I can't believe I'm here. In some ways, I deserve to be here more than anyone. And in others, I shouldn't be here at all. After everything that's happened... I've been too big a part of her life, either way. I raise my head and look at her. She's smiling now, but I know the tears will come later. I'm already fighting the lump in my throat that has been there since this morning. I woke up knowing that today I would have to say goodbye. Goodbye to my best friend. The person who means more to me than anyone.

We've congregated at the airport. Willow's going away. To university on the East Coast with Oz. I always knew, even when we were small, that she'd leave me behind. I just wasn't smart enough to keep up with her. I had no idea it would be this painful.

Willow's hugging Giles tightly, the first of her tears beginning to form on her eyelashes. He's been like a father to us all these late nights. In some ways, he's cared for us more than our own parents - because he knew exactly what we laid on the line so many nights. He's always tried to protect us, in his way. He's advising her on what to carry at night in Boston, which makes her smile through her tears. Giles is caution-man even now. Willow releases him with a small kiss on his cheek. And then I see him remove his glasses and pinch his eyes as he fights his own tears. Willow was always his favorite Slayerette. They had so much in common.

I feel like a part of me is already missing, and yet she's still standing in front of me. How am I going to live without her? She's just too smart and talented to stay with me forever. Even if that's what I want. What I want hasn't mattered for a long time now. For just over a year. She wanted Oz. Not me. And I lived with it.

*Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one*

I wish I could just turn back the clock to that night two years ago when I almost kissed her over that ice-cream cone. My heart knew even then what my dumb, stubborn head wouldn't admit. I'd had a chance then. And I never took it. If there's one big regret in my life, it's about that night. I really lost Willow then, even before Oz. After the vamp was dusted, I let the whole episode go. Pretended it never happened. Because I was too much of a coward to move ahead with my feelings.

I've really been an ass these last few years. I knew for so long that Willow loved me, but it didn't matter until I almost lost her. I always thought that she'd be there when I wanted her. But then there was the night she tried to restore Angel's soul and Kendra died. That's when I knew how remarkably stupid and blind I had been. I can still remember the moment the doctor told me that she might never wake up. That beautiful, vibrant Willow might not ever smile or laugh again. My whole world collapsed with just one sentence. I felt so cold and empty. Kind of like how I feel now as I watch her saying goodbye to all of us.

That one sentence in the hospital brought home everything that'd ever been said about seizing the day or life is fragile. I'd lost my chance with Willow. I'd lost my Willow. Everything about her washed over me with perfect clarity in that instant. I loved her. Yes, like a brother and like a friend, but I also wanted more. So much more. I wanted to turn my head when I was sixty years old and have her sitting beside me, grinning that impish grin and letting me share her life. But I'd lost everything. All the chances. And I'd been not only stupid but cruel in blindly going through the motions of my hormone-induced existence. In that moment, I regretted that I'd ever known Willow. Because I'd caused her so much hurt. But then the moment changed, and more than anything, I wanted to love her and take care of her. But she already had someone like that. Oz. She wants him. So, I stay out of her way. She deserves to be happy. And that's all that matters to me now.

*I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories*

Buffy's at my side, tightly holding my hand. She's the only one who knows how hard this is for me. She's the only one who knows what's in my heart when I look at Willow. I can remember when I told her. It was interesting, actually. We were sitting in her room. She'd been home for about a week after running away, and her mother was still nervous about her going out. She was afraid Buffy'd disappear again. So we decided to say in. Cordelia didn't want to come with me, so I went over to Buffy's house alone. Willow and Oz had other plans. We were watching some Indian movie and talking about how Willow was the only one who could translate the story. And then she mentioned something about wishing time could go back. For her and Angel, mostly, I knew, but also for us. To before Cordelia and Oz, to that first day before we knew her secret. When we were just three friends. It was all so remarkably simple then for a few hours.

Before I knew what was happening, I was telling her about Willow. About how I felt in the hospital and how I felt now that she was with Oz. Buffy cried. She'd felt both sides of the pain. Willow's unrequited love for me, and my belated love for Willow. I loved Willow too late. I waited and I lost my chance. It all seemed so unfair. The next day, I broke up with Cordy. It wasn't fair to her for us to stay together, and I wasn't going to hurt anyone else.

Willow's moved into Buffy's arms and the two of them are crying. Not loudly, but enough to make my heart break. I can't stop the tears that escape my eyes. I love them both so much, and their pain is my pain. Buffy's caught my eyes over Willow's shoulder, and she's really trying to tell me it'll all be okay. I smile a little through my tears. It's nice knowing that Buffy and I will still be there for each other.

*I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard*

This hurts so much. It hurts all the more for me. I always knew I'd be left behind and I'd miss her, but I didn't factor love into the equation. I've never told her how I feel. Well, except for that one time in the hospital. But she never really heard me then. Even then she loved Oz. I wish I could tell her now. If she's leaving me and I can't have anything else, I at least want her to know that I love her. But Oz is standing a few feet away. And she's so happy with him. I can't say anything. I can't disturb that. I can't take away anything that makes her happy. I don't have the right. No matter how I feel. Because I've already lost her. So my heart breaks silently in my chest, and she'll never know. I try to cling to the belief that it's better this way. That I'm doing the right thing. It's doesn't lessen the sharp ache in my chest at all.

*But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories*

Willow releases Buffy. She's standing right in front of me and I can't have her. It's the cruelest moment of my life. I wrap my arms around her as I cry. I tell myself that if I can just hold her close enough, I can absorb her into me. I can make myself felt in her heart. I can keep her with me. This is goodbye. She won't have time for me anymore. I won't be her best friend anymore. She'll forget about me as her new friends and new life become more routine. I'm only going to be a memory. But do I really deserve anything more?

*I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light*

She's shaking with her own sobs, and I can't help it as images from my whole life flash before my tightly closed eyelids. Willow and I in the park playing at age three. The way her pigtails bounce as she runs. Willow's present to me on my eighth birthday - a GI Joe training camp. I know she saved her allowance for two months to get it. Because it was what I wanted. She's always tried to give me what I wanted. Even if it hurt her. I've been such a selfish creep. I'm going to do the same for her now. I'm going to make sure she's happy. She loves Oz. I won't tell her how I feel. I want her to remember me as her best friend. Not the guy who came to his senses too late and hurt her.

Willow pulls away from me and nervously wipes my tears away with her hands. And then she causes the most exquisite pain I've ever felt in my life. She leans forward and chastely kisses my lips. The kiss lasts for only a second, but it feels like a lifetime in my heart. My heart hammers in my chest and I feel new tears spring to my eyes as I catch a glimpse at what I can't ever have. I can't fight the images as they overwhelm me again. I see Willow and I at twelve, playing spin the bottle at Jesse's house with a group of kids. She kissed both myself and Jesse that day. The near-kiss we almost had with the ice cream. The way she looked in the hospital when I prayed to any and every God that would listen to save her. The way she cried when she told me she was moving to Boston. And suddenly, nothing matters except being her best friend. I can't have her love, but I can be the best damn best friend that ever existed. Like she's been for me.

*And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories*

"Xander," she says, smiling through her own tears. "We've got to stop this crying. This isn't goodbye forever."

I nod dumbly and cast my eyes to my feet. She grabs my chin and forces me to meet her eyes in a very Willow-like manner. She never was willing to put up with my self-indulgent crap.

"I know you think I'm leaving you behind. But I'm not. I'm taking you with me." She pauses as she smiles the most precious smile I've ever seen. "You'll always be my best friend. Because best friends live here," she points to her heart, "Not two blocks over and three houses in."

For the first time in days, I genuinely return her smile. I gather her into my arms again and we laugh with the joy and relief of knowing that this isn't the end of our friendship. Buffy squeezes into our hug and the three of us laugh and smile at each other.

*And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories*

Oz taps Willow's shoulder to signal that they have to go. I shake his hand and Buffy gives him a hug. I sling my arm around Buffy's shoulder as Giles comes to stand beside us. Buffy reaches up and pats my hand where it rests on her shoulder. It's her way of helping me through this moment. Willow and Oz grab their carry-on luggage and begin heading for the security check. Willow turns and waves once before she disappears through frosted glass door. I blow her a kiss, and like the game when we were kids she catches it with her hand and plants it on her cheek. Then she's gone.

Buffy, Giles and I turn to leave. I don't even feel like crying anymore. That's the kind of gift Willow has. She can find the good in any situation. I walk into the sun with a full heart. Willow'll come back. Maybe she'll have Oz, maybe she won't. The important thing is that we're best friends. That's a lot from Willow. It's the best I can get right now. I'll take it. No more missing chances.