I was looking through one of my scrapbooks, finishing up the moving process, when I realized that tonight, well tonight it will be a year.

Time flies when you're getting your ass kicked around.

Of course, no one else will be celebrating this anniversary with me. I mean, it's not really something to celebrate, I suppose. All it did was lead to a lot of pain for everyone involved. It probably wasn't too sweet for the people who weren't involved, since even they had to deal with the fallout.

I walk to my closet and pull out the tux I wore to the Halloween party. Something I had lying around, I told Buffy, not wanting to admit that I hadn't returned it to Rigby after Homecoming. I wore it again, to prom and then to the party, but to me…

Well, to me, it's about Willow.

I know. I know. It's not right or good or fair. I mean, I'm sort of romancing Anya. At least, there's potential dating going on. She's nice, she's cute, and she's…aggressive. She's everything I would have wanted before I kissed her.

Her being Willow.

It's been a year.

I'm sure that no one else knows, or remembers, as the case may be. I'm sure that I'm the only person in my room on a Friday night, staring down at a picture. Giles snapped it the night of homecoming, so it was a few days after…it. After the fluke.

We look miserable.

Shouldn't that cheer me up? Shouldn't the thought that the two of us were so guilty and miserable make me happy, let me know we did the right thing by moving on? I suppose it should, but all I can think about is how those kisses, those touches, those moments were so earth-shattering and heart poundingly good that we had every reason to feel guilty.

It's not good when you light up the sky with the man you're *not* supposed to be kissing.

I love Oz. Don't get me wrong. He's a wonderful guy who treats me like I'm the most wonderful woman in the world. And someone could get used to that kind of treatment, especially when they've felt unloved and rejected for a lot of their life.

They could also get used to feeling special. And being seen.

I know they could. Because I did.

It's a moot point. I mean, Will's got Oz. I've…sorta…got Anya. There's good things going on in our lives. We're all dealing with things, growing up, moving on.

But I have to admit that there are nights - usually any night when I'm thinking or breathing - as I lay in bed, staring up at the soft scattering of light from the disco ball, and I think about her. I relive all the moments that we shared in those too few weeks and I miss her. I miss her like crazy.

I miss being her friend, and the feel of her skin. I miss just being comfortable enough with her, without the constant presence of…everyone. I mean, I don't think I've been alone together with Willow since it happened. How sad is that?

Everyone says that they trust us, but still, we're paired off with others. I suppose it's so we won't be tempted to give into our uncontrollable urges during the middle of a fight with a demon or something. Not that we can usually get along, long enough.

I can feel it, the frustrated emotion that's building up inside of us both. I just have a feeling that someday it's going to unleash itself and we're all going to be caught by it.

I want him sometimes. So much that it hurts. I want him so much that I want to sneak out of the door and run to his house, curl up in his bed and press my body to his. Not for sex, or cuddling or whatever. At least not all the time. Sometimes I just want to touch him. I just want to reach out and know that he's there.

He feels so distant, living so far away. Isn't that funny how a mile seems like a million between us? And he's not going to college, so I don't see him all the time anymore. And now that he's dating…or whatever, with Anya, I feel him slipping away. It's like sand falling through my fingers at the beach.

I wish I could lash out at someone. I mean, it hurts that I have to suppress all this emotion when it comes to him, not that I haven't had practice, but now the emotions are stronger. They roil through me like waves, crashing down hard on my heart.

And it hurts that I don't know what he's thinking or feeling. It hurts that my best friend, my Xander, the man I've loved all my life seems to see through me now. I think he looks at me and sees me like I'm some extension of Oz.

I want to be Willow again in his eyes. I want to be in his eyes again.

It's useless, I suppose. All this thinking and dreaming and wanting. She's his now. I've accepted it. Moved on. This summer was good for me. I forced distance - the good kind - between us so we could each re-evaluate everything. I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of. I like to think that I became a better person. Maybe someone worthy of all the emotion she wasted on me when we were younger.

I wish I could call. Although it would be silly to do. It's a Friday night. She's got a man. I doubt the last thing she'd want is an interruption from me. I reach for the phone, my body and my heart not listening to my brain. Not that that's anything new.

I know this new number by heart, almost as if it were her old one. It rings, over and over and I should hang up. I should call Anya and go out and do something that will get my mind off of what I can't have and firmly back into the real world.

"Hello?"

My heart sticks in my throat, blocking what I want to say. I swallow, trying to ignore it. "Happy anniversary."

Oh Goddess. He remembers.

Oh crap. I can't believe I said that.

"You too."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Me either." I can hear the sad smile in her voice as she speaks.

"I just wanted to call and see how you are. I haven't seen you since…since Halloween. And half of that, you couldn't see me, so I don't know if it counts."

"You're not invisible, Xander."

"Not to you."

"Never to me. Maybe I don't see you for who you are, but I always see you." She laughs softly. "How's…how's Anya?"

"Odd."

"You pick the strangest girlfriends."

"No, the strangest women pick me." I laugh. "I don't always have a lot of say in the matter."

The light mood seems to disappear. "I can't believe you remembered."

"I remember every important moment you've given me, Willow."

"Was it important, Xander? All the side effects have been bad. Did anything good come of it?"

"I love you."

"Oh." I can hear her tears and kick myself. "Oh, Xan. I…I love you too."

"You've always loved me."

"Not like this."

"But it doesn't matter, does it? Love isn't enough?"

"No…not for us. Not right now."

"What if you stop? What if it changes before it is right? What if I never get the chance?"

"You think after 15 years, I'm just gonna stop?"

"Can you? Would you?"

"I can't stop, Xander. I don't know how. And it's the one bit of knowledge I don't want. I love you. And someday, I'll love you."

"Right." She sighs softly and I want to rush over there and hold her, love her, touch her. "Do…do you want to come over? We could watch a movie."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Xander. I think it might be best if we hang up and go to sleep…alone."

"It hurts, Will."

"I know. But it'll stop. Eventually."

"Right. Eventually. My favorite." I sigh as well and close my eyes. "Goodnight then."

"Goodnight, Xander."

I make sure I hang up first, since I don't think I can hold in my tears any longer. Xander has always surprised me. I never give him enough credit, even though I expect him to be everything. No wonder he's always disappointing me. I set it up that way.

Tonight…tonight he didn't. Tonight he was everything I've ever wanted him to be.

Except too far away.

A whole year away.