Of course, if you want to get technical, I promised it to Willow long before I ever took those wedding vows.

Which is why I’m sitting here alone in this bar. Alone because I can’t be with the woman I made that vow to anymore. It’s not that I don’t love her anymore. I do.

It’s just that, more and more, as I spend time with her, I realize that I’ve never stopped loving Willow.

Which is the other reason I’m sitting here alone. She’s in town this week and I haven’t seen her since she graduated from college and moved away.

Things were…bad between us when she left. And they’ve never had an opportunity to get better. The only person she’s kept in contact with is Giles and that was only a card every now and then, never with a return address.

He did have an address at one point, but the wedding invitation that I practically begged him to mail came back return to sender.

That hurt the most. Willow and I were supposed to share all the big stuff. Best friends forever.

Yet she wasn’t at my wedding. She’s never seen that I’ve gone from being village idiot to someone with his act pretty close to together.

But none of that really explains why I’m here, alone, in this bar.

Or maybe it does, when you throw in the fact that last night – well, this morning at 2 am, out of the blue, my phone rang.

And it was Willow.

“Hello?” I’d been asleep for an hour, having collapsed after defeating the latest uninvited visitor to Sunnydale. I hadn’t even had the energy to shower, so I’d dropped onto the couch. When the phone rang I’d grabbed it, more than half asleep.

“Xander?”

That woke me up. I’d know that voice anywhere. I don’t care that it might be deeper, older, more weathered. It was Willow. And she’s too deeply ingrained in me to not know her. “Wills?”

She let loose a soft, sad chuckle. “I was afraid you wouldn’t know.”

“I’ll always know.” We were both silent until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Wills?”

The chuckle turned into a sob, just as soft, just as sad. “Xan? I…I just wanted to warn you that…that I’m coming to Sunnydale for a few days. I needed to…I can’t see you, any of you, but I wanted to warn you in case we ran into…”

“Why can’t you see us? We’re your friends.”

“No Xander, you’re my past.”

“And that means that…?”

“Xander, I can’t. You’ll have to respect it. Live with it.” Her voice took on a hard edge and, for a second, I wondered what had happened in her life, what had given her that and, maybe more than anything else, why she had called.

“Okay Wills, you’re coming to town. If we see you, we’ll cross to the other side of the street.”

“That’s not…”

“Although I have to wonder why you’re coming back at all.”

The phone died as she hung up and I got up off the couch. Stopping by the bedroom, I checked to see that my wife was still asleep, then made my way to the bathroom.

She’s used to late night phone calls that risk my life. This is the first time one has risked my heart.

Tossing my clothes in the hamper, I stood in the shower, letting the hot water pound down on me. I’m not sure when the tears started. I didn’t even know that I still knew how to cry.

I didn’t tell anyone about the call. I couldn’t tell Giles or Buffy. The words wouldn’t come. Besides, I didn’t know when or why she was coming.

But today, as I walked out to my car on my lunch break, I saw her.

She was climbing out of a cab in front of one of the restaurants that Cordelia’s family used to frequent, laughing and talking with the group she was with.

She glanced in my direction and her smile disappeared. Shadows darkened her eyes and she looked haunted.

I tore my eyes away from her, turned around, walked back inside, told my boss I was sick and came straight here.

Willie’s bar is pretty quiet during the day, so I’ve been pretty much left alone with my sorrows and the bottle of tequila, which is exactly what I want.

“Thought I might find you here.”

I’m only ¾ of the way through the bottle. Not drunk enough to be hallucinating, and not nearly drunk enough to handle the reality of the situation. Tossing back another shot, I turn to face her. “I thought we were supposed to pretend.”

She nods and sits next to me. “We were.”

“So then why are you here?”

“I saw you.”

“Close your eyes. I’ll go away.”

I can’t look at her, but I can see her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. “No. You’re there too.” Her hand reaches over and takes mine. Every nerve ending in my body is focused on the warmth of her hand on mine, the tip of her finger running over my wedding ring. “Who’s the lucky girl?”

“You wouldn’t know her.”

“What’s her name?”

Finally, I look at her, knowing it will be my downfall. “Why does it matter?”

Her hand leaves mine and she raises it up to touch my lips. My breath catches and I shiver, just from her touch. “Because I need to know whose heart we’ll be breaking.”

She stands then and walks away from me. Everything inside me knows that I need to stay right where I am.

Just like everything inside me knows I’ll be walking out that door.

Tossing a few bills on the bar, I slip off the stool and follow her outside. It seems strange that it’s still daylight. Somehow I always thought that stuff like this only happened at night.

She stands there, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. As soon as she sees me, she smiles and for a minute, I see my Willow in her face.

“So,” I’m still feeling the effects of the tequila, feel it give me courage. Maybe that’s why my parents drank so much. “What now?”

She holds up a key. “I would ask your place or mine, but I think I already know the answer.”

I take the key from her and stare at it for a long time. “I’ve missed you, Willow.”

Her eyes widen and she moves closer to me. My eyes search out the little things – the surface things – that made me love her…make me love her.

Her left eye is smaller than her right, shaped slightly different. The skin of her lower lip is always slightly pinker, uneven from her nervous habit of biting it.

She moves even closer, until she’s practically in my arms. This is my last chance, and we both know it. At this moment, I can walk away like I should, like I promised on my wedding day.

Or I can fulfill the promise I made a lifetime before that.

It’s a simple decision really, I don’t have to think to know what’s right and what’s wrong. And, since I heard her voice on the phone, I don’t have to think to know what my answer is.

What my answer always has been; what it always will be.

I unlock the door and walk inside the dark room, my heart pounding. I turn and watch Willow as she leaves the sunny day behind and steps into the shadows with me. Shutting the door behind us both, I close the world outside and stand there, unsure of what to do.

“Would you believe that I’ve been waiting for this all my life, Xander?”

“I’m so glad that there’s no pressure.” I reach out and touch her face, needing to feel her skin since I can barely see her. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to start obsessing about this, wondering if I’m going to live up to your expectations and…”

Her lips are on mine before I can finish my sentence and it’s just like I remember. They’re soft and tender, warm and pliant even as they’re being demanding and needy. There’s a heat between us that’s been there since that first kiss and never quite dissipated, and I feel it now, building in the kiss. Maybe it’s the illicit thrill; maybe it’s nothing more than the fact that we love each other.

All I know is that it’s setting me on fire and all rational thought, what little I had left, has gone now. All I can see, breathe and believe in is Willow.

Breaking the kiss, I step back and take a shuddering breath. My knees are shaking, my hands are trembling. I feel like I’ve just stepped off a plane and the parachute won’t open. “Willow…”

She presses a finger to my lips to quiet me, shaking her head, even though she must know that I can barely see her movements. I stop talking; concentrating instead on swallowing and managing to remain upright as her hand traces a path down my chin to my chest.

I don’t know when she unbuttoned the first button. It’s all something of a blur. I don’t remember my hands reaching out for her, grasping her hips and pulling her closer, but I know the feel of her. I let my hands drift up her hips and slide them under her shirt, feeling the heat of her skin. She makes a soft sound in response, moving closer so that she’s pressed even tighter against me. My shirt is hanging open and I can feel the hard press of her nipples rubbing my skin through the thin material of her blouse.

Unable to help myself, I step back and take in huge gasps of air. I need the distance between us. I can’t feel her like this. I can’t want her like this. “I…I can’t…”

She doesn’t say anything, just stands there, her hands at her sides. I can’t see her eyes, but I know their green depths and I know the pain is there, as clearly as if the sun were shining down on us.

“It’s not that I don’t…”

“Yes. I think it is.” She moves a step away and it feels like my heart is going with her. How is it that I woman I haven’t seen in years can take my heart away from me in less than a half an hour? How can it be that I’m losing myself in her already? “I’m sorry, Xander. I don’t know what I was…you should go. I mean, you have a wife and…all of that to go home to.”

“You could have all that Willow. We’re still your friends. We haven’t left you, forgotten you.” I step closer, wanting to comfort her. “We still love you.”

She pulls away from my touch, jerking her head out of my reach. “You need to go, Xander.”

“Willow.”

“Now.” She walks to the door, her back straight. Pride is holding her together, but I’ve known her too long not to know that she’s crumbling inside. I want to help her. I want to make everything better in a way that I was never able to in high school. I want to keep her safe from all the pain that haunted us every day of our teenage lives.

Instead, I turn her around and pin her to the door with another kiss, hotter and more passionate than any kiss I’ve ever shared with anyone. My hands are tangled in her hair, moving her head so that I have the best access to her mouth, so that I can pillage it, take everything I want from her.

My body is tight against hers, feeling her arousal, assaulting her with mine. One of my legs slips between hers and she grinds down onto it, whimpering softly against my lips. I hold her against the door, not caring anymore.

She pushes me away, wiping her mouth as she advances toward me. I back up, not afraid, but hungry. I feel the need escalating between us and I know that tonight, whatever it is, is going to be about passion and taking and wanting and having and sating the need we’ve been ignoring for too long. Feeling the bed against the back of my legs, I reach forward and grab Willow’s hands. Pulling her hard against me, I let us both tumble backwards.

We fall in a tangle; body parts intermingled, melting into one another. I feel her hands as she fumbles with my belt and zipper, rushing to get me out of my slacks. My shirt had hit the floor before we hit the bed, so her mouth is hot on my skin as she kisses my chest, her tongue darting out to torment my nipples and tangle in my chest hair.

I moan low and deep, my own hands pushing at the waistband of her skirt, needing to feel skin. She wriggles and I can feel the material move down her skin, followed by my eager hands. She dispenses with my slacks and we roll apart, shedding clothes as we do. I kick my slacks and boxers to the floor then move back to her, helping tug her blouse off of her as she strips off the rest of her clothes.

Naked now, she faces me and I can almost see her in the shadows. I lick my lips, apprehension like a living thing coiled in my stomach. A slow smile dances across her lips and she leans in. Her tongue darts out and licks my lips, parting them. I stay there, not moving, my breath slipping through my open mouth, mingling with hers.

With a quick movement, she pushes me onto my back and pins me there, her hands on my shoulders. I shiver as she straddles me, the heat of her brushing along the length of my erection. It strains up toward her, seeking out what is just out of reach. I place a gentle hand on her hip as she raises herself onto her knees. Inching forward, she lets the tip of my cock graze the swollen skin until she’s hovering over me.

Her quiet sigh fills the silent room as she sinks down, easing me inside her, piercing her body with mine. I close my eyes, letting the sensations wash over me. I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long and yet the reality of it is so much better than anything I ever imagined. I didn’t think that was supposed to happen. I thought that it was supposed to pale in comparison so that I would realize that what I’m doing is wrong and never want to do it again.

Instead I rest my hands lightly on her hips and, with a soft thrust, urge Willow to drive me further into her, further away from the rest of my life. She responds like I knew she would, like I’ve always known she would. We know each other inside out, what feels good, what we need. My hands hold her lightly, she moves gracefully above me. I can gauge how close she is as I feel her body clenching around mine. I’m trapped inside her, trapped loving her. Nothing has ever succeeded in replacing her in my heart or in my life.

And as sweet as it is, as amazing as feeling Willow wrapped around me is, I know that in just a few minutes it’s all going to be over and she’s going to leave Sunnydale again and I’ll be nothing more than a memory. Maybe now I’ll be less than that, having fulfilled our unfinished business.

I stop thinking as her knees press into my thighs and she sinks down further than before, her whole body shaking. I move my hands up her waist and cup her breasts, kneading them gently as her body convulses with pleasure. So tight and so warm, so deep inside the woman I love. I close my eyes and lose control myself, struggling not to think, struggling to make it last.

It’s over far too soon, even though it lasted for what seemed like an eternity. I help Willow lay down beside me, letting her rest her head on my shoulder. I brush the damp hair back off her forehead with a lazy hand and stare up at the ceiling. “Willow?”

“Xander.” There’s a soft lilt of laughter in her voice and I know she knows what I want to say and can’t find the words for. It’s all there in one little word. How is it that she can know me so well after not knowing me for so long?

“I should…I need to get home.”

“I know.” She pulls out of my embrace slowly, so that I know that she’s not mad about the truth of our lives. “And I need to be moving on.”

“You could stay.”

“No. Not before and certainly not now.” She turns just a bit and looks down at me. “We’ve both got real lives Xander, and you and I were never real life. We were fantasy and insanity and stolen moments. That’s what we’re good at.” Her shoulders lift in a slight shrug that I feel more than see. “You have a wife and I…there’s someone that I love too.”

“I know. I just…well, I miss my friend.”

“She misses you too, Xander.”

I get up and go into the bathroom. Cleaning myself up quickly, I pull on my clothes, making sure that I don’t have any telltale signs of infidelity. I look in the mirror and want to laugh. There are no lipstick marks, no hickeys, no auburn hairs on my collar, but my eyes are different. Wiser. Sadder. Lonelier. Missing her.

I open the door and watch her for a second in the harsh light. She’s beautiful now, a gorgeous woman, but in this instant, she’s my best friend from high school that I finally saw one day and fell head over heels for. “I’m…I’m going to go.”

“All right.” She has the covers pulled up to her chin and she’s smiling at me. I want to kiss her again, but I know that if I do, I won’t leave for a long time…maybe never.

“Bye, Wills.” I turn the knob and open the door. Looking back, I meet her eyes. “Her name…her name is Tracy.”

She nods and smiles as I shut the door. Leaning back on it, I have to struggle to stifle the sob that threatens to escape. In the heavy silence, I hear her voice tell me everything I want to hear, and exactly what I don’t want her to say.

“His name is Xander.”