Like I do now.

I mean, Angel…he’s got purpose. He’s got everything to live for…even thought he’s not livin’. He’s got a destiny. I don’t need the Powers That Be to tell me that much. It’s written all over him, all over his soul. Besides, I don’t think the man should have to die after everything he’s given up.

So I know it’s up to me.

And I know I need him out of the way, far enough that when he realizes what I’m plannin’ he won’t be able to stop me. So I play nice, agreeing with him about everything before I knock him to the ground a good twenty feet down. Far enough away that I’ll have enough time to do everything that’s needed doin’.

Maybe she knows. Maybe she realizes what I’m goin’ to do, but I don’t think so. I grab her, needing something sweet and innocent to send me off to me destiny. The kiss is as perfect as the first kiss can be, sweet and surprised, hard and intense. It’s not as perfect as a last kiss should be, there’s not enough memory and emotion behind it, but, considering my choices at this point, it’ll more than do the trick.

"Too bad we’ll never know if this," I morph into my demon aspect, needing the strength and speed it will give me. "Is a face you could have learned to love." I want to kiss her again, but I know time is running short. I can feel the light pulling me toward it. I can hear Angel frantically screaming my name.

I can hear my destiny calling.

I leap across, catching the giant doomsday machine, struggling for purchase, knowing I don’t have much time. The light, when it touches me, burns to my soul, searching for the humanity in me. I grasp the connecting wires, pulling with my fading strength. I feel my demon leave me, making me fully human, stripping away my supernatural powers.

Then I feel everything else start to go. I remember my crimes, however innocently they were committed. I remember Harry, so innocent when I married her. I remember every man I’ve ever cheated and every woman I’ve ever loved. I conveniently forget every debt I still owe.

I remember thanking the Powers That Be for the opportunity to atone for what I did…or didn’t do. I remember how it felt to help Angel the first time.

To be a hero.

And I remember that a hero dies only one time. And I realize, maybe I’ve never been the coward I always thought I was.

And then I stop remembering.

And then I’m gone.