Damn. Too late. I'm thinking about him again. About them. About all I've cost everyone.

I didn't think I had any more tears left to cry. After a month, I expected to be so dried up that no more tears would come. I miss him. I miss them all. I wish I could change everything. I wish I could go back in time and not use the sword. I wish I had let the world get sucked into Hell. No. Wait a minute. I don't wish that. I can't stand the thought of Mom and all my friends being tormented by demons for eternity. I just wanted to be able to love him. Without anyone getting hurt. Why was that so hard? So forbidden? We were never allowed to be happy. Nice reward for being the Slayer.

I take a deep breath and try to stop the flow of tears. Tears don't get you anything. Nothing about that life matters anymore. Anne doesn't cry. Anne doesn't feel. Anne just is. I like it that way. Less complicated. Less pain. I'm not Buffy anymore. I'm not the Slayer anymore. I'm Anne now.

Sighing, I reach for the book on the small nightstand. I think it's a mystery. I've never gotten past the first paragraph. The book won't help. It never does. A siren loudly wails outside my window and I stand and make my way across the room. I pull back the shabby curtains to see where it's stopping. An ambulance pulls up to the building next door. I lean against the window frame and watch as the paramedics rush inside the building. Off to save another life. A familiar pang dulls the ache in my chest. I used to save lives…. But I've wrecked others, my heart reminds me.

No! That was Buffy. I'm Anne. I've got to remember that. Some days, walking to the diner, that thought is all that keeps me going. Anne never loved Angel. She never sent him to Hell. She never let her Watcher get kidnapped. She never let her best friends get beaten up by vampires. She never broke her mother's heart. She's free. I'm Anne now. Only Anne.

The paramedics emerge again, with a small form on their stretcher covered by blankets. A little boy. One side of my mouth curls up. I hope they've gotten there in time. A police car has joined the ambulance at the curb. The officer exits the cruiser, quickly pushing the growing crowd away from the ambulance. He seems sure of himself, sure of his authority. And then he turns towards my building. My breath catches in my throat as I stare at his face. It's Angel.

I never thought I'd ever want to run again, but my feet are pounding down the stairs quick as lightning as I rush to the front entrance. My brain has shut down and my heart has taken over every fiber of my body. I couldn't stop running if my life depended on it.

I turn the corner and throw open the front door with such force that I almost take it off the hinges. Briefly I'm reminded of the library back at the school and the doors I've thrown open countless times. I sprint to the sidewalk, skipping the steps altogether in one leap from the door. The crowd parts as I forcefully push through to the front.

Angel has turned back the other way. I'm right behind him in a matter of seconds. I reach out and pull his arm, expecting him to see me and launch himself into my arms. Or maybe hit me. I did send him to Hell, after all.

"Are you family, ma'am?"

The officer isn't Angel. In fact, he doesn't look anything like Angel up close. My mouth opens and closes as I struggle to think of something to say. My vocal chords work against me and I find myself uttering his name. "Angel?"

"Is that the boy's name, ma'am?"

My eyes travel to the still form on the stretcher. The ambulance attendant is waiting to close the door, looking at me strangely. They think I know the boy. Suddenly it dawns on me. They're not hurrying. It's too late. The little boy can't be saved. "He's dead," I murmur quietly, unable to draw my eyes from the small body. He's dead, just like Angel. "Angel's dead." And I killed him. His brown eyes were so trusting before I kissed him goodbye. He never knew it was goodbye. He never knew….

The officer reaches to comfort me, and I jump away from his touch with a speed that shocks him. "I'm sorry. I… I don't know him." I turn and run before he can say anything else. I hear him following for a few seconds, but I got a good head start and I can worm my way through the small crowd faster. I'm out of his sight before he's even broken through the throng of people. My heart beats wildly against my ribcage as I dart around the back of the apartment building and throw open the back door. I need to get back to my apartment. I need to be Anne. I'm safe when I'm Anne. Anne doesn't hurt.

Finally reaching sanctuary, I lean against the door and catch my breath. My knees buckle and I slide down the door. Reaching the floor, I curl up into a ball. I rock back and forth as I close my eyes against my memories. Anne never killed Angel. Anne never hurt her mother. Anne never let Xander's arm get broken or Willow get injured. Anne never failed to protect Giles. Anne. I need to be Anne.

I fall asleep sometime later, the tears on my cheeks for the boy outside. Not for Buffy. Really. She's dead to me.

I'm actually almost happy to see the sun again. I lived in darkness for so long; becoming a part of the night with my slaying. It made me something the monsters feared. But the beach is warm, and it chases away the darkness from my heavy heart. I turn my face to the sun, letting it warm my skin and fill me with hope. How can someone be sad on such a beautiful day?

"Hi."

The soft voice stops me in mid-stretch, and I slowly lower my arms to my sides. I'm afraid to turn around. I've faced vampires, demons, witches and a scary swimming coach and I'm *afraid* to turn around and face the man I love more than anything in the world. Irony, my last friend.

"How did you find me here?" I ask quietly. "No one's supposed to know…"

"Anne, now is it?" Angel asks, circling to in front of me. "I always loved Buffy, myself."

My throat works overtime to swallow the lump of tears that's suddenly there. He reaches up and touches my cheek with a soft hand. I lean into his palm as if he's the only one who can save me. Maybe he is.

"I'll be Buffy for you." My heart suddenly jerks me back to the present. "But, if I am, you can't leave. I can't… I'm… You can't leave me again. Please…."

He smiles and pulls me to him gently. "Did you think you could get rid of me? I'm here, Buffy. I'm not going anywhere." He pauses to kiss my forehead. "Not without you."

I wrap my arms around him as a tear slips down my cheek. "Let's go home, Angel. I miss them."

"Okay." His one word lights up my heart like a thousand sunrises. Everything's going to be okay.

"Today?"

"Right now," he answers, a small smile playing on his lips. It's such a rare thing to see that I can't help my answering grin.

I allow him to lead me to the ocean. Something registers in my brain. This isn't the way home. "Angel?" I ask questioningly. "Home. Sunnydale. This way." I tug lightly on his hand to show him the way I want to go.

He turns to me, surprised. "I don't live there anymore."

I'm momentarily confused, and my first thought is that he got rid of his apartment. He pulls me into the water up to my ankles. I'm not letting go of his hand. Ever. I watch the back of his head as he pulls me further in.

Pain suddenly shoots up my legs. I glance down and cry out in horror as I realize the ocean is boiling. It's burning me! "Angel!" I cry, yanking his hand to get his attention. Instead, my action catches him off balance and he falls towards me. With a grunt, I land in the boiling water, Angel landing on top of me.

I scream and try to roll towards the safety of the sand, away from the burning, fiery water that surrounds me. My scream dies in my throat as I see Angel's face. It's covered in blood and burns and welts. He would hardly be recognizable if I didn't know his eyes by heart. "Welcome home," he whispers. "Welcome to my hell." The sea suddenly rises up in sheets of flame, as demons more hideous than even I could imagine emerge and begin lashing us with sharp, razored whips. The pain is unbearable.

I wake up thrashing and calling out his name. Again.

Without even thinking, I reach for the phone on the nightstand and dial Willow's number. My heart is racing triple time, and I'm sure that if I tell her about the nightmare, it'll be better. Talking to Willow always makes things better.

"You must dial one or zero plus the area code to connect this call…" The mechanical recorded voice jolts me back into reality.

I almost called Willow. What was I thinking? She's probably got some fancy telephone tracer equipment hooked up to her computer. She'll probably know where I am in seconds.

My hand hesitates above the numbers for a fraction of second. I dial again quickly.

Her groggy voice greets me. "'Ello?"

Tears rush to my eyes with her one word. I miss her so much. Almost as much as I miss my Mom. And I miss Giles telling me to work harder. I miss Xander's stupid jokes and Oz's quiet tone and even Cordelia's whiny voice. I miss them.

"Hello?" Willow sounds more awake now. I listen to her breathe for a second longer, thanking God that she's still safe in a town as dangerous as Sunnydale. "Buffy?" Her voice is so hopeful. All I have to do is say 'yes' and go home. One word. Why can't I say it? Because I'm not Buffy. And these people are a part of her, not me.

"My… my name is Anne. I…I'm sorry." I hang up immediately, and curl into a tight ball on the bed. I don't even try to fight the tears this time.

I really would like to talk to her. Talk to my Mom. Tell them I love them. Tell them my leaving wasn't their fault.

Tonight Anne's allowed to cry. Because now she hurts.

The morning light through my dingy apartment doesn't clear away the grief of the night before at all. I wonder if I'll ever stop dreaming about Angel. I wonder if it'll ever stop hurting. I wonder when I'll finally be Anne. Painless. Free.

Anne might even fall in love someday. I snort and call myself on the lie. I'll never love anyone again.

And if life is love, isn't my life over?

Coldness washes over me with that realization. What do I have left to live for? I lost Angel. I really can't take the risk of hurting my mother or my friends again. I can't go home. Buffy is already dead. But should Anne die too? Would it be better for the world to have a new slayer?

It would be so easy. There's always some hotshot vamp looking to make a name for himself. It might even be over quickly. So easy. To let go. Let all the pain go away. Another slayer would be called. A slayer who could be all that Buffy was. Maybe more. She could help again.

With a pang, I realize that maybe it would be better for the whole world if Anne wasn't around anymore.

I think about it for a minute, picturing Willow and Xander and Giles laughing in the library with a mysterious new Slayer. Giles is the best Watcher ever. He could train someone to be better than me. Stronger than me. I furrow my brow as the mental image changes. Willow and Xander would try to help the new slayer settle in, like they did for me. They could get hurt. The only person I trust to protect them with their life is me. And I won't be there for them if I'm…well, dead.

And what about my Mom? She doesn't deserve to not know what happened to me. And neither do my friends. Could I do that to them? Could I let them live for the rest of their lives not knowing what happened to me? It that worse than what I've already done? Destroyed innocence, lives, and brought heartache?

They would all try and help if a new slayer came. It would kill them. The only way to keep them safe is if I go home someday.

Sighing, I almost feel relieved, as if I've finally made a decision that I didn't even know had to be made. I don't need to be Anne. Anne isn't me. She's just a place to hide until I'm strong enough to go back home and take care of everybody again. I smile, almost happy.

Buffy is a good person. I'll be Buffy again. I'll go home and hug my Mom and tell her I'm sorry. And I'll apologize to Willow and Giles and Xander…I'll make it up to everybody.

Except him. Angel. I can't bring him back. I need to learn to live without him. No matter if I still miss him everyday. No matter if I never fall in love again. This isn't what he would want for me. He'd want me to be at home, happy. That's all I want for him, too. The part of me that he had isn't gone, it's just too hurt to face home yet. I have to be strong enough before I can go back. I want to go back. That's a step ahead. I'm just not ready to go home yet.

Hangin' By A Thread

When I cry
I close my eyes
And every tear falls
Down inside
And I pray
With all my might
That I will find my heart
In someone's arms
When I cry
Cry

When I cry
When I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
Oh When I cry
There is no love,
No there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry
Cry

The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
I am so tired of looking at my feet
Or all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread

Hangin' by a thread

Oh look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh I lost any hope of having a sweet life
So I cry,
Cry
Cry

Oh the salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread

I miss you all
I wish I was
with you now

I wish …
I…
Was…

Written by Jann Arden Richards, Robert Foster. Copyright 1997 PolyGram Songs (Canada), Girl On The Moon Music (SOCAN)/Pannal Ash(SOCAN).