Unfortunately, that took longer than any of us could have anticipated.

Gone, over six of the continents, looking for a single place to find peace and quiet. Even the mountains, which I tried, were too loud for me. The trees screamed at me whenever the sun set. The birds screeched in my ear as they flew past. The dirt shot recriminations at me whenever I walked on it. Too loud. I guess, in my way, I'm very connected to this planet and everything on it.

India was nice, for a little while. I felt incredibly peaceful while I was there, comforted. I've heard that it's a good place to go. And it was. But it wasn't my place to go. Not by a long shot. Ireland was almost as calming.

All of the places I went, I didn't find what I was looking for. And every time the full moon would come around, I battled with myself... Do I let myself become what I hate, let myself be what I know I am? I slowly learned how to control myself so that it wasn't the monster, the wolf, that took me places, but the hidden man - underneath the fur.

I didn't do this flawlessly. It took me almost a year of complete and total concentration to adjust. Finally I went to the desert. The aching, hot desert, where I was lonely and fulfilled at the same time, where I could be what I was and not worry about hurting myself by hurting others. It's really quite dazzling... The most brilliant sunsets came on nights that would be freezing, and the coldest fog brought the warmest colors when it faded.

That's how I learned to think of myself. I found out that the beauty took time, or to have beauty, there'd have to be sacrifices. Maybe I'm a better person because of this wolf that hides in my heart. Maybe not.

It doesn't matter now.

What really matters is that I'm back home. Not the home I claimed for so long, between nothing but sand and sea and sky, but the home that I grew up in, lived in...fell in love in. And time will only tell me what will happen.

It really wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to come back in one month, maybe two, beg her forgiveness, and never leave her again. That would have been the way I'd have chosen it. But I could feel something inside of me, all the time, pushing me farther away from her. So I let it push me.

And here I am, almost a year later.

Wondering what she's going to do when she sees me.

I know Willow still lives here. Or lives here again. I checked it out on the Internet-stalker-ish, maybe, but I like to think it's justified—and found out that she went to LA with Buffy as soon as school ended, sometime in May. Willow came back, Buffy didn’t, but I haven’t found anything resembling a death certificate or an new Slayer being called, so I’m guessing it wasn’t a horrible reason Willow came back again.

But I have to admit, I'm a little curious.

So, Willow’s back in Sunnydale. And I've been in town a week.

But nothing I told myself in the quiet of my Devon's apartment could have prepared me for seeing her again. Not a single thing.

Grocery shopping. Something I haven't done, not really, in a very long time. Done this aisle and that, pushing a cart, filling it to the brim with meats of every kind, and a couple of dairy products. You know, to keep myself balanced.

And then there was a crash.

While my stomach was growling, demanding to be fed with all of the raw meats I was staring at-- tonight was going to be the night before the full moon, and I needed to stock up-- I had let myself wander into some poor woman's shopping cart. Her cart was nearly full, and a bag of bread tumbled out and onto the floor.

I leaned down to get it, and heard her gasp.

It sounded familiar. It couldn't be, I told myself lamely. There was no chance it had happened this way, that it was her. I stood up.

And Willow stood there.

Mutely, I handed her the bread, and she took it with a dumbfounded look on her face. I couldn't stop staring. She was more beautiful than I had ever seen her, ever pictured her before.

She had let her hair grow natural, until it was a dark auburn, and it fell in silky waves down to her shoulders. Her eyes glimmered into mine, and I felt I could read everything she was feeling... But maybe that was only possible because I was feeling the same things. It couldn't have happened at a more inopportune time.

And yet it had.

"Hi," I said softly.

"Hi," she echoed. I felt her voice wash over me, and I closed my eyes in unadulterated pleasure, like an addict who had just been given a shot of morphine. When I opened my eyes, she wasn't looking at me anymore, but down into her basket.

Finally, she looked back up. She smiled awkwardly. "Well. I'm done... I think I'm going to go. It was nice seeing you."

I felt my heart stop, but I nodded. "Yeah."

She looked at me once more, and then turned and sprinted away, leaving her grocery's behind, in the aisle. I stared for a second before running after her. I tried calling her, but she kept running, away from the store... Away from me.

I caught her by the arm in the parking lot. "Willow," I said breathlessly.

Her cheeks were flushed, and she whipped around to look at me. The wind blew her hair wildly around her face, and her eyes were watery. "Hi. Again," she whispered.

"I didn't mean it to be like this," I tried to tell her.

Willow's eyes darted down, away from mine. Was it hurting her to look at me and remember?

I winced. Probably.

"How did you mean it to be?" she asked, her voice trembling.

I licked my lips, not knowing what to say. As much as I thought I had planned it, I really hadn't. I guess I had just hoped that... When I came back, when I saw her, I would know what to say, and that... What? She would fall into my arms and forgive my stupidity? What if she was with someone? What if she thought I was?

There were too many questions.

"I don't know," I breathed, letting go of her arm. She took a step back from me, and the silence fell again. I searched my mind for something to say. "So... How's... Everyone?"

She shrugged. "It's been a busy month for me, seeing people I wouldn't have expected to... People I haven't seen in a while... I was gone over the summer. But Giles is fine."

I had to swallow my surprise. "Oh? Are you and Giles a...Are you...?"

Willow laughed quickly, and then bit down on the sound as if it were a sin. "No. Not like that. He's just really the only one I've been in…steady contact with since.... The only one who... Cared enough, I guess," she finished bitterly.

"I care," I said quietly. When she ignored the comment, I went on as if I hadn't said it. "What about Buffy?"

Willow shrugged. "She’s in LA for a while," she said, and didn't elaborate. She didn't have to. It was about Angel and it probably wasn’t good, and it wasn’t my place to ask. It wasn't as if I had the right, or any claim on Willow's life now. It wasn't as if she was my girlfriend... Or wife.

"And...?" I left the question hanging, wanting to ask about Xander, but in the last minute deciding not to. "You?"

"I'm fine. I've been fine. It's been hard," she said, her voice cracking on the word, "But my life is getting better... I started school again this past week. Things are healing." I didn't know what she was referring to - me or someone else, but it didn't matter. I stared at her as she continued looking around at the sky. "A little lonely, but... What are you doing here, Oz?"

The question. The biggest question that I had no answer for. I swallowed hard, my brow tightening. Running my hand through my hair, I shrugged, and followed her eyes up to the sky. "It's a cold day for September, isn't it?"

She gave a quick, sharp laugh. "I seem to be having this conversation a lot lately," she muttered. Then she sighed. "Yeah. The rain has been coming down in sheets. Today is really the only reprieve we've had in the past week. ...What are you doing here, Oz?"

I looked at her, met her eyes. "I don't know," I replied honestly. "It didn't really occur to me that you'd hate the thought of seeing me again. I figured... Maybe... You'd hate me a little at first, and then we'd... Do something. I don't know. I can't explain what I thought," I admitted, defeated.

She nodded, and I noticed that her nose was turning red because of cold. I suddenly had the urge to see her in her Eskimo costume again, see her all bundled up and warm, the way she was when I first fell in love. When I first knew what it was that everyone was talking about; that feeling, that high, that total exhilaration of laying your eyes on the one person you're supposed to be with forever.

But I gave that up.

I sighed again. I couldn't even have a pleasant memory without recriminations.

Willow bit her lower lip. "I don't hate seeing you," she said gently, her eyes softening. And then she squared her shoulders. "But it's been a long time, Oz. And I don't think... I don't know what there is to say."

"I can say I'm sorry," I said, reaching out and touching her hand.

She stared at my fingers on her wrist for a moment, and then looked up at me. Her gaze was sad. "And I can say that I forgive you. But it's not enough. And I need to get home."

The silence floated over us again, but she didn't move; just continued looking at me as if disappointed. Which she probably was. Nevertheless, I took that as a good sign, her not leaving. "Maybe we could have coffee sometime," I offered hopefully.

"I don't know what we'd talk about," she answered, snapping out of her trance-like state. "And I do need to leave."

She turned around, calmly this time, and started walking away. After a second, she stopped and turned around, walking back towards me. She placed her palm on my cheek tenderly, and leaned forward, kissing my mouth.

Her breath was warm but her lips were cold, it was strange and new, but familiar and comforting; the kiss was awkward in a million ways, but I wanted to stay in it because I knew that if she didn't break the kiss, she wouldn't leave.

But she pulled away, looked at me with eyes that glittered mournfully, and walked away again.

This time I didn't chase or call after her. I didn't need to. I knew what that was. I had seen it before, when I had done it to her. It was firm and definite; final in a way that I had never intended, but that I knew she did. It was perfectly understandable too, but my heart rebelled against it because I didn't want to accept what it was.

But I had to.

It was goodbye.