I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it doesn't matter why
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me

I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Xander Harris sighed heavily as he lowered his stake. His prey skittered away in the darkness -- third raccoon this week that had almost met its horrible demise at the end of his pointy stick. He cursed quietly and shoved the stake into his back pocket, wincing when he heard the telltale ripping of fabric letting him know that he’d pushed the weapon too far. Again.

“Buff?” He called to the shadows around him. “You out there laughing at me?”

The slayer emerged from a row of tall hedges, her small frame shaking with giggles. “Nope. I’m right here laughing at you.”

Xander sighed and presented her with his rear end, showing her his new fashion statement. “Any chance this is covered in some kind of Slayer’s Expenses Fund?”

She leaned back against a nearby tomb and giggled some more. “You know, you insisted on coming along tonight. You could be at the Bronze, hanging with Willow and having that teenage fun I’ve heard so much about.”

He shook his head slightly. “I think she’s busy getting things back on track with Oz right now,” he acknowledged. “I’d just be in the way of that. So, on patrol I went.”

Buffy’s features softened as she examined his face. “Xander…”

“No Buff, it’s okay. She made her choice, and now I have to live with it. It’s fine.” He began to pick his way through the cemetery, heading for the front gates.

Buffy fell into step beside him easily. “Xander,” she sighed. “It’s not that she doesn’t care for you, because she does, she really does. It’s just that – well, first there’s the guilt factor.”

“Right. I was bad. We were bad! I get it. It was wrong. Everything I do is tinged with wrong, so no one’s really surprised at my involvement, but heaven forbid that Willow *enjoyed* kissing me back!” He picked up the pace as he spoke, his anger fueling the speed of his steps.

Buffy hurriedly matched his pace. “Xander…”

“Stop saying that! I don’t want your pity.” He stopped abruptly and she had to whirl around to face him as she passed him. “Willow chose Oz. Oz is a great guy. I lost. I get it. I’m like the conquered nation that doesn’t get any say in the peace treaty.”

He stopped to take a breath and Buffy’s own breath seized in her throat as she noted the look in his eyes. “You -- you fell in love with her. Oh, Xander. Your timing really sucks.”

He nodded and began walking again. “Yeah well, everybody buys into the myth that life is ruled by love, happiness, and success. It’s a myth. Life is really all about timing. If you don’t have the timing, you don’t get any of those things.”

“Well, what are you going to do? Are you going to tell her?”

“No.”

“No?” The petite slayer jumped in front of him and drew herself up her full height. “What do you mean ‘No.’?”

“Buffy, which part of ‘she’s already chosen Oz’ has flown by you?”

“B-But, she doesn’t even know!” Buffy sputtered. “She thinks that you want Cordelia back, and she’s all guilty, so she made the choice based on those facts. But it turns out that fact one isn’t a fact at all!”

Xander stepped past her and resumed walking. “If she didn’t really want Oz, she wouldn’t have gone back to him, Buff.” He stopped and stared up at the slivered moon in the sky. “She wants Oz, I want her to be happy, and this is how it is.”

“So you’re just going to do nothing, pretend you’re not in love, and let her go with Oz?”

“Nope.”

Buffy stomped in frustration. “Then what *are* you going to do exactly?”

Xander smiled at her sadly, unshed tears reflecting in the dim moonlight in his eyes. “I’m gonna smile and be jovial guy, so she’ll never know how I feel. Then she’ll be happy for the first time, without me mucking it up.”

Buffy regarded him seriously. “Can you do that, Xander? Can you shove aside everything inside you and just step away?”

“I’m gonna have to. Even if it hurts so much I want to crawl into a pit of sharp, rusty, metal spikes, I’m going to do it. For her.”

Buffy stared at her friend with a concerned expression. She’d seen how destroyed Willow was when she’d loved Xander and gotten nothing in return. But now that Xander had gotten a taste of what he wanted, and then had it taken away – this was going to be so much harder for him. But he was willing to do it to make Willow happy. And, Buffy grudgingly admitted, Oz made her happy. Sighing, Buffy reached out and enveloped him in a quick hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Willow sipped her drink slowly, conscious of the fact that Cordelia was watching her from a few tables away. Oz had left briefly to go to the washroom, and Willow was sitting in dread, waiting for shark-Cordelia to come and tear her limb from limb. Either verbally or physically.

Finally, Cordelia slid slowly from her stool, and took deliberate, measured steps to Willow’s table. Willow paled as Cordy approached, and shrank back into the vinyl of the booth, hoping to become invisible. The dark-haired girl stood in front of her for a few moments, quietly sizing up the petite redhead. She was supposed to hate this girl. The one who had taken her boyfriend, her reputation, and her heart with a few well-placed kisses. But she was disturbed to find that instead, she just wanted everyone in this mess to be happy. Damn! “Working for the forces of good is starting to get to me,” she murmured.

“Um, hi Cordy--” Willow began.

“He loves you, you know,” Cordelia interrupted without preamble.

Willow glanced at the dim hallway that led to the washrooms, thinking of Oz and how he had forgiven her when she had no reason to expect him too. “I know.”

“Not him, you idiot!” Cordelia snorted. “Xander.”

Willow blushed and shook her head. “Oh no. I don’t think—“

“He’s not fighting for me hard enough,” Cordelia explained. “Because he doesn’t really want me. He wants you.”

Willow shook her head in denial as she caught sight of Oz emerging from the hallway. “He can’t. We can’t.”

Cordelia narrowed her eyes at Willow. “For being the supposedly smartest girl at Sunnydale High, you’re really stupid about some things.” She spun on her heel and stalked away, leaving a contemplative Willow to welcome her boyfriend’s return.

The Next Day

“Hey Will!” Xander exclaimed as he plopped down beside her on the grass. “How was the Bronze? Bronze-y?”

Willow looked up from the textbook she’d been studying and hurriedly put it away. “Xander! Move back a little! Oz will be here any second!”

Xander’s face fell as he scooted a few inches away from her. “Should I leave?” he asked anxiously.

“No!” Willow’s face contorted with indecision. There was no easy way to handle the balance between her friends right now. “Just… Stay there.”

“Right,” Xander agreed amicably. “Not moving.”

“Fine,” Willow noted sadly.

“Huh? What?”

“Things at the Bronze were fine. Brief run-in with Cordelia, but we both came out unscathed – I think.”

Xander nodded slowly, an unreadable expression on his face. “Don’t let her get to you, Will. She’s hurt and mad at me. She's not really after you.”

Willow squinted against the sun and sighed. For fifteen years, she’d been able to read Xander. Every expression, every glance, was carefully catalogued in her brain to go with a corresponding emotion. But since they’d kissed, she couldn’t read anything. She had no idea right now if he was thinking about Cordelia, her, french fries or a history test. ‘What am I thinking? Xander would *never* think about a history test.’ She sighed and eyed him critically. ‘It’s because my perception has changed’, she thought sadly. ‘We’ve seen each other as someone different, and now we can’t go back.’

“Did you and Buffy run into anything on patrol?” Willow finally asked.

Xander flashed her one of his patented half-smiles. “Took care of some of the most vicious scavengers around.”

Willow sat up in alarm. “Really? A Synok Demon? How did you guys burn its heart from the inside out?”

Xander looked at her blankly. The concept of a heart burning from the inside out was a pretty accurate description for how he’d felt the past few weeks. Just looking at her now, with her hair shining in the sun and her eyes full of concern was almost too much for him. But what the hell was a Synok Demon? “It was a raccoon.”

“Oh!” Willow quieted as understanding fell upon her. “Oh.”

“Hey.” They both looked up in surprise at Oz, walking towards them.

“Oh, hi!” Willow lifted her face for his brief kiss and smiled at him softly.

Xander’s eyes traveled from Willow to Oz and back. He felt his chest tightening painfully, and he stood quickly. “I should bolt.”

Willow lowered her eyes in silence. She wanted to ask him to stay, but couldn’t think of a way to do it without raising Oz’s suspicions. “We could … walk you to class,” she suggested.

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” he declined. And then Xander smiled at her broadly, and for just a second, she caught sight of… *something* behind his smile that wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t as natural, as normal, and in that second, it hit her like a thunderbolt to her stomach.

Cordelia was right.

He was smiling, but his dispirited eyes said that he loved her. And he was letting her go.

“Xander--” she breathed, getting to her feet.

“I’ll see you around, Will.”

She stood there, paralyzed, her mind and heart reeling as she watched him go.

“Buffy?” Willow called as she entered the library. “You here?”

There was the sound of a crack and then Giles came into view, clutching a small staff and flying through the air before hitting the highly polished floor. He slid for a few moments and came to a rest at her feet. “Hi Giles,” she said, smiling down at him.

He grunted.

Buffy bounded out from past the magazine rack where Willow hadn’t been able to see her. She reached out a hand to help her former Watcher to his feet, but he waved her off. “Just let me rest here a moment.”

“You looking for me, Will?” Buffy asked, heading for the study table and grabbing a towel.

“Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about something.” Willow sat at the table.

“Girlie somethings?” Buffy asked quietly.

Willow nodded. Buffy began gathering up her things without a word. “Are we done Giles?” she asked.

“If I want to be able to move tomorrow, I suggest we stop now,” he replied from his position on the floor.

“Okay. We’ll see you in a bit.” Buffy grabbed Willow’s hand and led her out of the library, stepping over the librarian as they left.

Buffy led her to the student lounge down the hall and took a seat on the couch, lightly mopping her brow as she sat. “So?”

Willow fiddled with the strap on her backpack as she considered what she wanted to ask. “When you were on patrol, last night, did Xander say anything to you? About me?”

Buffy’s posture tightened up immediately. “What sort of thing are you hoping he mentioned?” she asked cautiously.

Willow shrugged noncommittally. “I just, want to make sure he’s okay. I haven’t talked to him much since … the factory.”

“That’s because you’re too busy avoiding him to prove to Oz you’re over him,” Buffy replied. Willow opened her mouth in shock at the bluntness, and Buffy rushed to apologize. “I’m sorry Will. That was uncalled for. I know you’re confused.”

“No I’m not.”

“Huh?”

“I’m actually remarkably un-confused. I know what I want – who I want. I just don’t know how to go about getting it,” Willow explained. “I don’t like that, no matter how I choose, someone will get hurt.”

Buffy’s features softened with sympathy. “It would be easier to give advice if I knew what was going on in your head.”

Willow sighed softly. “Xander… He’s been great these past few weeks, and I was so relieved because I thought things could go back to how they used to be before we fluked – but today, I think I saw something. There was something in his smile.”

“If a smile’s the only thing you want to see, then that’s what you’ll see,” Buffy stated slowly.

Willow looked at her intently. “I think he’s just pretending to be happy, so I’ll stay with Oz.”

“Does Oz make you happy?” Buffy asked quietly. Her face took on an alarmed look as she spotted Oz wander toward them and was about to warn Willow when Oz made a motion for her to stay silent. He’d heard her question, and wanted to hear Willow’s unguarded answer.

Willow stared at her hands. “Of course he makes me happy. He’s wonderful and supportive and sweet and I love him. He’s a great guy.” She raised her eyes slowly to Buffy’s. “I’m just not sure if he’s *my* guy. If I really, really loved Oz, wouldn’t I have not fluked in the first place? I was there Buffy, and I could have stopped kissing Xander if I’d wanted to, but I didn’t want to.”

Buffy offered her a sad half-smile, her eyes traveling past Willow to the guitarist a few feet behind the redhead. “The truth comes out.”

Willow blushed and offered her own little smile. “Kissing Xander is… It’s amazing. It’s like being in a tornado and having the whole world swirl around you, and you’re left with nothing to cling to but him.”

“You’re making me want to kiss him and take him for a test drive,” Buffy commented wryly. Willow looked up in panic and Buffy laughed. “Just kidding, Will.”

Willow laughed softly. “I want to make things up to Oz. I really do. But… I’m not so sure any more that being his girlfriend is the way to do it. Especially if… If I’m not over Xander. There’s some part of me, that still wants him, Buffy. That still loves him from when I worshipped him, but also loves him now even more now that we’ve… experienced more.”

Buffy watched Oz’s face, waiting for an expression to pop up. He remained stoic and silent, absorbing Willow’s words. “So, now what?” Buffy asked.

“Now,” Willow replied slowly, “I find Oz and tell him I was wrong. Tell him that I care for him, and I love him, but he’s not they guy I need right now.”

Buffy’s face took on a worried expression as Oz stepped up behind Willow and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders. Willow felt him and her eyes widened in panic as Oz’s lips came down to brush the top of her head lightly. “Understood,” he murmured into her hair. “Be happy, Will.”

Willow’s eyes filled with tears as she felt him move away. “Bye, Oz,” she said softly, turning and watching his back as he walked away from her. He raised a hand to let her know he’d heard, and she smiled despite the tears in her eyes. Oz understood. It was going to be fine. And she was free. She brushed the remaining tears away and straightened her shoulders. She’d made her choice – the choice that was right for her and not everyone else. She was going to be happy.

“I’m sorry, Will,” Buffy apologized, coming and sitting beside her friend. “He didn’t want me to let you know he was there.”

Willow smiled sadly. “It’s okay. Easiest breakup I’ve ever had. Only breakup I’ve ever had.” She leaned into Buffy, closing her eyes, and took a deep breath. “It’ll be okay,” she repeated. She took a few more deep breaths and opened her eyes. “Buffy? Has Xander said anything to you? About how he feels about me?”

Buffy smiled broadly. “I think you know the answer to that already. You were right about him wanting to hide things from you. Last night, he said he was going to disguise his feelings with a smile and you’d never know how much he loved you. And today, his smile tipped you off." She giggled. "It’s kind of funny.”

Willow’s features brightened and she looked shy. "Really? He said he loved me?”

“No, Will. His eyes did. They’re way more reliable than his mouth anyway.”

Willow giggled. “You got that right.”

“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”

Willow nodded resolutely. “Next time I see him.”

Buffy stood abruptly. “Then I’m gonna run – cuz he’s coming over here right now.”

Willow sat in shock as Buffy skittered away, watching Xander approach her, a lazy smile on his lips.

“Hey, Will.” He plunked down beside her on the couch and offered her a potato chip from the bag in his hand. Willow looked at the bag for long moments and then up to his face. She took in his profile, the strong line of his jaw, the chocolate color of his eyes, the soft, sincere, smile playing about his lips, and her breath caught.

“Hey,” she breathed finally. She smiled, her heart lightening as she thought about what she was going to admit. This had been far too long in coming.

“What did you guys do to Giles? I had to help him off the floor and into his office a few minutes ago.” He grinned at her and the grin faded as he watched her face. “Are we on Oz lookout?” he asked, glancing around. “Or can we actually talk?”

“We’re most definitely not on Oz lookout,” she replied.

Something in the smoky tone of her voice made him look into her eyes. His heart began hammering loudly in his chest as he examined the affection he saw there. “We’re not?” he murmured softly.

“No.” She shook her head and smiled at him gently. She reached forward and took his free hand, pulling it onto her lap. “Xander, when we were kids, we were the best of friends, right?”

He nodded in agreement, a half-smile on his face as he watched her fingers playing with his hand. “The absolute best.”

“And then when we got older, I got a crush on you, and you got a crush on every girl in Sunnydale who wasn’t me. Accurate so far?”

He smiled, lacing his fingers around hers. “So far.”

“Then you started dating Cordelia and I started dating Oz, and we were still all good, weren’t we?”

“Fighting the dark forces of Hell and hanging out in our spare time,” he agreed.

“Then, at Homecoming,” she lowered her eyes and her voice, “when we kissed, it was all still really, really good?”

His eyes darkened sexily with the memory. “It was better than that. It was the best.”

“Do you miss it?” she asked, leaning towards him.

He could feel her breath against his lips, and he had to close his eyes against the feelings rocketing through him. With just a little movement, they'd be kissing. Oh God, how he wanted to move! But they shouldn’t be doing this. She wanted Oz, she’d chosen Oz, and he had to make sure she was happy. He pushed her away lightly. “Willow. Oz might—“

“Might what?” she asked. “Might see us? Oz and I agreed to not see each other any more. Because of you. Because of how you make me feel and how I feel about you.” Xander started slightly, mute, as she leaned in close to him and captured his face in her hands. “Do you miss it?” she repeated. “The fluking?”

He closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against hers. “Yes.”

“Was there ever anything about it you wanted to change?” she asked, stroking his eyelids with her thumbs softly, her fingers tangling in his dark hair.

“Yes.”

“What?” Her voice was barely a breath.

“I would have told you that, I love you. And asked you to stay with me, instead of him,” he admitted.

“Do it,” she encouraged. Her lips were against his as she spoke, her eyes closed.

He took a deep breath and laid his heart out for her. “I love you, Willow. Stay with me?”

She kissed him deeply. Their lips met and their tongues danced as their hearts fianlly opened up to everything they could be. “I love you too," she whispered. "I'm staying.” Her arms wound around his neck tightly and he pulled her closer to him, scarcely believing he wasn’t dreaming it all. Their second kiss intensified, as they let all their pent-up emotion take over.

Finally, Willow pulled back and touched his hands reverently. “ I love you, Xander.” A great smile broke out upon his face and she answered with a grin of her own. “And I love your smile.”