Joey looked around the Leery restaurant, searching for familiar faces amidst the bright lights and camera crew. Finally spying Jen and Jack, she wove her way over to their table. “Hey.”

“Hey!” Jack grabbed another seat for her and pulled it over. “It’s a good thing you showed up.”

“Why’s that?”

“Jen and I have run out of things to talk about.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to help.”

“You’re supposed to tell us about your study session with Pacey last night.”

“You two really are hard up for conversational topics, aren’t you?”

Jen rolled her eyes, leaning in conspiratorially. “Dish.”

Joey leaned in as well, a knowing smile on her face. “We talked about MacBeth.”

“That’s it?” Jack’s voice was disappointed. “You keep this up, Joey, and I’m going to be getting more action than you.”

“Now that sounds like juicy gossip.” Joey moved her chair closer to Jack’s and focused her intense stare on him. “Do tell.”

“Hey guys.” Dawson walked up to the table, grabbed a nearby chair, swung it around and straddled it. Leaning on the back, he gave them all a smile. “Sorry about the delay.”

“Why didn’t you just shoot this Dawson?”

He shrugged at Jen’s question. “Mom wanted professionals. With the new baby on the way, my folks are determined to achieve financial success.”

“Even without your help?”

Dawson ignored Jen and turned his eyes to Joey. “I’m glad you came.”

“Sorry I was late. Rough night.”

“Really?”

Joey’s defenses snapped up at Dawson’s tone. “You have some reason to think I’m lying?”

“I just thought you and Pacey broke up.”

“We did.”

“And yet you had a rough night? Why’s that exactly? Is Pacey not taking the hint or is senior English just too much for him?”

“And you actually wondered why I didn’t tell you?” Joey’s voice was laced with incredulity and anger as she stood up, her hands flat on the table. She glared at Dawson. “For your information, my rough night had nothing to do with Pacey and everything to do with a problem furnace and a sick toddler.” Joey shook her head as she straightened, barely able to look at Dawson. “But you just assumed it was Pacey…or Pacey being the kind of jerk you need him to be. You just have no idea that it kills me to be without him, do you?”

“Apparently you’ve lived three months without him.”

“You’re right, Dawson. And you know what else?”

His smiled widened in anticipation, “What?”

“I’ve managed to survive even longer without you.”

I shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t feel the need to be here. I have a dozen things that are actually more important than anything going on at the Leery’s restaurant, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me from standing outside the doors, debating on whether or not I’m actually going to go inside.

For whatever it’s worth, there’s absolutely no jealousy over the fact that Joey’s in there with Dawson. For the first time, maybe in my entire life, I’m not jealous of what Dawson has or is or anything.

It’s a strange feeling.

Strange, but it also feels like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like Joey and I can move forward now, completely honest with each other.

Without Dawson in her heart. Or on my mind.

Joey slammed against the restaurant door, practically knocking Pacey over as she barreled into him. He caught her by the shoulders, managing to keep them both standing. “Where’s the fire, Potter?”

“Pacey.” She stopped, struggling to catch her breath. “Sorry. Didn’t see you.”

“Tough to notice anything other than that blinding rage?” He looped his arm around her shoulders and started walking in the opposite direction of the restaurant. “What’s the matter? Did the director lead you to the casting couch? Tell you that you were eating your chowder all wrong? Was his tone condescending when he told you how a real New Englander would dress while dining in such an establishment?”

A tentative smile replaced her angry look as she settled into step with him. “Something like that.”

“You shouldn’t let him get to you.”

“I normally don’t. But I’m sort of unreasonable when it comes to certain topics.”

Pacey stopped walking, his expression one of shock. “No!”

“Screw you, Pacey.”

“Oh, Joey!” He swept her up in his arms and spun her around. “I thought you’d never get around to asking!” He continued to whirl her around until she was giggling, begging him to stop. He carefully placed her feet on the ground before collapsing on a nearby bench. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Idiot.” She made her way over to him and sat beside him, closing her eyes in contentment as he rested his head on her shoulder.

“Call me anything you want, so long as you keep smiling like that.”

Turning her head, Joey looked down into his blue eyes, so intent on hers. “Pacey?” The word was barely a whisper and barely a question. He brought his lips up to hers and met them briefly.

“You know something?”

“What?” She exhaled and he inhaled, the word and her breath warming him.

“Gretchen’s back there in the restaurant, helping out with the commercial. And from what I gathered from the phone call I didn’t overhear on purpose, she’s headed over to the Witter family asylum for dinner. One I was conveniently not invited to.”

“It pays to be the black sheep, does it?”

“You’ve tasted my mother’s cooking. You know the answer to that.” Pacey’s eyes were dancing with mischief. “So, what would you say to coming home with me and helping me study some more?”

“I could do that,” she nodded slightly, not moving away from him. “What class was it you were having trouble in?”

“Biology.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we’re on the sex education chapter and I just don’t think I’m getting it.”

“Well, by all means then, let’s go back to your house and see what we can do about that.”

How did I go from furious to content in just a few seconds? How is it that just being near him, not to mention being held in his arms, can change who I am and how I feel so easily? It’s this power he has over me and, for some strange reason, it doesn’t bother me.

I thought it would. I thought I’d feel controlled or…lesser for some reason. Maybe because that’s the way I felt with Dawson. Dawson always had these dreams and aspirations that everyone was so sure of that the rest of our lives seemed to pale in comparison. My dreams were always a back seat to what he wanted.

Is it because, of the two of us, I’m the one with the aspirations now? But Pacey never seems to feel like I’m using him or pulling him along after me. He always seems right beside me, encouraging me. But I get to stand beside him as well. I have these moments of just overwhelming pride for him, for what he’s accomplished.

This is what it’s supposed to be, right? This mutual feeling of respect and love and pride and…How could I ever question that he loved me? And loved me right? And that I loved him?

Did Dawson ever love me like that? Or was he in love with the idea of me?

I don’t want to think about Dawson. Not while I’m with Pacey. Not when everything seems so perfect, not when I’m going to be alone with him. Not when I know what I want to happen, what he wants to happen.

What will happen.

I hope.

Pacey sank onto the couch, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. Giving Joey an alluring smile, he patted the cushion next to him. “C’mere.”

“What? You think I’m going to go over there and sit next to you?” Joey put her hands on her hips, her eyebrow raised questioningly. “I know exactly what you have in mind, Mr. Witter.”

“You do, do ya?”

“Oh yeah.” She started walking toward him, a smile threatening. “You want me to sit there next to you.” She stepped over his legs so that she was straddling them. “And waste a perfectly beautiful day.” She placed her knees on the edge of the couch and lowered herself onto his lap. “Studying with you.”

Pacey’s grin widened as he raised one hand up. He pressed it against her cheek, his thumb stroking her lower lip. “You want me to graduate, don’t you?”

Joey grabbed the back of the couch and pulled herself further up Pacey’s body. She could feel the bulge of his erection threatening through his pants, positioning herself so that it pressed against her, tight on the ache that was beginning to build. “Depends. Are you still going to follow me wherever I go?”

Pacey was about to respond when Joey moved forward, her mouth covering his. Her tongue slipped between his lips, parting them eagerly so she could taste him. With a muffled groan, Pacey wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body hard against his.

They devoured each other. Joey’s hands lifted from Pacey’s shoulders to hold his head, guiding the kiss in an effort to satisfy the hunger that threatened to consume her. Lips and tongues and teeth met in a hot, angry tangle as Joey ground down against Pacey, feeling his erection swell beneath her.

Pacey’s found Joey’s arms with his hands and forced her away from him, inhaling deep breaths of cool air. “Jesus, Jo.”

She shook her head, her hands reaching for his shirt and unbuttoning it, baring his skin. It was still tanned from their summer on the boat, the black chest hair sprinkled across the smooth skin like an invitation to touch. Tugging carefully, she pulled his shirt from his jeans and finished unfastening it. “Did I ever tell you how incredibly sexy you were? How hot you make me?”

“I don’t think…” He broke off as she leaned forward, pressing against him once more. The hard tips of her nipples were like diamond against his skin. “Joey…”

Joey caught his lower lip between her teeth, nibbling at the soft skin. “You’re so hard, Pacey. I can feel you.” Her body shifted slightly, placing more pressure, more heat over him. “I want to feel you.”

Pacey whimpered as Joey pulled away, placing her palms on his chest. Her thumbs rubbed over his nipples, making them even harder than the contact with her had done. He watched her with narrowed eyes, the sight of her, chewing her lower lip in concentration as she seduced him, was a powerful enough aphrodisiac, but coupled with the warm touch of her hands, as inexperienced as they were, was almost too much.

Standing up, Joey pushed Pacey’s legs off the coffee table and parted them with her hands. Sinking onto her knees, she leaned forward, her face even with his chest. Her eyes searched his for a moment before she smiled, lopsided and awkward. “I had this thought on the boat that I never did anything about.”

Pacey forced his mind into gear, struggling to follow Joey’s conversation. “You did?”

“I thought,” she leaned in until she was almost touching his skin. “I thought that you looked good enough to eat.”

“And what…what would you do about that?” He didn’t recognize his own voice, soft and seductive with a hint of wonder in it.

“I thought I might taste you.”

A shiver of pure lust poured through Pacey as Joey flicked her tongue over one of his nipples, wetting it before she placed her mouth over it and sucked lightly at the distended tip. After a moment, she caught it between her teeth and scraped it gently, smiling as Pacey groaned.

“You like that?” She asked quietly as she moved to the other nipple, treating it to the same exquisite torture.

Pacey nodded, winding his hands through Joey’s silky hair, stroking it lovingly as she placed kisses over his chest. Her tongue danced over his skin, trailing between his nipples and down his stomach until she swirled it through the soft spattering of hair just above his belt. “Jo…” Pacey whispered shakily.

“I said I wanted to taste you, Pacey.” She pulled back once again, just enough so that she could unfasten his belt. “And now I want more.”

He licked his suddenly dry lips, desperate to keep some sort of control as Joey began undoing his jeans. His hands trembled in her hair as she slid the zipper down, the sound filling the quiet room. Joey looked up at Pacey, meeting his gaze for a long moment. Still holding his gaze, she moved her hand, ready to ease his boxers over his erection. “Jo…”

The phone rang, startling them both. Joey jumped slightly and Pacey nearly climbed over the couch in an effort to reach it.

“Let the machine get it.” Joey got to her feet, following him toward the phone.

“Could be important.” He slowed as the machine clicked off, the caller apparently not wanting to leave a message.

Catching up with him, Joey pinned Pacey to the window. “Not as important as this.” She sank to her knees in front of him, one hand holding him in place. “Unless you don’t want me to?”

“I do, I just…”

“Good.” This time Joey didn’t hesitate as she guided his boxers down. She licked her lips as she stared at him, slightly overwhelmed by the sight. Bringing her free hand up, she ran it carefully along the length from tip to base, watching Pacey as he shuddered. “It’s so soft,” she breathed.

“Not soft.” Pacey shook his head vehemently, his hands clutching the curtains.

“No,” she agreed. “Not soft. Smooth.” She continued stroking him lightly, faint touches that teased him. “I never thought it would feel so good.”

“You should be me,” he managed. Joey grinned up at him and sped up her movements, increasing the pressure as she did so. Pacey’s breath left him shakily and he leaned back trying to relax under her touch.

A warm rush of power joined the race of excitement through Joey’s body as she leaned into him, brushing the leaking tip with her tongue. Pacey made an unintelligible noise, his hand slamming back against the glass. Encouraged by his response, Joey ran her tongue along the entire length of his shaft before engulfing him in her mouth.

“Oh…Christ…” Pacey tilted his head back, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to watch her without losing control. As it was, his knees were trembling, his hands shaking and his tenuous grasp on gravity starting to betray him.

Joey carefully wrapped her hand around the base of Pacey’s cock, her thumb brushing the rough hair that covered his balls as her mouth moved over him. She varied the suction, listening to what made him react, what he liked, feeling his body respond to her touch.

Pacey’s hips began moving as Joey fell into a rhythm, meeting her mouth with a slow, steady thrust. He still clutched the curtains for support, not wanting to overwhelm her, not wanting to lose control just yet. Joey’s free hand moved around, caressing the skin above where his jeans hung loosely on his hips, pushing them toward the ground to allow her to touch him more freely.

The phone rang again. Both ignored it, not wanting to ruin the moment as it continued to build to its inevitable conclusion. Joey’s mouth tightened around him, the suction focused now on the sensitive tip, her tongue pressing hard to the vein along the underside of his cock, keeping him in control.

“Pacey?” The machine kicked off and Jen’s voice filled the room. “It’s Jen. Look, all hell’s broke loose here at the Leery’s earlier, and I’m a little worried. Dawson and Joey had a huge blow-up, which you’ll be happy to know, was completely about you. I thought she might head over there, so I thought I’d warn you. She’s pretty pissed off, and rightfully so. You know Joey, she has this tendency to do rash things when she’s upset, so…Oh. Herr director is calling me over. When you see her, tell her she’s lucky she got out of this alive.”

Pacey’s thrusts slowed until they stopped. He forced himself to look down at Joey who was pulling away from him. She refused to meet his eyes and he sighed, forcing his aching erection back into his boxers and refastening his pants. He held a hand down to her. “C’mon.”

She got to her feet without his help, still avoiding his gaze, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears that glistened on her eyelashes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s something I’m getting used to.” He managed a smile more for his own benefit than hers. “Look…”

“This isn’t about Dawson.” She finally found his eyes and held them. “That wasn’t about Dawson. I swear it.”

“But whatever it was, right now, it’s about Dawson.” Pacey shrugged. “And I won’t let it be.”

“Right. That’s why we’ve spent the last three months apart.” Joey shrugged sadly and turned away from him. “And why that’s not going to change.”

“Joey…”

“No. It’s okay. I understand. You can’t love me if you don’t trust me. And I haven’t given you much reason to do either.” She got to the front door and looked back at him, memorizing the way he looked. Disheveled, frustrated and hungry for her. The tears she’d been holding back threatening still. “Bye, Pacey.”

“Joey…”

“I’ll see you in school.”

Fuck.

Everything was going so well until, once again, Dawson entered the picture. Why did Jen have to call? Why did she feel the need to warn me? I mean, if Joey had come over here right after the whole confrontation and attacked me, it would have been a fair warning.

Instead it ruined everything we’ve managed to get right the past two days. I’m absolutely positive that, when she walked into my house today, Joey didn’t have a single thought of Dawson in her mind. That’s what I’m supposed to be able to do. I’m supposed to be able to take the things that upset her or anger her and make them not matter.

And that’s what I did. Until Jen’s phone call put Dawson firmly right back in the room with us.

Maybe it’s foolish to think that he can ever be anywhere else. I mean, he’s been a huge part of both our lives and a huge influence on us both. Maybe I’m dreaming if I think I can pretend he never happened. Not that I doubt that Joey loved him once. Not that Dawson’s influence didn’t help make her the person she is, the person I love.

But, call me crazy, I don’t want him in her head when she’s going down on me.

Thankfully she stopped. I don’t think I would have had the strength to push her away and I sure as hell don’t want that particular experience tainted any more by Dawson’s presence. Jesus! He’s been out of our lives for almost six months now. He’s been on the periphery and yet it seems like every important fucking occasion – no pun intended – he’s right there.

Maybe I should just tell Joey to go to him and get the damn thing over with. Fuck him senseless and then come back to me when he’s out of her system. When she’s out of his. Yeah. Because I’m strong enough to do that and wouldn’t harbor any murderous thoughts toward Dawson while he was fucking the woman I love.

So, that leaves Plan B.

I just wish I knew what the fuck that was.

Joey sank onto her bed and grabbed her pillow, burying her face in it before she finally let the tears come. She didn’t make any acknowledgement as she heard her bedroom door open and close or when she felt someone sit next to her on the bed.

“You want to talk?”

She blinked rapidly, forcing the tears back, as she looked up at Bodie. “There’s not much to talk about. Well, other than the fact that I’ve managed to screw up my life considerably in the last three months.”

“Really? See, I’ve thought you looked pretty happy. You’ve been hanging out with Pacey and, while it’s not everything you wanted from him, you guys seemed like you were having fun.”

“Yeah. That part was good. Of course, it would have been better if I’d never screwed things up in the first place.”

“Sex has a tendency to do that.” Bodie leaned back against the headboard and stretched his legs out along the length of the bed. “Even when you’re not having it.”

“Is this the ‘When Harry Met Sally’ moment where you tell me that men and women can’t be friends without sex getting in the way?”

“Something like that.” He chuckled and put his arm around her. “It’s tough to be friends when you want someone. But it’s also hard to realize that your thoughts and beliefs and ideas have changed. It took a lot for you to realize that you didn’t hate Pacey. It took a long time to realize that you loved him enough to risk everything for him. And, as long as it takes to realize you love someone, sometimes it takes even longer to realize that you’re not in love with someone else.”

“And now we’re on what Pacey is certain is my favorite subject.”

“You’re always going to love Dawson, Joey.” Bodie shrugged. “It’s a fact of life. You’ve always got a soft spot in your heart for your first love, your first crush, your first kiss. Those firsts are important and they affect the way you are the rest of your life. But first doesn’t mean only. Doesn’t mean last. It just means first.”

“Everyone seems to think that Dawson and I are meant to be together. Hell, I even thought it for the longest time.”

“Everyone wants romance. And having two best friends fall in love and all that is the stuff of every romantic novel. Ask your sister, she’s got a million of them.” They both laughed for a moment until Bodie sobered up. “But there are a lot of romances out there about people who think they hate each other and drive each other mad with annoyance before they realize that they’re in love and perfect for each other.”

“I think I’d like a few of those right now.”

“But you know something else, Jo?”

She looked up at him, trying to smile through the tears that wouldn’t seem to stop falling. “What?”

“Those loves don’t always last forever either. You’re seventeen, almost eighteen. And you’re going to have a million experiences and fall in love hundreds of times. Sometimes it’ll mean something and other times it won’t mean a thing. But you’ll do it. Hell, I do it. I just made a choice and I’m thrilled with it.”

“You fall in love?”

“At least five times a month,” he assured her. “Three of those times are with Bessie, all over again. The fourth is usually some beautiful woman I see walk by and I wonder.”

“And the fifth?”

“The fifth time I see this beautiful stranger walk by and I go up to her and I tell her I love her.”

“You do?” Joey’s eyes widened.

“Yup. And I just fall in love with your sister for the first time. Every time.”

Joey grinned and wiped away her tears. “You’re such a sap.”

“Oh yeah. Why the hell else would I subject myself to you crazy Potter women?” Bodie got off the bed and kissed the top of Joey’s head. “As for Pacey…well, if it’s supposed to happen, it will. Romance novels be damned.”

“It’s not going to.” She shrugged and sighed. “A relationship can only take Dawson getting between the two principles so many times before it falls apart irrevocably. I think I’ve pushed Pacey past the point of Dawson-endurance.”

“He might surprise you.”

“No. He won’t. And I don’t blame him.”

I wonder what it will be like being a virgin for the rest of my life. Not that I really think that’s likely to happen. Surely there’s going to be someone out there who would happily deflower me just to get the whole damn thing over. But it feels that way. I mean, every time I offer myself up on a platter to a man I love, they seem to turn me down.

Dawson didn’t want me…at least as long as he could have me. And Pacey doesn’t want me so long as he thinks I want Dawson. And I’m right back where I was three months ago with Pacey sure that Dawson’s on my mind.

My life is destined to be a soap opera revolving around two men. I’ve decided that. Sure, every once in a while there’s someone new just for variety, but something tragic always happens. Anderson was out of my league, Jack’s gay, AJ was in love with someone else. Who’s next on the path, I wonder? A priest? Someone dying of an illness? A man in the midst of getting a sex change operation so that he can be a lesbian? And where will I spiral to after that?

Jesus, I’m depressing.

I’m just going to have to decide to live life without loving Pacey. Or at least without Pacey loving me. At least there’s still the hope that we can be friends. If there’s one thing I’ve gotten out of all of this, it’s that Pacey and I actually make almost as good of friends as we do enemies.

I just wonder what I’m supposed to do about wanting him so much. How I’m going to handle those accidental, casual touches. I wonder how I'm going to keep myself from instigating all those supposedly accidental, casual touches.

How am I supposed to do this? It was easy living with my crush on Dawson. He was oblivious and I was infatuated. But I love Pacey. He knows I love him, even if he doesn’t believe it. And I know he loved me.

I just wish he still did.