It was easy before. If no one knew, it wasn't happening. As many times as that has backfired on me, you'd think I would have learned.

When we walked into Giles' house yesterday, holding hands like a real couple, I could see the hurt in Will's eyes. I remembered the pain in her voice when she'd told me about the first time she'd seen Xander and Cordelia kiss, and I immediately dropped Oz's hand.

She smiled then, but I knew it wasn't because of what I had just done. It was just Willow being forgiving, like she'd always been for Xander.

I smiled back at her, then looked at Xander. He looked completely confused by the undercurrents which, knowing Xander, wasn't too surprising. He's never been the best at picking up on subtext.

Giles, on the other hand, was far too aware of what was going on. I had known it when he had talked to Oz the other day. He's protective of Willow, probably because she reminds him of himself.

He refused to meet my eyes, and I knew he was disappointed in me. But it was more than that. I think he feels guilty. Because I think he suspected something and so he deliberately had Willow do that spell.

I think he wanted her to see.

I think he wanted there to be no secrets anymore.

That was yesterday, which we managed to make it through.

Tonight…well, tonight is different. Because Oz is on stage and Willow is sitting at our table, very carefully not looking at Oz and very carefully not noticing that I'm standing in the door watching him. I can't help it. He's like a drug for me, but different than Angel was. He's so much like me, yet so different. Oz lives in the silences of a moment, where I live in the words. But we compliment each other.

I'm also watching Willow out of the corner of my eye. She's staring down at her drink now, slowly stirring it with her straw. I've never really not known what to say to her. Even explaining vampires was easy. Of course, she'd had first-hand knowledge then. Not that she doesn't now, but… Great. I can't even make sense in my own thoughts.

This should be fun.

She's staring at him, watching him with hungry eyes. I used to watch him like that, only not hungrily because it wasn't the hungry kind of thing between us. I mean, it was for a little while, but during that time it was for them too, so I…I can't even figure out what I'm thinking.

He's looking at her too, when he's not glancing down at the guitar in his hands. I'm listening hard, waiting for it. It's the one thing that will force me to admit that my relationship with Oz is over. It's the one thing that will tell me, more than seeing them together having sex did, that Oz and Buffy are meant to be together.

There.

E flat, diminished 9th. It's in the song. And he nailed it. And the smile on Buffy's face is like sunlight.

That means it's not just about sex. It's about friendship and love and sharing dreams. It's about pillow talk and late night phone conversations. It's about everything he and I were supposedly about.

Being the valiant little trooper is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

"Hey Wills."

I smile at Xander, thankful for the distraction. My soda has lost its appeal in the fifteen minutes I've been staring into its depths. "Hey, Xand. What's up?"

"I noticed you over here. I noticed Buffy over there. I noticed that there's a lot of things going on here that I don't understand. Or I think I understand but I don't want to say anything and be horribly wrong and make anyone hate and/or want to hurt me."

"Oz and I split up. Oz and Buffy are a couple. Oz and Buffy were a couple before Oz and I broke up." I wrinkle my brow. "I think that's it."

"Ouch."

"Oh, I did a spell and saw Oz and Buffy having sex. That's what I forgot." I look over at him, not sure what he's going to do. His eyes are dark, almost black, and all of his emotions are blazing in them. Anger. Pain. Worry. Sadness. "It's okay though."

"No, it's not."

"I don't need anyone to defend my honor here, Xander." I reach out and take his hand, holding it tightly, feeling him tense. "It's okay. I'm going to be okay with it. You can't help who you love."

His eyes narrow and I'm beginning to realize that was probably the wrong thing to say. He's going to get all uptight, wondering why Buffy loves Oz when she couldn't…or just wouldn't love him. "I don't see how he can do this to you."

My eyes widen in shock. "What did you say?"

"I don't see how he can treat you this way, Willow. Even if he is in love with Buffy, I would have thought he would have the courtesy to let you know," Xander shakes his head in disbelief. "You deserve better."

"Are you feeling all right, Xander?" I turn to look at him again, wondering what has gotten into all of my friends.

He smiles, embarrassed. "I know, I'm Mr. Oblivious, but I can tell when you're in pain. It pisses me off that he's hurt you, especially since I've been saying I told you so all along, but I don't want to hurt you right now. I think right now, you probably need a friend more than you need a knight in shining armor."

I nailed it.

I know that right now a guitar chord should be the last thing on my mind, but I've been working on this for a long time. And it's kind of sad that the woman who encouraged me to keep working at it is no longer mine.

But the woman who is mine is smiling her encouragement at me now. Her eyes are like twin pools of fire, burning me. She's so intense, so full of life that I can see why everyone is drawn to her. But why she's drawn to me…

I glance over at Willow, wondering if she's watching. So far tonight, whenever I've looked at her, her eyes have been somewhere else. Sometimes, she's actually been looking somewhere and other times she's simply not seeing.

Now though, Xander is sitting beside her, a challenge in his eyes. I know that it's for Willow's benefit, but it's not with her consent. Willow wants it all to just die down. Xander feels as though his best friend's honor has been defiled.

Maybe it has. Maybe that's what I've done, more than broken her heart. I've taken the honor that she held in such high esteem, I've taken the innocence that made her so unique and loveable and I've soiled it. Xander's gaze burns brighter than Buffy's though.

Maybe it's vindication.

I want to hate him. I want to be angry enough to hit him as hard as I can. But I can't find enough anger inside me. All I can think is that now I've got my best friend back. Now I've got Willow back in the way it was, even before Buffy. Which is the most selfish thing in the world, but I can't help the feeling.

I am a horrible person.

But, for almost all of my life, Willow's been the person I've always relied on. And over the past few months, since she's been busy proving what a good girlfriend she is to Oz, I've missed her. I've missed having her around, just being buddies.

And, even though I don't need her as desperately as I used to, I do need her. And with Oz out of the picture, I can have her again.

I'm waiting for him at the edge of the stage, like a lovesick groupie. I feel a little silly, but it's worth it when, as soon as he sets his guitar down, he leans over and kisses me lightly. He jumps down and immediately grabs my hand, which I'm grateful for. I'm still not feeling all that sturdy, although now it's not just from the apprehension of talking to Willow. My knees are weak partially because of him, partially because I'm so elated to have a boyfriend that is normal, one I can do things with, be with, hold, kiss, touch, tease… One I can love.

Did I mention I'm in love with him? I know, what about true love and the whole Angel thing. I don't love Angel any less. I cherish every moment I had with him and I'll continue to do so until the day that I die. But the day I die is more likely to come sooner than later and, like Angel said, I have to find a way to move on and enjoy what I've got.

And Oz makes me happy. Even when I knew that we were running a risk of hurting Willow, being with him made me happy. It made me feel safe and loved. And when he hit the chord tonight, when he achieved this important thing in his life, he looked at me.

He shared it with me.

They're coming this way. They're going to sit at our table and we're all going to pretend that it's not in the least bit odd that Oz is now holding Buffy's hand and I'm sitting alone across from them. Okay, Xander's next to me, but that's not quite the same thing.

And don't think I haven't thought about the whole me and Xander thing. I have. I've considered it and thought about it. But right now, I'd be doing it to try and hurt them and, in the long run, the only people who would get hurt are me and Xander.

I think it would be nice to be friends again, though.

They're holding hands, reveling in the glow of what Oz has done tonight. I manage a smile as they walk up, knowing that the first time is the hardest. The time when you don't have a bunch of books and artifacts to hide behind. "Congratulations."

He doesn't need to ask what I'm talking about. I don’t think he harbors any illusions that I'm congratulating him on a fine match in the field of love. "Thanks."

"I knew you could do it."

"Well, not something I'd want to try every day, but it was good to get it out of the way. The first time's the hardest."

"Did…did you guys want to join us?" I smile, although I imagine it comes out pretty weak. "There's room."

Buffy shakes her head. "I've actually got to get out and patrol. As quiet as things have been since we wiped out half of the undead population at the Ascension, I've got to keep on my toes. Otherwise, you know, chaos."

"Right. Chaos. That's bad." I nod. For someone who is such a horrible liar, I'm pretty good at this pretending.

"Very."

Or maybe I'm not. I can't do this.

"So, you guys are a couple now?"

Leave it to Xander. Apparently he was taking subtlety lessons from Cordelia. Buffy and Oz look at each other, shrugging a little, pretending that it's not as serious as it seems. Finally, Oz smiles at her. "Yeah."

"I see. Well, I guess, congratulations."

Buffy looks at Xander. "Xan…"

He holds up his hand and shakes his head. "It's okay Buffy. I was over that a long time ago." Managing a smile slightly stronger than mine, he shrugs as well. "Besides, I never had a stake in this."

Oz raises his eyebrows and looks at me quickly. Xander smirks and his eyes dare Oz to say something.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. "You guys be careful out there. Don't…don't get distracted." Throughout my life, I've sacrificed my heart for the sake of friendship and, in the long run, it's worked out okay. Friendship usually works out the way you plan it. Love never does. "We'll see you tomorrow at Giles'?"

Buffy nods, her eyes finally meeting mine, searching my gaze for understanding…I'm not sure if she wants hers or mine. "Night Wills. You guys be careful too. If you need an escort home, give me a call."

"Thanks Buff. But I think we'll be fine."

I watch them leave and wonder at my last statement, unsure if I mean tonight or for the rest of it all.

That went better than I expected. I fully anticipated a war, all of us losers in the end. Instead, even Xander took it all in stride, acting almost too much like an adult. Wonder if we’re all possessed.

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I much prefer the road less angst-ridden. Although, I don’t know if it’s fair that I say that since this is pretty much all my fault. What is it that drives a man, one who is usually so completely into the moment he’s in, to start looking at what he’s not supposed to see?

Why am I such a philosopher?

Buffy’s walking just a bit ahead of me, darting glances back over her shoulder. We’re patrolling, if you can call it that. There’s not much going on and I know that all I can think about is making our way back to the van and snuggling under the blanket in the back.

Now that it’s out in the open, I want her even more than ever. I feel bad for it, on some levels, because I know how much Willow is hurting. I know that, after giving her such a horrible time about her and Xander, that I have no right to expect her to treat us as good as she is. I mean, she’s so accepting and agreeable that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thought that it would be tonight. I mean, everything I’d been working toward while I was with her, I achieved tonight with someone else. Every honest loving moment we’d shared together I’d ruined for her now that she knew I’d been with Buffy all along.

How low is that, that I’ve managed to ruin her first time in retrospect?

“Oz?”

I realize I’m falling behind and hurry to catch up with Buffy. “Hey.”

She smiles and tilts her head back in the direction of the van. “You know, my mom is out of town this weekend at a gallery conference.”

“She is?” I smile, knowing full well where this is going. And I’m liking where it’s going. We’ve been in the position, while this was all a secret, where every place we could go had some sort of memory attached. The van and my bedroom were laced with Willow’s scent. Most of the private public places Buffy had toured with Angel.

But her room was someplace he’d never really touched her. Not too much. And, although Willow’s scent would still tinge the room, it would assault my senses with Buffy’s smell.

Have I mentioned that I love the way she smells?

We’ve been walking for an hour now, just touring the streets of Sunnydale. You’d think we didn’t know about what goes down in this town at night, but we’re armed and dangerous, so I suppose we’ll make it through all right.

Willow hasn’t said much. We passed the cemetery a while ago and there was no sign of the happy couple. Of course, there are eleven others in the city limits, so we might have just taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. At least, I tried telling Willow that until we passed Buffy’s house and saw the light in her window and Oz’s van in the driveway.

Have you ever heard someone shatter?

I mean, all Willow did was make a soft noise. It was barely loud enough to hear over the normal noises of the night, but I heard it. Hell, I felt it all the way to my bones.

“Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“No.” She shakes her head and I want to storm up to the house and knock some sense into Oz one more time. Not that being with Buffy doesn’t make sense, I mean, I’ve wanted to be in the same position myself. But I would never hurt Willow to…do…it. Damn.

“Wills?”

She looks up at me and there are tears glistening on her eyelashes, making them sparkle in the street lamp’s light. “He made…made love to me there, Xander. I don’t ever want to go home again.”

I take her in my arms and hold her, hugging her tightly like I did when we were little kids and Cordelia or some other stupid spoiled brat picked on her. I smooth her hair down, all the while whispering nonsense words. None of the comfort words ever worked with us, we’d heard ‘em so many times from parents with fake apologies, so Willow and I had always promised to never say the platitudes.

“Succotash butterscotch.”

“What?” I pull back from our embrace, looking down into her green eyes. They’re red from crying, but there’s laughter in there too. “What was that?”

She laughs and touches my cheek. “That’s what you just said.”

“I did no such thing.” I pretend indignance for all its worth, barely able to catch my smile before it gets away from me.

“Banana fudge ripple.”

“Is that more Willow-y nonsense?” I feel my lips tremble slightly and I know that I want to kiss her, even though I shouldn’t, even though it would be the most wrong thing I could do.

“Nope.” She pulls away from me and the moment is lost and, for the most part, I’m thankful. “It’s the flavor of ice cream you can buy me.”

“I can, can I?”

She nods and she’s wearing the first real smile I’ve seen in the past two days. “Yeah. Because that’s what best friends do.”

I walk into Giles’ apartment and I’m still a little nervous. I mean, last night was sort of a short time together, not nearly long enough for her to gouge out my eyes or anything, should she be so inclined. Even with that, though, I’d rather deal with that than the look of disappointment I’m expecting from Giles. I guess he sees that I acted a little…okay, a lot like Faith in this whole situation.

I saw, I wanted, I took.

But I also think he’s smart enough to know that Oz maybe saw, wanted and took too.

I’m about to call out to Giles when I see the mess his apartment is. Fear shoots through me and I curse myself for taking a night off for what I wanted instead of what I was supposed to do.

“Giles?”

“In here, Buffy.”

I walk into the kitchen and relief floods through me. Xander and Willow are seated on the kitchen counters and Giles is leaning against the refrigerator. All three have cartons of ice cream in their hands and, if my eyes aren’t deceiving me, they’ve got a bit on their clothes and hair too. “Did we fight an ice cream monster?” I glance over at Giles who is, for him, disheveled and filthy. He’s got a bit of ice cream in his hair and a spot on his tie, not to mention the fact that his shirt is untucked. “Why do I have to fight big scary, scaly demons and you guys fight ice cream monsters?”

Giles smiles at me and offers out his carton. “There’s plenty left.”

“And why are you guys wearing the same thing you wore yesterday?”

Xander shrugs and smiles at me, and for a second, I allow myself to think it might all be all right. “We went for ice cream. Ran into Giles. We had a sleepover.”

“They wouldn’t let me do makeovers,” Willow pouted as I shunned Giles’ pralines and cream and eyed Willow’s banana fudge ripple. Seeing my glance, she held it out. “Wanna bite?”

“Is this sort of slackage allowed?”

Willow nodded as I took the spoon from her hand and dug out a huge scoopful. She pointed at Giles. “When the adult is doing it too? Oh yeah.”

I watch her eyes as she smiles at Giles and Xander who are now debating the finer points of sugar content. “Willow?” I whisper.

“Yeah?”

She doesn’t look at me, but I can tell she’s listening. “Are we okay?”

“I would say,” she whispered back, finally meeting my eyes. “That by the time the ice cream is gone, Sunnydale’s second longest friendship will be headed back on track.”

I smile at her, my heart lightening. Grabbing another spoon from the drawer, I hand her back hers and lean against her leg and helping her with the rapidly melting ice cream. Xander and Giles are still talking, but with me and Wills?

The silence is saying enough.