Finally, Xander stopped and sat on a nearby bench. He rubbed his hands on his jeans and cursed his own insecurity. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Once upon a time, he would have rushed to Willow's aid, held her, protected her, and tried to make her smile. But that was once upon a time, and this was the ugly present.

He never, in a million years, imagined that Oz would leave Willow. Sure the full-moon lockdown was a complication, but Oz always seemed so level-headed and calm. Not remotely animalistic. Except for the sense of smell thing. And the way he coiled up when helping in a fight. And then there was the way he sometimes unconsciously went for the jugular when helping Buffy train. Xander examined his train of thought and shrugged. Okay, so maybe there were some animalistic traits. Loyalty was one too, and Oz had that in spades.

Willow and Oz being together was a life-truth he had learned to accept. In the beginning, he was kinda jealous. And then again later he was kinda jealous, but he had been sure that Willow and Oz would be the couple to make it. Until he'd gotten Buffy's phone call hours earlier. Then, he was forced to re-examine a lot of his life-truths. But what bothered him most was the truth about who he was to Willow now.

He'd always been her best friend. For years, they shared every thought, every plan, every secret and every hope for their lives. Until puberty hit, and Xander suddenly started noticing the girls around him. Which, unfortunately, was previously attention he would have devoted to Willow. He was honestly completely oblivious to her crush on him, preferring to think of her as his buddy. Until Buffy. Things started to come into clearer focus when Buffy came along and opened their eyes to the dangers around them. They'd even managed to befriend Buffy and stay best friends. But then he'd kissed Cordelia. And Oz came along right after that.

Xander stared at the window to Buffy and Willow's room, sighing lightly in the cool night air. Willow had Buffy to comfort her. Buffy was her best friend, and she would get Willow through this. He wouldn't. He wasn't her best friend anymore, and it wasn't his place. He wanted it to be, but it wasn't.

He wasn't sure exactly when they had drifted so far apart. It could be argued that it was after Willow found him kissing Cordy in the library, or after they got caught in the factory, when Willow began distancing herself from him. The beginning of the end. Now, she was the belle of the university, thriving in her environment, and leaving him in her dust. Which was okay with him. She deserved to be appreciated for who she was, and he deserved her dust. He just wished... He just wished she still had time to be friends. Not just compadres in saving the world, or advice consultants, but friends. People who went out and had a good time together and appreciated just getting to spend time with someone they cared about. But now in the reality of post-high school, Xander found himself under her window... Desperately needing to help her, support her, and having no place in her life.

The light above him finally flickered out. He checked his watch and winced at the time. Nearly one in the morning. He would have to get through his living room and down to the basement without distracting his mother from her infomercials. *If* he wanted to avoid another screaming match. He sat for a few minutes longer, mourning his lack of involvement in Willow's new life. He was happy for her, but sad to be left so far behind.

With a sigh, he got up from the bench and stretched, before yawning and trying to clear his head for the walk home. Walking home half-asleep in Sunnydale was a definite no-no in the Slayerette handbook.

"Xander!"

He opened one eye, mid yawn, and met Willow's curious eyes from her darkened window. He panicked for a moment and thought about running and hiding, but then he saw the reddish tint to her cheeks and around her eyes. She'd done a lot of crying.

"Hey, Wills," he called softly. He thought of a thousand questions in that instant, everything from asking her how she was to finding out why she wasn't sleeping. He finally settled on one. "Are you okay?"

She leaned against the window frame wearily. "Not really," she answered in a quiet voice.

"Will you... Will you be?"

She thought about it for a minute, and he watched her face carefully. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "I hope so." She propped her head against her hands. "What are you doing out there?"

Xander wracked his mind for a plausible explanation. He didn't want to tell her that he'd been moping on a bench, afraid he didn't fit into her life anymore. "I was... I just... I just got off work at the pub." She nodded, and he caught the disappointed look in her eyes. Hope lit up his heavy heart. She'd been hoping he was checking up on her. "I, uh, was going to stop by, but your light was out."

Willow looked over her shoulder at the darkened room. "Buffy just left for patrol," she said, in way of an explanation. "She wanted me to get some sleep."

"You don't want to sleep?"

She shook her head sadly. "Every time I close my eyes, I see them. Together. Curled up."

Xander flinched at the pain in her voice. He'd never heard that tone before. "Okay. So, no sleeping. What do you want?" Xander asked. "Chocolate? I could go and get some."

Willow's eyes got glassy, and his heart clenched as he saw a glistening tear make its way down her cheek in the moonlight. "I want it... to be... like it was a week ago," she admitted. "But... it won't be... so, I have to... learn to deal."

Xander stepped closer to the window. "Do you... want to talk about it?" he asked hesitantly. She nodded, as tears began to overwhelm her again and clog her throat. Xander reached into his pocket solemnly, and withdrew a small object. Flicking the lighter, he offered her a half-smile. "Rough day?"

She laughed through her tears and wiped her nose. Her face grew serious in the flickering light. "You don't have to play sympathetic bartender with me."

He pocketed the lighter again, noting the serious tone in her voice. "Who do you want me to be?"

She motioned at the door. "Come on up. I'd like to pour my heart out to one of my best friends."

Xander stared at her for a moment, and they shared a look of understanding. She knew he'd been lonely and she was sorry, and he knew he was still one of her best friends. "I'll be right there," he said softly, heading for the door.

Willow moved to the door and flicked the light on before sitting back on her bed. She drew her knees up to her chest and waited for Xander. Her oldest best friend.