The rule was: If you needed Sirius to shut up, you asked Lupin to pull out his cock.

No one knew how it started and, to be honest, no one would actually tell if they did. Telling would mean something along the lines of listening at drawn bed curtains and wanking off which no one wanted to own up to, even if James knew Peter was on the other side of the bed doing the same thing and vice versa. Even though they both professed to have no interest in the same sex ("I've been chasing Evans's skirt for years!" James would always protest, only to be countered by Sirius suggesting, "Only because you want to wear it"), Sirius and Remus having sex was full of lustful moans and whispered words that were enough to ignite any combustible gasses that happened to be lurking. They knew this for a fact, but managed to come up with a decent cover story when everyone asked why they all had no eyebrows.

Their planning sessions tended to get out of hand, Sirius rambling and babbling, plotting more and more intricate ways to show Snape's underwear to the girls, which brought up several questions, mostly from Remus, as to what Sirius's fascination with Snape's underwear was, but, more importantly began the noble tradition of trying to Shut. Sirius. Up.

Peter tried hexes. James attempted to stuff 15 chocolate frogs in Sirius's mouth, but he kept talking, spitting bits of chocolate all over James in the process. They tried everything, but the sheer force of his need to be the center of attention won out every time until Peter, in one of his few bright moments, looked at Remus and told him to pull out his wanker.

Remus spluttered and told Peter where exactly he could get off, without Remus's cock, thank you very much, when they all realized that Sirius had stopped talking and was looking very expectantly at Remus.

"You're going to die a slow, horrible death, Peter," Remus assured him, ignoring Sirius's pointed look. "And, I think, I shall be witness to it."

"Whatever, it'll shut him up and we can all get some sleep."

"Except me!"

"Oh, as if he's not going to be doing exactly what he'd be doing anyway," Peter reminded him. "And if you just do it now, we can finish this up. I've still got potions homework, you know."

So Remus had undone his flies and Sirius had knelt before him and James and Peter had continued the discussion, not even noticing the fact that the most Remus contributed to the conversation from that point on was a very hushed, very emphatic, "Oh, fuck, Sirius," that really added nothing to the plan at all.

It got to be tradition, almost to the point where Remus's cock was already on the table before Sirius even opened his mouth to speak. His eyes would flash with annoyance and he'd try to resist, but Remus's hand would stroke the shaft just a little bit and Sirius would groan his acquiescence and James and Peter would plot on without them. It got to the point that Remus could almost participate, so long as one could decipher what he was saying between the pleas and moans as Sirius's technique grew more refined and well tuned to what Remus liked.

The benefit of it all was that James and Peter stopped listening at the bed curtains every night, simply because they'd heard it all, though they did both pause the night they realized that Remus and Sirius were actually having sex because it was almost beyond their realm of imagination.

And so it went and so it passed and things continued apace until Lily Evans finally capitulated to James's charms and he brought her home one night to the dorm and introduced her around as if they all hadn't been going to school with her for years.

"I've met them all before, Potter, you git."

"Yes, but never as my girlfriend."

"Let's not be hasty with name calling." She glanced at the table where Sirius, Peter and Remus were all sitting, carefully not looking at a folded piece of blank parchment. "What's that?"

"It's a m…"

"Jesus bloody Christ, James!" Sirius stood up, anger flashing in his eyes. His resentment of Lily's presence was echoed in the line of his body and he opened his mouth to say more when James cleared his throat and looked very pointedly at Remus.

"No."

James implored Remus with his eyes as Sirius looked in Remus's direction, his gaze darting down to his pants and then up again, grinning in triumph. "Oh, no, Potter. You're not about to shut me up on this one. I'm not going to see you ruin your life going after some stupid bint! She's just going to try and make you some sort of upright citizen and I'll be having none of it. So just don't even…" His tirade was cut off by the rustle of fabric and he groaned, turning almost against his will to face Remus who was very deliberately not looking anywhere but at his penis which, embarrassed enough for the both of them, was cowering just inside his open flies.

"Ah, Moony," Sirius pleaded, turning and walking over to the table, kneeling in front of Remus. His face was crumpled in an elegant frown as his hand wrapped around Remus's cock, stroking it slowly. The entire room quivered with silence until Sirius's eyes closed, his body relaxed and he bowed his head, taking Remus in his mouth.

"Do I want to know what's going on?" Lily whispered in the thick air.

James shook his head and took her hand, heading for the door and shooting a look of thanks to Remus who ignored him, his hand stroking Sirius's hair as he closed his eyes. "Peter, go away."

"I don't have…" he blinked rapidly at Remus's look and nodded. "Er, right."

It all would have remained a secret as well, as Lily wasn't one to talk, especially since she knew very well that no one would believe her, since both Remus and Sirius had made their way through a significant number of Hogwarts girls and, from all accounts, left none of them regretting the experience.

But, as all good things do, it came to an end. A particularly, stunningly, horrifically crashing end.

In Transfiguration.

They were preparing for O.W.L.s with a written test and McGonagall was sitting at the front of the room looking her beautifully stern self, trying very hard not to smile at Remus every time he looked at her. He'd finished already and was sitting at the desk, waiting for the hourglass on the desk to spend itself. Sirius was a desk behind him; sitting next to Alise McPhereson, chatting her up in what he mistakenly thought was a charming manner. Surprising no one, she was having none of it, though she did make a valiant effort to ignore him. However, with time winding down and the sand slipping through the glass, she finally heaved a sigh and, despite the sudden assurance that Remus had of what she was going to say and the sudden desperate wish he had that she not say the words, she slapped her desk, turned to Sirius and asked him, very loudly, to shut up.

The rest, to hear James recount it, was pure hilarity, but all that Remus ever remembers is Sirius on his knees in front of him and sliding his zipper down, his pants falling to the floor and trying very, very hard to will his erection away as McGonagall stood over him, asking if he really thought this was the best way to demonstrate a conditioned response.

James, he remembers clearly, was rolling on the floor laughing, Peter was hiding under his desk and Sirius, a true heir to the Noble House of Black, was licking his lips in eager anticipation. Death, Remus decided, would be better than this, though he wasn't sure what really would be worse.

And then Dumbledore walked in.

"Why hello, Mr. Lupin."

"Headmaster." His voice broke as if he was a second year and he flushed the color of his engorged cock, rather wondering where all the blood was coming from.

"Well." Dumbledore waved his wand and Remus was clothed and Sirius was back in his seat and the hourglass was frozen. "I dare say that's something I don't want to have to explain to the parents this summer."

"I apologize, Professor."

"Oh, don't be silly, my boy." Dumbledore put an arm around him and guided him up to McGonagall's desk, picking up the hourglass with ancient fingers. "However, you may wish to consider that Pavlov himself was just as much a slave to the bell." He tapped Remus on the nose and turned the hourglass sideways, adjusting the amount of sand on either side. "And perhaps you'd best find a new way of silencing Mr. Black?"

"Yes, sir." Remus smiled gratefully as Dumbledore turned the hourglass back and Remus was in his seat and Alise McPhereson was telling Sirius to just shut up and he sat there and gripped the edge of his desk until his fingers turned white. Then the time buzzer rang and they all got to their feet and churned from the room.

They fell in step together and they made their way back to the tower, all of them strangely silent.