Watching her.

Well, not watching in a watcher type way. And the wrong her, but the principle is still the same. Ever since I saw her in that slinky black dress, I haven't been able to stop myself.

I'd gone over it in my mind a thousand times. In that instant, my world changed. I finally stopped seeing her as my lifelong buddy, as just my best friend. My heart suddenly started doing the cha-cha and I realized Willow is a beautiful woman. Oh, and I love her.

But we each have someone else. And neither of us wants to hurt anybody. So we put ourselves through this torture, this not-quite charade, trying to decide what to do, what to say. We've both been waiting all our lives for this, only to realize we've had it. Okay, so she's known it all along. But then, she's always been smarter than me.

So I watch her. Watch her smile. Watch her laugh. Watch her holding hands with Oz. Watch her grow nervous whenever I get near her. Watch her watch me. It's then that my world makes sense. It narrows down to just the two of us, just like it used to be.

But, this is the hellmouth, so there's Oz - who's far too perceptive and better for her than I am, even with the werewolf thing. And Cordelia - who has suddenly become far more loving and affectionate.

And Willow, she loves Oz. That's in her eyes too, when I look into them. And Oz is a great guy. I meant every word I said both before and after I surrendered to that magical kiss.

And if I'm honest, I love Cordelia.

Funny how I have the hellmouth to thank for so many things. Bringing Buffy into our lives. Sure, there was angst aplenty, but she's my best friend next to Willow. And Cordelia, a wacky bug assassin had brought us together.

But Willow, she is my heart, my soul, my home. She always has been. I've just been too blind to see it until now, when it's difficult.

The hellmouth. Again.

But, that also means everybody is too caught up in prophecies and such that they don't notice how Willow and I just stare at each other sometimes. Or that her hands flutter nervously when she sees me. Or that our conversations make a lot less sense than usual. Or that we find the oddest reasons to touch.

So, I watch her, as Cordy and I are walking behind her and Oz, me pretending their clasped hands aren't like a stake through my heart. As we fumble through a conversation while rubbing our fully clad ankles together under the desk. Who would have thought something so innocent could be so erotic. Hmm. The same could be said for Willow.

I watch her as her fingertips touch mine, and while we pretend our hearts aren't beating so loud the vampires in Sunnydale think they're in for an all-you-can-suck buffet. I watch her as she takes charge, standing next to Oz.

Watch her and wish I could do so much more. I'm so happy I asked her about the two of them beforehand, when my motives were still pure. Okay, mostly pure.

Watching is the most frustrating and useless profession. But it's all I can do until one of us slips up. Sometimes, I'm tempted. All the time. To kiss her again would justify every shattered emotion. For the ten seconds it would take for everyone's hurt to register when they found out.

I know it will happen. Life is too short. And did I mention the hellmouth? So I bide my time, reveling in our too few stolen moments.

Watching her.