Pacey turned off the monitor and leaned back in the desk chair, idly scratching his thigh through his pants. Pushing away from the desk, he walked into the kitchen. A few minutes of digging through the cabinets finally yielded what he was looking for.
He grabbed the jar he wanted and carried it with him into the bedroom. Stripping down to his boxers, he twisted the lid off the jar and dug his hand into it.
His nose wrinkled as it oozed through his fingers before he smoothed it over his chest. His face distorted into a grimace as he finished with his chest and moved on to his arms and legs.
The jar was almost empty, and he stared over his shoulder into the mirror. A sprinkling of red covered the smooth surface, and he wondered how he was supposed to reach it.
The buzz of the door forced a muttered curse from him. Setting the jar on the dresser, he waddled into the living room and swung the door open.
“Hey…Pacey?” Jen burst into laughter. “What in the hell are you doing?”
“It’s…” he blushed and stuck one covered finger into his mouth. “It’s peanut butter. Do you think you could get my back?”
“Do I want to know why you’re wearing…” Jen looked him over. “Chunky peanut butter?”
“We didn’t have creamy.”
“I think you’re missing my point. Why are you wearing peanut butter at all?”
“Well…well, Dawson said that you should put peanut butter on poison ivy or oak or whatever it is I stumbled into this past weekend.”
“Peanut butter?” She shook her head. “You use peanut butter to get gum out of your hair. Not for anything poisonous.” Jen tried not to laugh, but couldn’t quite managed it. “Why don’t you go take a shower or something? I’ll go get some calamine lotion at the store and meet you back here.”
“That…” Pacey glanced down at his covered skin. “That’d be great. Thanks Jen.”
“No problem.”
“Oh!” He lifted a hand to catch her attention. “Do…do you think you could pick up some peanut butter? We’re kind of…um, out.”
Jen nodded and grinned. “Sure thing. I’ll be back in a Jif.”
**
Joey sat down at one of the small metal tables outside the coffee shop. She traced the rim of her coffee mug then slipped her finger through the handle, and lifted the cup to her lips.
“Is this seat taken?”
“Depends.” She squinted up at Doug. “You planning on arresting me again?”
“Did you pay for that coffee?”
“Yep.”
“Then I think you’re safe.” Doug sat across from her and stared out into the quiet street. “Can I ask you something, Joey?
“Sure.”
“What do you think of my brother?”
“What?” Joey swallowed hard, barely keeping her coffee down. “What do you mean?”
“Well, Pacey’s always had trouble in life and in school. And I know he’s suffered some setbacks this year. So I was just wondering how he was doing.”
“Maybe this is going to seem harsh Doug, but why do you care?”
Doug got up and ordered a coffee from the stand. Carrying it back to the table, he sat down again and slowly stirred sugar into his drink. “Pacey and I haven’t been the best of friends for a long time, but he’s still my brother.”
“A fact you’ve ignored for pretty much the past ten years, unless it was to make him miserable.”
“True.” Doug shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. “But I’m not ignoring it now.”
“He’s okay.” Joey stared down into her cup. “I mean, he’s no super student, but he’s passing most of his classes right now.”
“Thanks to you, I hear.”
“No. Maybe.” She shrugged. “Pacey just needs motivation.”
Doug smiled. “And girls are good motivators for my over-sexed little brother.”
“I’m not…” Joey blushed a vivid red. “I don’t motivate him that way.”
Doug raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry. Did I imply that?”
Joey managed a grin. “You’re such a cop.”
“That’s what the badge says.” Doug smiled as he took another drink. “He needs a good friend.”
“He has Dawson.”
“He needs you.”
Joey set her cup down and stared at the store across the street. “I’ll always be Pacey’s friend.”
Doug nodded, even though she wasn’t watching him. “Good.” He set his mug on the table and stood up. “It’s nice to know he has you, Joey.” He watched as her suspicious eyes flew to him. “You know, as a friend.”
**
Pacey peeked through the peephole before opening the door. Jen held up a bag for him to see. He swung the door open. “I was thinking about trying out egg salad or tuna fish, but I figured plain old clothes would be better.”
“I’m thankful for that.” She handed him the bag. “Don’t confuse the bottles.”
Pacey carried the bag into the kitchen and removed the calamine lotion. “You never said what brought you here. Not that I don’t appreciate the home remedy advice and the utter humiliation of you finding me in odd food substances, mind you.”
“Are there any non-odd food substances, Pacey?”
“There was that pudding fight I was in when I was five. Dawson and I ganged up on Joey. At least, until he switched sides and started helping her.” Pacey sighed, the memory all the more bittersweet for the recent events. “Then I was covered in pudding.”
Jen laughed and took the bottle of lotion from his hands. “Take off your shirt and I’ll get your back.”
Pacey shrugged and tugged his shirt over his head. Jen grabbed a tissue and dabbed the pink lotion onto the rash on his back. “So, Nurse Lindley, why are you here?”
“Joey.”
Pacey stiffened at the mere mention of her name. “What about her?”
“Calm down, Romeo. I’m on your side here.”
“Right. Sorry. I’m a little…defensive these days.”
“Because of the kiss?”
“What?”
Jen tossed the tissue in the wastebasket. “Joey mentioned to me that you kissed her.” She watched a look of pure horror spread across his face and bit back her smile. “But maybe we should pretend she didn’t?”
“That would probably be best.” Pacey pulled his shirt back on, ignoring the cool lotion as it tingled against his skin. “In fact, Joey and I have both agreed that we’re pretending it never happened, so it would be great if you did the same.”
Jen sat down on the sofa. “You think you can? Pretend, that is.”
“I don’t have much choice. Joey’s made it pretty clear that she can.”
“How long have you had these feelings, Pacey?”
He gave her an exasperated look. “Haven’t we gone over this already?” When she didn’t respond, he sighed. “How long have I had them, or how long have I allowed myself to acknowledge them?”
“Let’s go with the second, just to save time.”
“After Andie and I…after Andie cheated on me, Joey and I were sort of there for each other. And we were able to become friends without Dawson between us.”
“And you fell in love with her?”
“I never said that.”
“You never had to.”
Pacey slumped down on the couch. “What I wouldn’t give to be less obvious.”
“You’ll never be less than obvious to me, Pace.” Jen leaned forward and touched his knee. “And it’s okay that you’re in love with her.”
“Really? Not according to Joey. And I’m sure as hell it wouldn’t be okay with Dawson. I would go so far as to say it couldn’t be less okay, Jen. My friendships – my two longest and nearly only friendships – hang precariously in the balance. And let’s not forget the lovely Miss McPhee, who doesn’t need another downward spiral, especially not one caused by yours truly.”
“You can’t be responsible for everyone else, Pacey. You have to do what’s in your heart. And if she’s the one, then you can’t just sit idly by and pretend.”
“I don’t have a choice. I can’t make Joey love me. Believe me, whether I knew it or not, I’ve been trying my damnedest over the past few months, and it hasn’t worked yet.”
“Are you sure?”
He leaned his head back on the couch. “She said it meant nothing. She said she over-reacted and it meant nothing. We’re just friends.”
“Who said it first?” Pacey’s mouth pursed and he refused to look at her. “Well? Come on, Pacey. Who said it didn’t matter first?”
“I did, okay?” He glared at her. “I did. Because I couldn’t handle her having pity on me. I couldn’t handle the look on her face when she realized that I’m head over heels in love with her and she doesn’t feel the same. I couldn’t handle her treating me differently because of it.”
“So you’re pretending that you don’t feel anything. How is that better than her knowing?” She sighed, hating that she didn’t know the right thing to say. “How is this better, Pacey?”
“Because I can still see her and be around her. I can still talk to her and…and touch her. I can still…” he shook his head, hating the emotion he couldn’t control. “I can still be her friend. If I said what I felt, if I let her know how much she meant to me, I wouldn’t be able to handle this, Jen. I’d have to …I don’t know. But I can’t not be around her. If I do that, there’s a lot of questions that would get asked and in the end, the truth would come out.”
“So you’re lying to Joey so that you can keep lying to Dawson and yourself and everyone else around you, except me.”
“I’d lie to you too, if you’d let me. That way we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Again.” Pacey looked down at his hands. “I have to lie, Jen. If I don’t lie about it, something might come of all of this.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“You should have seen her face afterwards.” The corner of his mouth lifted in the mockery of a smile. “She looked so horrified and appalled and…”
“You surprised her, Pacey.”
“Right. I surprised her, which should mean that she didn’t notice that I was falling in…,” he cleared his throat. “She didn’t notice. And she didn’t care. So we’re friends.”
“Friends.”
“Friends.” He was adamant.
“Friends that kiss?”
“No. There’s not anymore kissing. Kissing would drive me right out of my head.” Grabbing the bottle of calamine lotion off the coffee table, Pacey dabbed a bit on his finger and rubbed it with his thumb. “Kissing her is like rolling in poison ivy. It might be a hell of a lot of fun while you’re doing it, but the aftereffects suck.”
“And I suppose kissing her could lead to you ending up covered in peanut butter,” Jen laughed at his expression, which went from shock to outrage before it settled into…intrigued. “Pacey, you love her and, no matter how much you want it to, it’s not going to go away. You need to resolve it.”
“We have.” Pacey watched her as she stood and headed for the door. “We resolved that we weren’t going to do it any more.”
“You haven’t resolved anything, Pacey. You’ve just postponed it.” She gave him a long look and smiled. “I’ll see you around.”
“See you around, Lindley.” He stood as she left, grabbing the calamine lotion and heading for the bathroom. The computer chimed its ubiquitous mail message and he stopped with a sigh. Bringing the monitor back to life, he clicked on the icon and almost laughed.
Dawson. Spring break. All the gang together. Dawson and Joey bonding over years past.
Sounded like his own private hell.
He wondered if she’d be there.