to be the same again.”
“So to save their friendship, I have to give up on what could be the best thing in my life?”
“Are you going to risk what has been the best thing in your life for so many years for the chance at something that *might* be just as good?” Bessie shrugged and ushered her sister into her room. “Dawson’s your best friend Joey, and he loves you.”
“Pacey…”
“You and Pacey have been at each other’s throats since you first met.”
Joey flashed back to the last time Pacey had been at her throat, his lips grazing the hot skin, his tongue tracing her pulse points. “But he’s always…”
“Who means more to you now, Joey?”
“Can’t it all just go back to the way it was?”
Bessie shook her head, pulling the door closed behind her. “No, Joey. Not ever again.”
Pacey stood in front of Dawson’s locker, his eyes closed, his head banging back into the metal to the tune that echoed in his head. He almost laughed as he realized it was one of Doug’s diva’s singing along with his pain.
“Can I help you?”
His eyes snapped open and he faced his best friend. “No. I had…” he held out a bottle of champagne. “You offered this to me to christen my True Love. I just thought it appropriate that I do the same.” He handed the bottle to him. “It’s nice to know that you’re life is like a movie, Dawson. Nice to know the good guys still always win.” He started to say more, stopping as Joey came up behind Dawson.
He averted his eyes, unable to meet her gaze, unwilling to see pity. Dawson hefted the bottle. “Thank you, Pacey. Nice to know you do have some redeeming qualities.”
“Don’t be too sure, Dawson.” He looked up quickly, flinching as Dawson reached back to put his arm around Joey, pulling her forward. His eyes locked with hers and he fought to control his breathing. The bell rang and he finally looked away. “I have to go. Gotta meeting with the counselor.”
“Big surprise.” Dawson’s comment followed him down the hall, haunting him just as badly as her dark eyes. Eyes that were full of sorrow and apologizes that he didn’t deserve.
He ducked into the counselor’s office and sat down opposite his desk. “Well?”
“They agreed.” He held out his hand for the paper Pacey was holding. “I can’t believe they agreed, but they did. Today after school too soon?”
“All of them?” Pacey’s eyes widened.
“Well, your paper is your final in English. You’ve only got three others. It’s up to you, Pacey. I get the impression this is a one time deal.”
“Okay. Deal. When and where?”
“I’ll administer them today after school. I’ll meet you in the library. Some of your teachers will be present, but I think for the most part, you’re going to be on your own.”
The phrase hit him like a fist. “Right. Well, I’m good at that.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Thank you.”
A bit surprised, the counselor held his own hand out and shook Pacey’s. “They were all impressed with your work, Pacey. You may pull something better than a C in a couple of your classes.”
“I just want to pass.”
“I wish you’d have shown this kind of dedication earlier in the year. You could have been one of the top students in your class.”
“There’s a lot of things I could have done differently this year,” Pacey said quietly. “Thanks again.”
“I’ll write you a pass.”
“No. It’s okay. I’ll be in the library. There’s no point in disrupting class any more than I already do.” Pacey hefted his books. “I’ll see you after school.”
Joey sank down next to Jen. Her eyes strayed over to Jen’s tray, and she stared unseeingly at her lunch. Jen raised an eyebrow. “It’s just a hoagie, Jo.”
“What?” Joey looked up and blushed. “Sorry.”
“Something wrong?”
“Only everything. Is everything a decent response?” Joey looked away. “Dawson and I are back together.”
“You are?” Jen’s tone was surprised. “Really?”
“You sound surprised. Why are you surprised? Everyone else seems to think it was a given.”
“I didn’t think Pacey would give up so easily.”
“I didn’t give him much choice.” Joey related the events of the previous night to Jen, looking away from her as she grew more and more annoyed.
“You know, Dawson is pissing me off.” Jen turned so that she was looking at Joey. “This is someone’s heart you’re playing with here, Joey. Someone you profess to care about, maybe even love. Do you not even realize that you’re showing no concern for his feelings, for his heart? I told you, Joey, his heart was more fragile than most, did you not listen to me?”
“I listened!” Joey glared at Jen. “I listened. I tried to explain. I tried!”
“What did you explain, Joey? Did you go to Pacey last night and tell him that Dawson kissed you first? Did you go to him and tell him you have feelings for him? Did you go to him and tell him that you’re trying to do what’s best for everyone, but you don’t know how since what’s best for him seems to be mutually exclusive to what’s best for Dawson? Did you go to him at all, Joey?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I wanted to!” Joey felt the tears again, but refused to let them fall. “And I knew that because I wanted to, I couldn’t. Because all he’d have to do was look at me and my resolve would falter. And I would be right back where we started.”
“Did you think that maybe that was a sign?”
“No. I was meant to be with Dawson.”
Jen shook her head. “Yeah? Who decided that, Joey? The screenwriter himself?” She stood up and glared down at Joey. “Well, if you remember correctly, his last script had him rolling around under the sheets with me, and that never happened. So what makes you think this has to?”
Pacey finished his exams and sat staring down at the last paper. This was it. Turn this in and he was free. The summer stretched out in front of him. They would have three more weeks of school during which he could avoid them easily. He’d work out his two weeks at Screen Play then head over to the department and apply for the internship. Maybe he’d finally manage to make his father proud.
Standing up, he handed the paper to the counselor. “Thanks again.”
“If you don’t manage a passing grade, you’ll be hearing from me about summer school.”
“I look forward to not receiving your call.” He grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. “Because I passed. With flying colors.”
He grinned and started for his locker, stopping for a moment as he saw Dawson standing by his own. Grabbing what was left of his stuff out of his locker, Pacey stuffed his textbooks in the empty space. They could get them on the last day of school when they emptied the remaining lockers. He didn’t want to worry about them now. He wanted to turn and walk away.
“I have an idea.” He heard Dawson’s voice and started to leave. “Hey Pacey!”
He turned slowly; wishing fervently that it was in the other direction. “Yeah?”
“I was wondering.” Dawson held up the bottle of champagne. “Joey and I were thinking about the christening and we realized we really don’t have a place to do it. You think we could borrow True Love to consummate ours?”
Pacey couldn’t hear anything but the rush of blood pounding through his veins. He clutched the straps of his backpack in a death grip, aching to let his anger loose on his best friend…ex-best friend. “Actually, the boat’s all tied up, Dawson. You’ll have to find someplace else, I’m afraid. Try the ruins. They’re pretty nice for a first time.”
“You would know.”
Pacey nodded, his laugh hollow as he turned and walked away. “I certainly would.”
Joey knocked softly on Doug’s door, hoping that she’d be welcome. Doug opened it and laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Is he here?”
“Not for you.”
“Doug, please? I need to talk to him.”
“You don’t get to talk to him.” Doug crossed his arms over his chest. “You don’t get to break his heart and treat him like you have and then walk over here expecting everything to be okay.”
“I know it’s not okay, that’s why I’m here. Please Doug?” She blinked back the tears she couldn’t seem to shake. “I just want to talk to him, let him know that it’s not what he thinks. It’s not what he wants, maybe, but it’s not what he thinks.”
Doug glared down at her. “Do you have any idea what he’s been through? Do you know what he did for you and that damn boat? He spent hours doing grunt work for my father to earn the money for that wall. Hours listening to my father tell him that he wasn’t good enough, nothing was right, nothing was good enough for John Witter. Pacey had to listen to him say things about how if he weren’t such a screw up, Andie wouldn’t have cheated on him. He had to listen to him rant and roar about everything that he’d ever done wrong.”
“I’m sorry.” The tears were threatening even more now, filling her eyes and making everything dance.
“But he did it with a smile on his face, because he knew he was giving you something you wanted, something you deserved, at least in his eyes.”
“I know.” Joey’s dark eyes begged him. “I want to tell him that I know and I…I love him for what he did, Doug. But I can’t… I just need him to know that it’s me and not him. He’s so worthy of being loved, and I didn’t…I’m not the right person for him, because I can’t love him like he deserves. Please, just let me in, let me tell him?”
“I can’t.”
“Please?”
“He’s not here.”
Joey inhaled, the breath stuttering. “Where?”
“Where do you think, Joey? He’s lost the woman he loves. He took the only thing he has left out for a spin.”
“Oh.” She said, the sounds as small as the word itself. She turned quickly and took off at a run, headed for the docks.
She stopped running when she reached his slip, standing there frozen at the empty water. The tears won and she sank down onto the dock, watching the water, waiting for his return.
Doug sat next to Joey just as the first rays of sunlight filtered through the sky. He draped his jacket over her shoulders and settled his arm around her to try and warm her. “You should go home.”
“I have to wait for Pacey. I told you, I need to talk to him.” She continued to stare out at the water, knowing even as she did that it was hopeless.
“He’s gone, Joey. He’s not coming back.”
“He’ll be back.”
“I got a call from his counselor at school. He took all his exams early. Passed his junior year with fairly decent grades. He’s done with school for the year, Joey. He’s not coming back. He’s gone for the summer.”
“But…”
“You can’t sit out here the whole summer.” He pulled her a little closer, offering what little comfort he could. “He wanted to give you the space you needed to be with Dawson again. He wanted you to have what you needed, Joey. What he figured you deserved. He paid for the wall through the summer. I figure he’ll want to see what you paint when he gets back.”
“You think?”
Doug looked down at her hopeful gaze and nodded. “I think. Besides, Joey, you should know better than anyone how much, how many things can change in the course of a summer.”
She nodded. “He wants me to be happy?”
“I think that was his plan.”
“Then why did he go?”
“Because, Joey, even if you don’t know it, Pacey does. Dawson is what makes you happy. Always has been, always will be.”
“But…”
“And Pacey needs some time and some space. So that it doesn’t hurt quite so much.”
Joey nodded again, her whole chest hurting with unshed tears. “Does it stop hurting?”
“No. But it gets easier to live with.”
“You’ll let me know when he comes home?”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Okay.” Joey waited until Doug stood up and offered her his hand before getting to her feet. “So I just go on with my life?”
“Yeah. Only with a little less banter.”
“I’m going to miss the banter.” Joey walked off slowly, holding Doug’s coat tightly around her shivering form.
Doug’s mouth quirked up in a grin. “Me too.”
SEPTEMBER:
Joey kissed Dawson on the cheek and moved away, coming back to him as he refused to release her hand. She moved closer, kissing him in earnest. The first bell rang and she pulled away. “Daaawson.”
“Okay, okay.” He released her. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Save me a seat.”
“Always.” He kissed her again and they rushed off in opposite directions.
Jen raised her hand as Joey walked in, motioning her to the empty chair next to hers. Joey sank down and turned slightly. “You seen him yet?”
“Nope.”
“Heard from Doug?”
“Nope.”
“Me either. He promised he’d call. Maybe he doesn’t know when school starts?”
“How could you not know, Joey? It’s started the same time every year for the last eleven years. I’m pretty sure that Pacey could figure it out.”
“I know. I just…I want to see him. I want to know that everything’s okay. That this summer wasn’t…”
“The summer was great for you and Dawson, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So the summer wasn’t bad, no matter what happens with Pacey. Got it?”
“Right.” Joey grinned. “But the beginning was hard. And I want it to be okay between us all. I want to know that we didn’t all suffer in vain.”
“Everything’s going to be okay. Things might be weird at first. Things might be a little touchy for you and Dawson while everyone gets used to everyone again. But it’s going to be okay. We’re friends. And if you and I can get past all our baggage, surely you can get over something as simple as Pacey falling in love with you.”
Joey laughed. “Really. What was I thinking?”
The second bell rang and Joey faced the front of the classroom, Jen’s words something of a comfort. She’d looked forward to this day more than she cared to admit, even to herself. She wanted to see him again, wanted to know that he was okay.
She was happy with Dawson. They’d managed to start over and make things work out for them, giving each other enough freedom to keep them close. But she needed something that only Pacey gave her. She grinned. She was losing her bitch edge, without him there to sharpen her wit on.
“Josephine Potter?”
“Here,” she responded automatically.
“Pacey Witter?”
Joey’s eyes lifted, her head turning to survey the room, even though she knew he wasn’t there. Everyone else looked as well as the teacher was answered only by silence.
Sighing, the teacher made a mark in her book. “How typical of Mr. Witter to start the year off on the wrong foot.”
Joey smirked. He would make it up. As soon as he got home.
Joey turned her head, jerking the car to a stop as Doug drove past her, leaving her house. Yanking the key from the ignition, she jumped out, rushing toward the front door. She slammed into the house, looking around wildly. “Bessie? Was that Doug? Is it Pacey? Is he home?”
When no one answered, Joey started for the kitchen. Bessie was sitting at the table in the breakfast nook, staring at the piece of paper in front of her, tears running down her face.
“Bessie?” Joey approached her cautiously, tentatively. Her earlier exuberance was replaced with a sense of dread. “Bessie?” Joey walked behind her sister and rested her hand on her back. She eased the paper from under Bessie’s hand, her thoughts flying wildly. Her father. Their father. Please God, she thought. Let Dad be okay…
The heading on the paper read “Capeside Police Department: Case Report 97892000” in dark letters, followed by information from another precinct. Joey’s forehead creased in confusion, and she forced herself to slow down and read the words. There was a blurred black and white picture at the bottom of the page and she unwillingly found her eyes focusing on it.
Amidst piles of dark gray rocks, there were shattered pieces of wood and fiberglass, slivers and large pieces all smashed together in an orgy of destruction. But she didn’t see any of that. She only saw one intact piece, lying atop the ruins.
“…rue Lov…”
“Oh God.” Her breath caught and she felt as though her chest would cave in under the pressure. She looked at the writing beneath it, not wanting to see, not wanting to believe.
“The remains of a 20 foot skiff were found on August 25th, 2000 off the coast of Maine in a remote area after a freak storm. Divers have been searching for members of the crew since the wreckage was recovered. The boat, “True Love”, is registered to Pacey J. Witter of Capeside Massachusetts. The Coast Guard announced today that the search was called off at 6am this morning, September 1, 2000. No bodies have been found. According to family, Mr. Witter was alone on the boat.
At this time he is missing, presumed lost at sea.”
| 05/16/00 |
| Private Voices |
| Dawson's Archive | Buffy Archive |