First off, Daddy was on the phone almost the entire time. Business that was supposed to be left behind managed to find its way into his luggage. Mom was either lying in bed, complaining about her illnesses or lying in the sun, working the Chase magic on a cabana boy closer to my age than to hers.

So I spent the time shopping. I bought little trinkets and souvenirs that I briefly contemplated giving to my friends in Sunnydale. Then I threw them away, knowing that no matter what I got or what I spent, it wouldn't be enough. Besides, what good is giving a gift they don't care about?

The trip would have been a total loss, not to mention a popularity disaster, except we stopped off in Los Angeles on the way home. The latest fashions were adequate apology for neglect and self-involvement, I suppose. At least they will be as soon as Harmony, Aura and Blue see me when I get to school.

I've planned out this whole year. I will find a nice, older man to devote my attention to until the football team is set to go and I know whom the starting quarterback will be. Then Mr. senior but moody will fall by the wayside and I'll set myself up as the girl who must be cheerleader her sophomore year.

After that, high school will be a piece of cake. I'll be May Queen, homecoming queen and prom queen. After all, who at Sunnydale High could possibly challenge me?

The summer has dragged, for me at least. Xander and Jesse looked at me as though I've grown another head when I mentioned it last night. They definitely don't share my enthusiasm for reading, writing and 'rithmatic. But that's okay. There are a lot of things they don't share my enthusiasm for.

For example, Xander still doesn't seem to know that I'm a girl, even though I'm more than aware that he isn't.

Last night, we'd sat at the Bronze, watching a few people filter in as they returned from their summer vacations. Jesse had watched as Harmony walked in and nudged Xander in the ribs. "This year, we're not going to let the snobs keep us down, are we, my friend?"

"Nope. This year, Xander Harris is going to find himself a woman who can't resist him."

I hadn't had the heart or the courage to tell him she was right in front of his face.

"I…I was thinking this year I might…" I had blushed as they both turn their attention to me. They are my very best friends in the world, but they are both boys. And Xander…well, Xander I've been in love with since I met him. "I might start dating."

"Good for you, Wills." Xander smiled at me happily. "Of course, he'll have to pass our inspection."

I shook my head, pushing the thoughts of last night out of my head. We'd stayed at the Bronze until 10 then walked home together. Jesse's house was first and mine second. We'd made arrangements to meet at the benches in front of the school so we could present a united front.

It's ten minutes till the first bell of high school.

And I'm still sitting out here.

Alone.

I feel pretty stupid, all things considered. I mean, it's just Willow. There is no reason on earth I should be afraid to walk up to my best friend and start our high school years together just like we've done everything else.

But ever since last night, I haven't been able to get the thought of her dating out of my head. It's ridiculous, I know. I know full well that at some point in her life, Willow is going to find some great guy and start dating. I just never envisioned it being so soon. I was thinking more along the lines of when she was 30 or so.

But here she is, my best friend, talking about looking for a guy to date. Which would lead to hand holding, which would lead to kissing, which would lead to…whoa! I shake my head. My Willow doesn't do that sort of thing.

I wonder what kind of guy she would go for? Maybe I could set her up with Jesse, make him see her as something more than a friend. I thought about that last night after I got home, but something didn't seem right. Jesse may be my best guy friend, but I just don't think he's good enough for Willow.

I don't know who would be.

Well, I know one person I would trust with her.

Me.

But I also know I'm not good enough for her either.

I thought about it. I did. For half the night, I lay awake tossing and turning, wondering what it would be like to hold my best friend in my arms and kiss her. I wondered what it would be like to do all the things that I've only seen on TV and in the movies.

I wondered what it would be like to make love to Willow.

Then, after I got rid of a sudden problem, I promised myself I would never, could never let myself think of her that way again.

She's my best friend.

And because I gave into my thoughts last night, I'm scared to death to face her. I'm scared that my body will remember what I was thinking about and betray me. I scared that she'll somehow be able to read my mind like she seems to do so often.

And I'm scared because I'm afraid she feels the same way about me.

The front lawn of the school is crowded with students as I climb out of my father's car. I look around for my friends, knowing that I'm not likely to find them here. The fountain in the quad is where they'll be, where all the popular people are. I'm headed there soon, but before I go, I stand and survey the crowd. Sometimes the new people don't know where to go and you can get them while they're fresh.

I see someone that catches my interest right away. He's not the best dresser and his hair's too long, but from here I can see he has potential. Just needs a little help and he could be the next new thing.

He could be my next new thing.

He's leaning against a tree, staring up at the front doors. Kicking the trunk, he starts forward. I time my walk so that he'll be slightly in front of me. I want to see all of his attributes before I make face to face contact.

Very nice view.

I slow down as he does, not wanting to appear to anxious if anyone is watching. He seems to sigh and stops in front of the stone benches to talk to someone.

Annoyance fills me. Someone else must have gotten to him before I got back from the trip. I think that for all of ten seconds until I realize whom he's talking to.

Willow Rosenberg.

This should be fun.

"Hey." I smile as I see him approaching. He looks good, although just a little goofy. Not that I have room to talk. I can already hear the taunts of Cordelia and her cronies.

"Hey Wills." He smiles back at me and I can tell something's wrong.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing." He looks away from me, up to the swarms of kids entering the building. "Should we go?"

"I haven't seen Jesse yet."

"Right." He just stands there, staring at anything that isn't me.

"How come you're so late?" Visions of him meeting some other girl fill my head and I want to kick myself for asking the question. I've never understood why no other girls fall for him, although I'm secretly glad they don't. He's funny, he's sweet...he's everything.

Amy once told me that she thought the other girls just respected the fact that Xander belonged to me.

I wish that were true.

But I know how girls think. I know how I would be if another girl ever stole Xander from me.

Even though I know he'd go willingly.

I picture him with his arm draped casually over the shoulders of a nameless, faceless girl and it's like a punch in the stomach.

"You know me, Willow. I'm never on time for anything."

I nod and smile, trying to push the images out of my head. Xander will never see me that way. I can't think of anyone Xander would want to date less than me, other than Cordelia and her gang.

Surely even he wouldn't sink that low.

It's just as awkward as I imagined it would be. We're both stiff and tense as we stare at each other while waiting for Jesse. I can't believe I've ruined my friendship like this. Willow's friendship means everything to me and I've completely ruined it.

I don't know what could possibly make this right. I don't know what could make me forget the images that danced in my head all night.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

"Is she bothering you?" I place my hand on his broad shoulder, all the while wondering where he could have come from. And why he's taken so long to get here. Willow's eyes widen and she bites her bottom lip. She's got the shy innocent act down to an art, doesn't she? "Because if she is, I can have something done about that."

He shakes his head and I sigh. It's nice to know that he's got a soft spot for the less fortunate.

"I'm Cordelia. What's your name?" I step forward when he doesn't respond, wondering if I've made a mistake and there's something wrong with him. Perhaps Willow is more up his alley after all.

She steps forward and turns him at the same time and I catch my breath. Xander's face is perfectly straight as he faces her.

"Xander," he says softly.

And I can't help it. I laugh.

I watch as Cordelia runs off. She looked absolutely mortified, which does nothing for my ego. I laugh along with Willow though, both of us practically rolling on the ground. It is funny. The look on her face was priceless and I'll never forget it.

I'll get over the ego thing too, because for a moment someone as beautiful, sexy and popular as Cordelia Chase wanted me. And while I'd never want someone like her and she'd never want someone like me, it's nice to know I can catch their eye every once in a while.

And it's nice that, despite being our greatest enemy, Cordelia has gotten me past the awkward stage with Willow. She's my best friend again, instead of a girl.

And while that may not be the best thing for her, I think it's the right thing for both of us.

I stop in the bathroom to reapply my make up. My hands tremble, so I have to be extra careful.

I can't believe I just hit on Xander Harris.

I can't believe he grew up.

I can't believe I'm still thinking about him.

I shake my head and concentrate, distracted as my friends come in, their infectious conversation buoying my spirits.

I have to look on the bright side. Maybe I hit on Xander Harris, but at least no one other than Willow saw. If someone had…I shiver.

There really are fates worse than death.