Back when I was five and Willow and I broke up over the Barbie incident, I was inconsolable. I came home in tears and my mother, in one of her rare moments of wisdom, turned on the radio and held me.

She told me she understood how upset I was, but that other people had it much worse. Then, instead of talking about hunger or poverty or death, she changed the station and put on a country song.

The strange thing was that it helped. Knowing that someone out there was suffering as badly as I was or, better yet, more than I was, made it all okay.

At least until everything happened with Willow. When everything fell apart. When that happened, I knew no one could ever feel worse, feel more pain than I was feeling.

Because every fear I'd ever had was realized. The fear of rejection was a comfortable one. True, I'd never been turned away by someone I really loved.

I did love Cordelia. Maybe I still do. But she wasn't the worst.

Everyone used to give me a hard time about Willow. How could I not see how she felt about me? How could I ignore the opportunity and the love she offered me?

I'll tell you how. Because I knew this would happen. I knew that no friendship - no matter how strong or how deep - can escape a relationship unscathed. I knew that no matter what she felt for me, if our relationship were to not work out, I would lose the best friend I had in the whole world.

As I sit here in the library, listening to everyone talk about the Ascension and what we should do, I realize with stunning clarity that I was, for once in my life, right about something. It was gut-wrenchingly hard to sit across from my best friend and not know what she was thinking. I'm sitting here wondering what's going on in Willow's head.

I've never had to wonder before.

And it doesn't help that Cordy has decided that the best way to get under my skin is to try and get into Wesley's pants. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me, but I don't think I'm fooling anyone. Oh sure, I put in my little witticisms as if it doesn't bother me, but it does.

At least I can admit that much to myself.

Not that she doesn't have the right and the reason to move on. I mean, I kissed Willow while I was dating her. I slept with Faith as though the other relationships in my life meant nothing at all to me. I screwed up.

Just like always.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less as she stares at him. I can almost imagine those little stars in her eyes that girls get in Japanese cartoons.

"You have the greatest voice. Have you ever thought about doing books on tape?"

I wonder briefly if she ever sounded that infatuated when she talked to me. Probably not, since I was just the guy she was dating till something better came along. "Way to focus, C.C."

Wesley blathers on about whatever it is that he's been discussing. I tend to tune him out, since I figure I know more about what's going on in this town than he does.

But Willow's voice catches my attention. She's sitting across from me and I remember a time, not so long ago, when we might have played footsie under the table, wondering if the people we were sitting next to had any idea of how casually we were betraying them.

"Which means nothing. Two unconnected events."

Ah. She's talking about Faith. And Angel. My two favorite people in the world. Well, they would be if they were the only other two people in the world and I couldn't vote for myself.

"What should we do?" Buffy asks and I know it's killing her inside, seeing the man she loves with another woman. This is getting to be a real theme here in the library, isn't it?

"Buffy, I think you should try to retrieve the Books of Ascension." I start paying attention as Giles starts talking. Giles knows what he's doing. Him, I listen to. "Check out the Mayor's office. But be damned careful. And do not confront the mayor. We don't know a thing about him."

"I'm gonna go home and stock up on weapons. Slip into something a little more break-and-enter-ish." First of all, let me set the record straight. I do not have a thing for Buffy anymore other than the typical guy hormone thing. But that is still an interesting picture.

"Right. Willow, how far did you get with the mayor's files?" Giles looks over at Willow and I notice for the first time tonight that she's not looking at me again. It seems to be par for the course as of late. We don't touch, we don't look.

We're not friends.

"Excuse me!" Cordelia sits up beside me, all agitation. "I believe Wesley is running this meeting."

"It's uh, it's quite all right. Willow?" If I didn't hate him so much, I'd almost feel sorry for the guy.

"It's all bad news. By the time I got through the encryption, the files were empty. Guess he saw me coming." I miss the whole first part of the sentence, focusing instead on the last half. I really need to get away from these people.

"Well, what about the Hall Of Records? Go to the source?" Or just have Oz throw a big bucket of cold water on me. Remember Xander? Oz? Willow's boyfriend? The man she chose instead of you?

"Good idea. There must be information about the mayor there."

"Wesley, why don't you take the group and start looking?" What I wouldn't give for Giles to just get fed up and punch that limey bastard.

"Right."

Cordelia jumps up, "I'm in Wesley's group!"

I wonder how Giles keeps doing this job sometimes. "There is just the one group."

"Yes! And I am in it."

All right. I can't stand anymore. If I have to see her hanging on his arm one more time or…I look over at Willow who is leaning into Oz and smiling at him. "Anyone mind if I skip the trip? I'm gonna cruise around, keep my ear to the ground." I think about all the pain I've been going through and wonder if, other than the physical hurt that Cordelia suffered and the heartache of waiting for Oz to make up his mind that Willow went through, if anyone else is suffering like I am. If it hurts anyone else to look at me and wonder what might have been. "I think five is a crowd."

I mean, Cordelia has a new obsession. Willow has Oz. Oz has Willow. I have…what? The memories? One lustful fifteen minutes with a psycho slayer? Friends who barely speak to me? I'm thinking that I got the worst hand in the house and all bets are against me.

Ever ready to twist the knife, Cordelia doesn't even look back as she responds. "It really is."

My eyes convey my hurt at her words. But her words are nothing compared to the sight of Willow wrapped up in Oz's embrace as he offers to drive.

She smiles at him like she used to smile for me. "They liked your plan!"

I wonder, does she miss me? I mean, Willow used to love me with everything in her. Now that she loves him that way, does she even need me anymore? Do I serve any purpose in her life?

A purpose other than just to remind her of the mistake she made?

I leave the library in search of information. Trying to keep my thoughts at bay, I think about the situation. Lonely teenager looking for errant Slayer who was his first lover and resident vampire who stole the first love of his life.

Sounds like a hit song to me.

Wonder if I can get someone famous to sing it at my funeral.