Remus closed his eyes quickly and jerked the scratchy, gray blanket over his head. Sunlight poured into the room like liquid gold and he groaned, tucking the blanket around every inch of him, hiding from the light, the heat, the sharp stabbing pain.

"C'mon, Moony." Sirius's toe touched him, nudging him gently in the ribs. "Up and at 'em."

"Sod off."

"C'mon. The sun's up. It's a lovely day for us to kick Slytherin's rotting arse in Quidditch. Get up, get dressed and we'll sneak you back in to take a shower."

Remus made the mistake of inhaling and retched, the scent of blood thick in the room. "What…?" He croaked.

"Rabbit. Found bits of it scattered all over downstairs. I've cleaned it up."

Remus rubbed his lips, the movement disturbing the blanket and exposing his calf. "Taste blood."

"I know."

He could sense Sirius squatting beside him, pushing a plate of something closer. The odor of bread and mint nearly made him gag again. "Get it away."

"You'll need the bread after you vomit. And you're going to want to brush your teeth." Sirius backed away.

"I'm not going to…" Suddenly, flashes of the night hit him as they always did, the scent and taste of raw meat on his tongue, the sound of his teeth tearing through flesh. He gagged again and lurched to his feet, managing to make it to the washstand in time. He hunched over the porcelain until his stomach emptied, nothing left but acid to stain the bowl. Without comment, Sirius handed him a glass of water and he drank it down, slumping against the wall.

"I brought you clean clothes."

"Thank you."

Sirius nodded, trying very hard not to watch Remus as he stood still, leaning against the worn wood, his naked body shivering despite the heat fused through the room. He averted his eyes as Remus lifted his head. "You want the bread now?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Their conversation was strained and hard, every word grudging. The day before, when James had admitted he had plans for the morning and Peter reminded them all he was serving detention with Filch, Remus and Sirius had looked at each other, neither saying a word. James had finally blown up and told them they needed to just deal with each other, even if they didn't like each other anymore, that he was tired of trying to mediate between them and they just had to make arrangements between themselves.

Sirius handed the bread to him, careful not to touch Remus's hand. "James left as soon as you fell asleep."

"I assumed as much."

"Look, Remus…"

"I don't want to talk about it, Sirius."

"I know. But I need you to listen." His voice changed. "Please?" Remus sighed and finished the hunk of bread, chewing methodically, his eyes gray in the sunlight. When he didn't respond, Sirius nodded and took a deep breath. "I made a huge mistake. And not just because it didn't have the desired effect. It was a mistake because I took advantage of you. I thought of the ends and not the means. I…I used you, Moony, and I never meant to do that. I never wanted to do that. I was, I'm horribly ashamed to admit, acting very much like a Black is supposed to act. Thinking nothing of anyone but myself."

"You used me like a weapon, Sirius."

"I know."

"You tried to make me a murderer."

"I didn't think."

"You never think."

Sirius inhaled sharply and held his breath, releasing it finally in a thin, sad sigh. "I know."

"You keep telling me that I'm more than what I become once a month, Sirius." Remus's voice was soft and sad, dangerously quiet. "You convinced me of that, you know." Happiness lit Sirius's eyes. "And then you destroyed it. How can I be anything more? How can I be a man when all you see is the wolf?"

"That's not what I see, Remus. I swear it." Sirius took a step forward, stopping as Remus raised his eyes. "I couldn't have…we wouldn't have. Not if I thought all you were was a wolf. I…you're smart. Smarter than the rest of us. And witty and amusing and sexy and all the damn girls in Gryffindor and Ravenclaw want to shag you."

"And the only person I wanted to shag was you."

"I didn't…"

"You could have just turned me down, Sirius." Remus straightened and moved past him, gathering up the blanket. Sirius turned, following him with his eyes. "I would have rather had a simple no."

"I didn't want to turn you down, Remus." Sirius swallowed hard and took a step forward, still keeping his distance. "You told me to think about it and I did. I have. It's all I've bloody thought about since that damn moment in the hallway."

Remus dropped the blanket on the bed and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Sometimes, when it's getting closer, I lose control. I get to the point where my blood throbs so hard and hot that I can't think beyond what I want and need." He laughed once, bitterly. "Given the circumstances, I think I've got more than ample reason to make sure I never lose it again."

"I can't take it back, Remus."

"No. You never can."

Sirius looked up at the ceiling, surprised by the bitter sting of tears in his eyes. He rubbed at them angrily with his thumb and forefinger. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this. And fuck you." He grabbed his robe from where he'd laid it on the bed and started for the door. "I've said I'm sorry. I've said everything, done everything I can. I fucked up, Remus. I fucked it all up and I've never been more sorry about anything in my entire life." He stopped at the door, slamming his hand against the wall. "James is my best friend and if I never saw him again it wouldn't hurt me as much as you're hurting me now, you stupid, sodding bastard."

"Sirius."

"No!" He turned, rounding on Remus, stalking toward him. "I've listened and I've wallowed in this guilt for long enough. I wasn't thinking. I don't think. I was just having a laugh at someone else's expense and you know what? It's fucking destroyed my life." He grabbed Remus's shoulders and jerked him toward him. "I need you in my life, Moony. I…fuck." He pulled Remus closer, kissing him hard, lips and teeth pressed together, grinding in desperation.

Remus caught hold of Sirius's arms and shoved him away, his eyes wild as he panted hard and fast. "What the bloody fuck was that?"

"I don't sodding know," Sirius's voice was a plaintive whine. "Jesus Christ, Moony, what the fuck do I know about anything, much less how I feel about you. I've spent these past three months wondering what I have to do and say to make you look at me like you used to. You have to tell me what to do, Remus." He licked his lips and reached out, his fingers shaking as they touched Remus's cheek. His voice broke. "Please?"

Remus stepped back, swallowing hard and shaking his head. "You can't do this, Sirius. You can't make it like this. It will not be like this."

"I've fucked it up, Remus." Sirius nodded. "I know I can't…we can't. I just…" He closed his eyes and pulled away, turned away and walked toward the grime-covered window. "I've been in love with you, you know that? I hadn't a clue until that day. That stupid, sodding, fucking…" He shook his head violently, his dark black hair fanning out around his head. "I'm sorry. I think as long as you know that, I can get on. I can…I understand you can't forgive me, Remus. It's unforgivable, what I did. But I swear…"

"Solemnly swear?"

He turned slowly, uncertain and wary. "Please, Remus, if you'll just talk to me. Acknowledge me. I know that it's beyond repair, but I need to know that you don't hate me. I don't think I can live in a world where you hate me."

"I don't hate you."

Sirius closed his eyes at the whispered words, tucking them greedily away in his mind, his memory. He would replay them every day for the rest of his life, clinging to them.

Remus watched him, his own heart clutching in his chest. Naked relief flooded Sirius's drawn features, honest emotions playing over his face like sunlight on the lake. Joy and hope and something he didn't dare recognize, refused to believe. "It's not going to be easy," he managed to choke out, his own emotions threatening to escape, to splay themselves out again. Set him up to be hurt again. "It's not going to be like it was."

"It'll be better," Sirius promised him earnestly. "I'll be better." He moved to Remus and clutched his arm, looking for all the world like he'd transform just to wag his tail. "I promise you, Remus."

"Don't." Remus held a hand up, his fingers warm on Sirius's lips. "Don't promise."

"But…"

Remus shook his head and leaned in, his lips feather-light as they brushed over Sirius's, denying him the right to promise, promising everything in return. "Sirius. For once? Quit while you're ahead."

"Right." He nodded and stepped back, flushing as he seemed to realize for the first time that Remus was still naked. "Er…Quidditch?"

"Clothes."

"Right." He grinned and headed for the door. "Right."