I know she didn’t mean to let Giles in on it. Cordelia would have known that this was too big to let out. I know that it just slipped in a moment of excitement. I *know* that. But it still hurts.

She called a few hours ago, asking Giles about a Manock Demon who was running rampant through LA, slaughtering postal workers, of all things. Brought a whole new meaning to ‘going postal’. In an icky way. But anyway, she let it slip to Giles she thought that this might be a big one, another step to Angel’s ultimate reward for years of service for the forces of Good.

Giles was intrigued by that, and asked her what she meant. She refused to tell him, but bless Giles’s twisted heart, he blackmailed her. Wouldn’t tell her anything about the Manock Demon until she told him what was going on. Giles told me as soon as I dropped by the Magic Box. At first, when he approached me with a huge smile on his face, I thought he must have sold that mystical spy-glass-thingy that he’d marked up to twelve hundred dollars. But then he told me.

When Angel’s done fighting, he’ll get to be human.

Giles was excited to share it with me. He thought I’d be thrilled for Angel. And I’m happy for him, I really am.

But at the same time, I feel really selfish. I feel embarrassed and petty and angry. I just can’t get over that when I’m done fighting, I’ll be dead. Kinda strange isn’t it? The instrument of Good, the Slayer, gets rewarded for excellent service not with a pat on the back and a fancy watch, but with a brutal, grisly, and most likely, a painful death at the hands of some kind of monster.

A monster like Angelus.

Wait. It’s not fair of me to think that -­ even with all our history -- but I can’t help it. Angel is so much more than what he was. He’s really trying to atone or whatever and make it up to the powers that be. I’m on board with that. After everything, even though I'm with Riley now, I still love Angel. I still want good things for him. I just wish I could get good things for me too.

I wish that I could survive until he’s human. I wish that I could watch him get gray hair and wrinkles. I wish we could get old together.

God I hope this is the weakest I ever am in my whole life. I’m sitting here, in the back training room, trying not to sob loud enough for Giles to hear me. But all I can see is me ­- ten, twelve years down the road, broken, bloody, left alone somewhere to die.

Angel will end his career being able to walk in sunlight. Being able to love and grow and have children ­- all the things I only get to dream about. The twisted thing, the really twisted thing about all this? Some secret part of me hopes it’s wrong. That Angel doesn’t get to do all those things without me.

Our ultimate destinies lead to totally separate places.

God, we're more star-crossed than even I ever figured.

I am the worst person ever. I sigh, and regroup, trying to quash all these jealous feelings and bitter resentments. I try to find that sparkle of light. The light at the end of Angel’s tunnel. All I have to do is forget that my tunnel ends in darkness. Just forget. Stand up, go fight the good fight, and forget that in the end, I die.

I wipe futilely at my eyes and nose, hoping that Giles and Willow and Anya won’t notice I’ve been crying when I go back out front. Hoping that Angel does get his reward. Hoping that he truly appreciates it all when he is human. Hoping I’m there to see it happen. But mostly -- still selfish to the end ­ hoping that he doesn’t forget me if I’m already dead by then.

Angel ~ March, 2006

Twenty one days.

It’s been twenty one days since I felt my heart beat for the first time in two and a half centuries.

Strangely enough, twenty one days since a new Slayer was called as well. This is the thing ­ no one told me that the battle that would make me worthy to be a human would be the one that took Buffy.

I think I’m more mopey now than I was when I was the brooding vampire guy. I know that it was necessary; that Buffy’s sacrifice saved the world. But I can’t help but have regrets.

Being human in a world without Buffy seems a poor reward. I get to feel all the anguish close-up, as I comfort Giles and Willow. They're both stunned; dazed and unwilling to accept it so far. Riley is even worse. I haven't seen him yet where he didn't have tears in his eyes. He glares at me all the time. Angry I didn't stop her from dying. Angry I was the one who held her as she died. He blames me. Which is fine, since I blame me too. We’re all falling apart without her.

I can’t get the image out of my head. I can see Buffy, one second landing impossible blows on the hellbeast, and the next falling to the ground, a large gash through her middle, surprise in her clear eyes. I can see how her blood flowed freely, almost eagerly, toward the portal of Hell as it began to wither and close. It was as if her blood knew what had to be done, and did it.

I lost it completely and nearly ripped the thing apart with my bare hands. But we won. Buffy's blood closed the to portal to Hell, and all was quiet.

Too quiet. It seemed like I waited for Buffy’s pun for the longest time. But it never came. There was just silence. I gathered her up in my arms and let it all go then. I held her, and cried. It seemed like I cried for days. Maybe I did. I’m not sure. Willow and Cordelia found us.

Now I’m sitting in Giles’ apartment, pretty much all the time, and all I can think about is how unfair it all was. I spent over a century bringing death, destruction and misery to the human race, and in the end, I get to be one. Buffy gave everything she was in every battle, every day, until her days were taken from her. And she got nothing. No glory, no plaques, no retirement. We get the memory of her and how beautiful and talented and wonderful she was ­- and she gets a marble headstone and eternal slumber.

I’m sobbing again like I haven’t sobbed in at least four hours. I know Willow and Giles are worried about me ­- even Xander said some kind words, but nothing will change the fact that I’m here. And she's not. I’m alive, and I can eat, and walk in the park on a sunny day, and sit and do nothing if I so choose.

Buffy can do none of those things.

And here’s the thing. Although I’ll miss her more than anything, I’m glad to be human. I’m glad I’ll get to walk the earth for another fifty years or so before dying an old, lonely man who talks incessantly about a girl he used to know.

Is that selfish and horrible of me? To be glad for that chance? I held her in my arms as her light faded from this world, and even at that time, I was glad I became human.

I must be the worst person ever.

My only regret, at this point, is that she’s not here to share it with me. That Buffy didn’t get what she deserved. That her reward was so empty compared to mine.

That’s the new pain I’ll have to live with the rest of my life. Not just the overwhelming pain of missing someone who was so much a part of me, but also the pain of being left behind. Buffy, even if she didn't know it, influenced almost every decision I've made in the last ten years. I based my life upon things that might make me human faster -- so I could share it with the woman I love more than anything.

But that's all gone now. I'm alive, finally, and she's not, and even though this is how it's meant to be, I can't help but wish things were different. That we got the chance to spend some time together once I was human.

In the last twenty one days, I've wondered if the powers gave me that day of humanity so long ago as a gift to make up for this now. I hope not. I hope that the side of Good is a whole lot less cruel than this. Because my reward is totally empty without her.

I hope she knows, wherever she is, that I’ll never forget her.

Holy Tears ~ Written and Performed By Tara MacLean

Wrapped inside a twisted world
I can't decide what is even real anymore
as though I ever knew
Tangled in these silhouettes
floating face down in a river of regrets
and thoughts of you

Holy tears
they linger on
Holding you
my light
forever gone

You believed she'd never leave
Rosy cheeked and oh so young
and full of flame
Here in this bed of emptiness
Button by button I come undone
and only twenty-one

Holy tears
they linger on
Holding you
my life
forever gone

Gone like the broken words at your feet
You're gone in the venom lips that kiss me sweetly
Gone like a frightened bird into the sky
Won't you take everything I ever had
and leave me to die as I cry

Holy tears
they linger on
Holding you
my love