As she made her way to her bag, she caught Willow's worried look. Oz had yet to show up and, although it was still light out, there were enough horrors in the daylight to inspire fear.

The display flashed a number she didn't recognize. Willow joined her, a small sigh of relief escaping her. "That's Devon's house."

"I'm guessing it's for you then." Buffy looked around. "I think the phones by the old gym are working again. Don't talk too long though. Sunset's coming."

"I'll be right back." She walked away quickly.

Giles joined Buffy and slipped his arm casually around her shoulders. She stepped closer to him, tilting her face toward him for a kiss.

He kissed her softly and pulled back. She started to pout when she realized Xander had come up to them. Warmth flooded her at Giles' empathy.

"Oz?" Xander asked.

"Yeah." Buffy smiled her understanding at him. "Is everything…?"

"Will be." Xander gave the couple a smile. "At least she seems to want to be friends again. And if friends is all I can have, I'll take it."

Buffy was a little surprised at his maturity. "Will it be enough?"

He shrugged then turned his smile on them. "And it's okay. You don't have to curb those baser instincts around me. You're in a brand new relationship. Don't let my horrible luck dampen that." He looked in the direction Willow had gone. "It doesn't bother me. I mean, as much as I love you Buff, I'm in love with her."

Stepping away from Giles' arm, Buffy gathered Xander into a hug. "I love you too, Xand."

"And don't worry." He hugged her back then stepped away. "I'm not going to do anything stupid. I know Oz is good for her."

Giles was about to say something when Willow rejoined them. "That was Oz."

"We guessed," Buffy laughed.

"The Dingoes got a gig at a protest rally in LA. Oz has to leave tomorrow, first thing for a couple of days. So…um…"

"You'd like to leave early?" Giles offered.

"Um, no. My folks are out of town until Monday. I was going to go with him."

Xander recoiled as though he'd been slapped. He took a step back and stared down at his ichor-covered gloves.

"Is that smart, Will?" Buffy looked worried. "They're going to be busy. It could be dangerous for you there alone."

"Oz wouldn't let anything happen to me."

"You can't."

Willow looked at Xander in surprise, which slowly turned to anger. "I *can't*?" He turned away and started walking. Willow grabbed his arm and whirled him around. "Why *can't* I?"

"Go. Just go."

"Tell me what you meant."

"Oh, I don't know Wills. There's a giant demon carcass to destroy for starters. But I guess from your tardiness at graduation, all that takes a backseat to your newfound sex life!"

She slapped him hard and it stung far worse than any of Cordelia's venomous barbs. Willow stared at her hand then up at his red cheek. "Oh…Xan…"

"Bye Will." He turned on his heel and left the schoolyard.

Willow sank down to her knees on the concrete littered ground, her green eyes unseeing as she watched him walk away.

Giles and Buffy walked Willow to her front door. She hadn't made a sound since Xander had walked away. Guiding her to the couch, Buffy sat her down. "Do you want me to call Oz?"

"No."

Giles flinched at the hollowness in her voice. "Can I get you something, Willow? Some tea?"

"He's leaving, you know."

"Oz? We know, Wills." Buffy's troubled blue eyes met Giles'.

"Not Oz. Well, yes Oz, but Xander. He said so. He said goodbye."

"I think you're reading too much into the argument, Willow."

She shrugged, realizing they weren't going to believe her. She looked at Giles and managed to smile. "No. No tea. Thanks. You should go home. Be happy and stuff."

"You shouldn't be alone," Buffy said softly.

"I'll call Oz."

"Willow…" her voice was laced with doubt.

"I will, Buffy. I promise."

Sitting on the closed toilet seat, Buffy watched Giles' body through the louvered glass. "You think she called him?" She asked, struggling to tamp down the desire to join him.

"Oz or Xander?"

"Either. Or both." She closed her eyes, instead concentrating on the sound of the water falling on his skin.

"No."

"So why did we leave?"

He turned off the water and grabbed the towel she handed him. Wrapping it around his waist, he sat on the floor across from her. She too was wrapped in a towel, the soft curve of her breasts highlighted by the knot of fabric in the valley between them.

"You can't force someone to deal with an emotional situation. Ever since they were found together, from what I understand, things reverted back to the way they had been before anything happened."

"Right." She watched his lips as he spoke, trying not to focus on how they had felt on her skin the night before. Or on the firm planes of his chest or the damp hair trailing down his stomach to the loosely held towel.

"Willow, running on a guilty conscience for the first time in her life, posed new restrictions on their friendship, forcing a probably confused, equally guilty Xander away."

"You're good at this relationship stuff." Giving up on her restraint, she stood up and discarded her towel. Unhooking his, she pushed it aside and straddled his legs.

"Watchers are required to study the psychology of the teen-aged mind."

She took his hard cock in hand and began stroking it. "Does it help?"

"Not…not really."

"And Xander?" She asked as she guided him inside her.

"Realized he had, once again, caused Willow pain. So he stepped back, thinking that's what she wanted." He held her hips, keeping her still. "Which only made Willow assume he was just in it for the thrill."

"A belief he encouraged when he slept with Faith." Buffy arched her back, bringing her nipple tantalizingly close to his lips.

"Mmm-hmm." He flicked his tongue across the hard tip. "Are we finished?"

She rubbed the nipple along his lips. "With Xander and Willow."

His room was pitch black. He'd been tempted to even paint the walls black, but he'd learned long ago not to give his father free ammunition.

Raising his hand to his cheek, it was almost as if he could still feel the burning sting of her hand. It hadn't hurt physically. And mentally, he knew he probably deserved much worse. But emotionally, it had felt like Lassie had just turned Cujo on Timmy. Like Tiny Tim had just shoved the Christmas turkey down Scrooge's throat. Like Angel had just…well, that one didn't work anymore. He imagined he felt like Buffy had on her birthday. Every year since she'd be made a Slayer.

There was a soft knock on his bedroom door. He sat there in the darkness. It wasn't Buffy. She was with Giles. It wasn't Willow. He knew that.

Sighing, he walked over to the door and opened it. "Oz."

He stood there, simply watching Xander. The younger boy was dressed in sweats and a T-shirt, and in the harshness of the hall light, looked horrible. "Xander."

Sighing, Xander snapped on his bedroom light and moved away from the door. Oz followed him in, moving over to the desk and sitting on the edge of it. Xander leaned against the headboard. "What brings you here? Isn't this prime Willow-ravishing time?"

"I understand that you have issues with this…"

"Issues?" A dark eyebrow arched up.

"But you're hurting Willow."

"And we can't have that." Xander nodded. "Never mind that the thought of you being with her hurts me. Never mind the fact that it kills me every time you touch her. Willow should only be allowed to feel bad if it's you she's cheating on."

"She's not cheating on you." Oz's voice remained calm, although a pulse pounded in his jaw.

"No. She's not." Xander shrugged. "So congrats. You won. Go the hell away. Take her to LA with you. Fuck her senseless. There's the door."

Oz's face showed pure disgust. "How can you call yourself her friend?"

Laughing bitterly, Xander's dark brown eyes met Oz's green ones. "I haven't been her friend for a long time, Oz. And I have you to thank."

The next morning dawned clear and bright, much to the annoyance of half of the group gathered at what had been the high school. Giles and Buffy sat on the edge of the picnic table, watching as Xander walked up to them. Dark circles lined his eyes and he was wearing what he'd been wearing the day before.

"You didn't have to come," Buffy said softly as he reached them.

"Yes I did. I have to face the consequences of my actions, don't I? I mean, isn't that what I've been doing all year?" He grabbed a pickaxe. "I'll be over by the tail I found yesterday. The sooner we get this done, the better off I think we'll all be."

"Xander," Giles squeezed Buffy's hand and fell into step with the younger man. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"No."

"It might help."

"Giles, no offense, but not a damn thing is going to help me. Willow loves him. I'm just the stupid jerk she fell for before she knew there were real gentlemen out there. I got what I deserved. That's the end of the story. And trust me, before you theorize that I could still be her friend, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier hating each other."

"But you don't hate her."

"Maybe I'll learn." He turned away and started walking.

Buffy walked up to Giles and frowned. "Nowhere?"

"He's decided that if she can't love him, he wants her to hate him." He pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I wish I knew how to help them. Unfortunately, they'll have to figure this out for themselves. Although I'm afraid you, Oz and I are going to get caught in the crossfire."

"Why can't love be simple?"

"Love is quite simple. It's the falling that's hard."

"What are we doing?" Willow came up behind them, following their eyes to where Xander stood. "Oh."

"Will?" Buffy looked surprised. "I thought you were going with Oz?"

"My parents called last night, said they might be coming home early. I figured it would be better to stay. Besides, Xander was right. I do have obligations here." She shrugged. "Oz is going to call me tonight though."

Buffy draped her arm around her friend. "Ooh. Phone sex!"

Willow's eyes widened, "Do you and Giles do that?"

"Not yet, we're still on just the regular sex." Buffy grinned at him, loving his deep red flush. Placing her arm around Willow's shoulders, she led her friend away. "But I hear it can be a lot of fun."

Giles stopped listening, instead wondering what he'd gotten himself into. He really needed to figure out a way to keep from becoming the object of their gossip. He smiled to himself. Well, some way other than giving up his Slayer.

The fire was burning brightly in the small concrete pit they'd made. Willow was tending it, trying not to wonder where Buffy and Giles had disappeared to and why they were taking so long getting lunch when Xander set a bundle of demon bits beside her.

"All chopped up to kindling size." He turned away and started walking.

"Xander?"

He stopped, listening to the crackling of the fire. "Yes?"

"I didn't ask Oz to go over and see you last night. I didn't even tell him what was going on." She stared down into the flames. "I didn't want to make things worse for us."

"They can't get worse, Will."

"They can. I mean, at least we're talking and communicating with each other to some extent."

"Willow, being civil to one another and talking are two entirely different things. Let me call Cordelia and she can explain the difference to you."

"I'm sorry that my being in love with Oz hurts you. But I don't think that it's fair that you want me to give up the man who loves me for who I am…"

"And what you do to him." He shook his head. "Look, I can't do this. Okay, you had it easy. You didn't care anymore when you found out I slept with Faith. I got that. But I care. I care that you love him so much that you gave yourself to him. I care that I stopped mattering to you. I care that his love meant more to you than our friendship. I care that we fucked it all up, Willow. " He turned around and walked away again, this time not listening to her calling his name.

She stared after him, unable to stop the tears coursing down her cheeks. Tossing the stick she'd been using to stoke the fire aside, she ran after him, tackling him and sending them both tumbling to the ground. She turned him over and straddled his knees. "You're going to listen to me, Alexander Harris."

"Get off me, Willow."

"No." She wiped her tears away angrily. "You don't get to just spew out your anger at me and walk away. You want to deal with all of this, then fine. We'll deal. But you have to be ready to get as hard as you give."

"Get off me, Willow."

"How dare you say I didn't care? How dare you just assume that it didn't matter to me! Do you even remember me, Xander? I'm the girl who was in love with you forever! I was the girl who dreamed that one day we'd be married and have kids. When I pictured every significant event in my life, you were right there by my side."

"Until someone else came along."

"Yes, Xander. Someone else. Someone who loves me and isn't afraid to tell me. Someone who cares about how I feel. Someone who doesn't trample on my feelings every time he opens his mouth. Someone who wants me, not every other girl in the world. Someone who doesn't care about looks or bodies or anything other than how we feel about each other." She beat her fists on his chest as she spoke, emphasizing every point with a blow. "You couldn't even tell me you liked me Xander. You placed it all into a neat little nutshell of being attracted to me for the first time in your life. Well, guess what. Attraction doesn't last. Attraction doesn't matter."

He captured her hands and held them still against his chest. He looked up into her green eyes, wild with hurt and anger. "Willow…"

"No! I'm not finished. It killed me when you just so casually announced to everyone that you slept with her, Xander. It destroyed me. How can you say that I don't care? I told you that I loved you that night, you stupid bastard." The tears overtook her again, coursing down her cheeks. "And my love mattered so little to you that you just turned to her."

"Willow, your friendship meant everything to me. I couldn't look at you when I was trying to explain, because, for the first time in my life, I realized I was hurting you. I don't want to hurt you Wills. I want to love you, but you won't give me the chance."

"I gave you a lifetime of chances, Xander. But I was running out of lifetime." She moved off of him, lying beside him. "All I ever wanted you to say to me was that you loved me. Not like a friend, not like a buddy or a sister. All I ever wanted was to hear the words fall off your lips."

Xander closed his eyes, holding back a bitter laugh. "Well, you wouldn't believe them now. So can I go back to chopping up demons? Because it's a hell of a lot more exciting than my social life."

"No."

He sighed. "Why not?"

"Because, we've just talked about our relationship. We haven't touched on our friendship."

"No need. I thought you got it. You said no touching. I didn't touch. I didn't touch, I didn't look, I even became Oz's friend so that he'd know that there was nothing to fear from me. You became so wrapped up in him, you didn't even notice that it killed me to see Cordelia flirting with Wesley deliberately to upset me. You didn't see that whenever you touched him it was like a knife in my heart. You didn't see because you didn't want to see. You didn't want to have to deal with how you felt."

"That's priceless, Xander." She sat up and glared down at him. "And I suppose the reason you know all that is because it sounds so much like someone you know? Do you deliberately not see?" She shook her head. "I saw, Xander. And, I'll admit, it felt good to see that you were suffering. It felt good to know that I could cause you pain the same way you caused me pain. It felt good to know that for the first time in your life you knew what it was like to love someone and not be able to make them see it."

"I've known that pain all my life, Willow." He got off the ground. "Why do you think I always picked girls who were sure to turn me down? I was afraid to lose you as my friend, so I became the man you could always be there for."

"Great, you treated me like shit because you loved me?"

"Past tense rule, Will." He sighed. "It was a great eighteen years, wasn't it?"

Buffy and Giles sat in his car, watching the events unfold. Buffy's grip on his hand was painful, clenching tighter as the minutes progressed and her best friends seemed no closer to a reconciliation. "Giles?"

He nodded, remembering that, despite her seeming maturity, she was still a teenager. "Come here." Gathering her into his arms, he pulled her over the gearshift and into his lap. "It's going to be difficult going, Buffy. They've got a lot of issues to work out. And I doubt very seriously either of them is in a great hurry to admit their feelings."

"But I want them to. I want them to deal and move on so that every time I see them I don't have this horrible sinking sensation in my stomach. I want them to be the things that keep me going, keep me steady. I have enough trauma."

He smoothed her hair, petting her and holding her close. "I wish I could make everything easy for you."

She laughed softly and turned her face to his. Her bright blue eyes were glistening with tears. "Giles…Rupert, you make it easy. You make it worthwhile and wonderful." She nodded. "You also make it suck with the training and stuff, but at least I know it's because you love me."

They both realized what she'd said and smiled. "That I do, Buffy."

She stared into his green eyes, wondering for a moment why it took her so very long to find safety there. "We should go out there. Willow's going to need someone to talk to and I'm starving."

"Is it Willow or the food?"

She looked out to see her friend kneeling on the ground where he'd left her, tears on her face. "It must be Willow, because I've suddenly lost my appetite."

There were very certain things Xander swore he would never become in his life. He'd added a few after he met Buffy and learned there were things out there he hadn't known about, but for the most part, the list hadn't changed that much since he was five.

He swore he'd never be his father. He swore he'd never be a drunk. He swore he'd never be a male nurse. And, nowadays he swore he'd never be a bloodsucking creature of the night. So far, his average had been pretty good. Sure, he'd been a hyena for a few days, but hadn't actually consumed any human blood and he'd tended to the wounds of some of his friends off and on. But he'd never come close to hurting someone in the name of love and then drinking himself into oblivion to deal with the guilt.

Well, at least until today.

He picked up the bottle and emptied the last remaining drops into his mouth. He'd already had enough that the liquid didn't burn going down, although it still didn't taste good. Even though he'd just finished a bottle of high-grade hooch, as he and Jesse had called it, it wasn't enough to get the picture of Willow's distraught face out of his mind.

He tossed the spent bottle aside and pushed off his bed. The walk to his bedroom door was longer than he remembered, but he managed it without stumbling too badly. He swung open the door, readying himself to fight his father tooth and nail for the next bottle, only to be surprised by Willow. Funny, he could have sworn he'd just seen her at the bottom of the bottle. And she'd looked much smaller. "Come to break my heart some more?" He swayed slightly.

"I came to talk, but I can see you're in no condition to do that."

"Oh, c'mon Wills. People admit truths when they're drunk that they don't have the guts to when they're sober. C'mon in. We'll kill a couple of soldiers together." He staggered past her, the alcohol beginning to hit him hard, and grabbed another bottle off the shelf of his father's cabinet. "We haven't drunk together since we were five."

"We threw up together then too, I don't know that I want to relive that experience." She caught his arm as he lurched forward and guided him to his bed. "Why don't you give me the bottle Xander, and I'll put it away while you get some rest."

He laughed. "Running away again, Wills? What's the matter? Don't you trust me? Or is it yourself you don't trust?"

"Right, because some drunken fumbling would mean something special to us?" She sat down on the floor in front of his bed. "Xander, I don't want us to be the way we were today. I don't want all this hurt and anger between us."

"Break up with Oz and live in sin with me. That should solve our problem."

"Why do you always have to make my life so difficult, Xander? Why did you have to…why couldn't you just have stayed the same, clueless guy?"

"Because I was losing you. I didn't want that." He'd meant what he'd said about the truth being easier. He'd learned a lot of truths while his parents were in their drunken brawls. Learned he hadn't been wanted, learned he almost hadn't made it, learned his father had perfected the art of keeping him an only child.

"We could have stayed friends. We could have kept things they way they were and we'd still be friends."

"No Wills, you're wrong." He took the cap off the bottle and tossed down a drink. It burned going down, even though he thought he'd desensitized himself to the stuff with the last. "We would have pretended that we were still friends and then lost touch. We would have gone our separate ways and never thought about it again."

"And this is better?" She cried out. "How? How Xander? How is it better that you hate me, now? How is it better that you would rather lose yourself in a bottle of alcohol than deal with me?" She lashed out blindly, knocking the bottle from his hand and spilling the contents all over herself.

They sat in stunned silence for a long time until Xander couldn't help but laugh. "Oh Wills. You wasted a perfectly good drunk." He got off the bed and walked to his bathroom. Gathering a towel, he tossed it to her. "Dry off. Go home. Better yet, go to LA with Oz so that I don't have to see you miss him."

"You refuse to even give me a break here, do you Xander?" She wiped her face, gagging at the smell of all the alcohol. "I'm the bad guy here. I got it." She tossed the towel back at him and started for the door. "I thought I had a friendship worth saving, I guess I was wrong."

She started for the door, and Xander rushed over, pinning her to it. "No. You're not going to leave. You want to deal with this; we'll deal with it. We'll resolve it." He looked down at her, her hair drying in softly curling tendrils around her face. Their bodies were pressed together and he felt the heat start to rise inside him. His hand moved from above her to stroke her cheek. "Willow…"

She met his eyes nervously, the angry energy between them slowly melting into something far more powerful. "Xander?" She whispered softly, her face rising slightly to meet his descending lips.

His lips hovered just above hers, his tainted breath sending shivers of desire along her spine. "This is why you're afraid to touch me, Willow. This is why you insist we stay away. You felt it this afternoon when you held me on the ground. We ignite when we touch now."

The kiss, when it came, burned far more than the alcohol, searing her lips with denied passion. She wound her arms around his neck, all the while chastising herself, her mind telling her she needed to stop. Her heart telling her it didn't know how.

Xander's arms wrapped around her small waist, pressing their bodies together. The hard contours of his flesh molded to hers despite their clothing. Sliding his arms down further, he lifted her, carrying her over to his bed. He lay her down gently, holding his body above hers. Her green eyes opened wide as she realized where they were and she pushed against his chest.

"No, Xander."

Her voice, breathy and unsure as it was, stopped him. "No?" Smirking, he pulled away from her. "Of course, no. It doesn't matter that what we have is hotter than the Hellmouth itself, does it Will? Because you need to be with Oz. Because you felt so guilty after what happened that you're willing to throw away what we have for him."

"Passion isn't everything, Xander."

"Right. And that's all we have, isn't it?" He shook his head, walking to his window and pulling the shade out of the way. The sky was beginning to darken. "We don't have years of history and friendship between us. We don't know each other inside and out at all. You're right Will. Passion isn't anything."

"Quit twisting my words!" She sat up, angry now. "You know what I'm trying to say."

"I do. But it's a lie, Willow. You want the truth?" He slammed the shade back down and whirled around to glare at her. "We're not friends. We're so far beyond friends it's not even funny. But you're too caught up in the guilt of what we did to admit that you've got about as much burning desire for Oz as you did for Principal Snyder."

"You're…"

"You care about him. Maybe you even love him. But you're not in love with him. You're in love with me and you know it. He knows it, Willow." He shrugged, all the anger leaving him. "And I'm sorry that I can't be your friend anymore. But I'm not capable of pretending what's between us doesn't exist. I've tried and I've failed."

"Our friendship doesn't mean enough to you to try to save it?"

"Our friendship has been based on lies, ever since we kissed." Sinking down to the floor, he glanced up at her, not surprised by her tears. "I wanted to let you go, Wills. I wanted you to go to him and be happy, like I knew you wanted to. But I couldn't do it. Not the way I was supposed to. Because all I think about is you. And without you, I…if I can't love you, Willow. I can't like you. Do you understand that?"

"No." She slipped off the edge of the bed and sat opposite him. "No, I don't."

"I don't have your strength. I don't have the ability to pretend that these feelings aren't there. I can't pretend it doesn't tear me up inside. Or maybe it's just that you can't not see things the way that I did." He sighed heavily, wishing he could still feel the alcohol in his system. "I love you, Willow. And you say you don't love me. And I can't bear to watch you love someone else."

They sat in silence for a long moment, neither of them sure of what to say, or even if there were any more words worth saying. Finally, Willow stood. "Are you going to leave town then, or what?"

He flinched at her soft words. "I think so."

"Why didn't you leave with Anya? Or Cordelia?"

"Because I don't want to be with someone else. And I had to try…I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try."

She nodded and walked to the door. She stopped again, her hand resting on the knob. "It should have been easy, Xander."

"Should have been." He nodded and listened to her shut the door behind her.

Continues