I peek in through the windows to see her sitting there by herself. She's staring at the computer screen, but I can tell she's not really seeing it. I know her too well. We know each other too well. I don't think it's good to know someone so well that any secret can hurt.

I had the hardest time looking at her when I told them. I was afraid of what I would see in her eyes. I didn't think things through. A common problem, I know. I didn't think about the fact that she'd realize it was the night she told me she loved me. It was the night that, afraid she was going to die, Willow had to tell me her true feelings.

Admittedly, nothing ever came of that. I'm starting to believe that should be our motto. "Willow and Xander - nothing ever came of that." I sigh, knowing that I can't postpone the inevitable. Muttering a prayer under my breath, I push open the door.

"Hey Wills."

"Hey Xander."

She smiles at me and for a second I can pretend everything is okay. But it's not. I know that the minute I see her eyes. Willow's not supposed to have eyes like that. The last time she did it was when Oz and Cordelia caught us in…oh God.

The Irish have a belief that on judgement day, you're hung upside down in all the liquor you've spilled in your entire life. The less you spill, the more likely you are to get into heaven. I believe that one day every bad thing you've ever done comes back at you. Call it karma, call it whatever. I'm only eighteen years old, but every bad thing I've ever done was in her eyes. Every slight, every snub, every other girl in my life was reflected in her eyes.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

"About what?" She shuts down the computer and turns to face me.

"About what…happened."

"Why do we need to talk about it Xander? I got it. I don't see what the big deal is."

Willow, for the record, cannot lie. She's not good at it. She's too inherently honest. "Will, I know it bothered you."

"I was worried that you might have done something stupid. You have a tendency to do that where women are concerned. But you didn't." She smiles at me and it breaks my heart. "So, congratulations or whatever you're supposed to say."

"No more praying mantises?"

"Exactly. So, see, you were saving yourself from further harm from giant bugs." She gets up from her chair. "I have to get to class, Xander."

I wait until she's walked past me before I speak again. "So you're okay with this? We're okay?"

"Xander, we haven't been okay in a long time."

Buffy comes in a few minutes later and gives me a quick look. She knows something is wrong. She even knows what it is. But she's got a few issues with Faith herself, so I don't want to bring the subject up.

"So, you slept with Faith."

Obviously she does.

"Yeah."

"That's…strange."

"Thank you. Again you use this moment of my life to grind my self esteem into dust."

"I just…I didn't expect you to be interested in her."

"Interest really didn't have much to do with it. I don't know that I had much to do with it. I was just kind of in the right place at the right time. Or the wrong place, depending on whose view of it you take." I shrug. "I feel worse than I felt when I had Amy cast that love spell."

"You shouldn't." She smiles. "I know Willow's upset. I'm not sure why, I haven't talked to her. It could be leftover feelings, it could be shock, it could be anger at herself for still caring. I don't know. But she's not your girlfriend, Xander. And as harsh as it sounds, you don't have to answer to her."

"She's my best friend, Buffy. And there's a little more to the story than just that. I let her down."

"Maybe she has expectations that are a little unrealistic?" She holds up her hand to stop me from talking. "I'm not on anybody's side here. I'm not trying to put Willow down. I love her and I know I haven't been a very good friend lately, and maybe it's my guilt talking. But as much as Willow has loved you, you both made choices that make this whole thing kind of moot."

"I wish I could feel that way. I just feel like I should apologize, but I'm not sure what to apologize for."

She reaches over to squeeze my hand. "Just give it some time, Xander. Willow will come around. And once she does, then you can see where she's coming from."

I walk down the hall to my next class. It's funny how easy it is to tune out the snickers that still come from the more Neanderthal of the jocks. I don't even notice their jibes most of the time; I've grown so used to them over the years.

One of them gets in front of me as I'm walking, which always makes the ignoring more difficult. "So Harris, I gotta ask, is it true what they say about the quiet ones?"

I stop dead in my tracks. I have a hard time getting used to guys like this making fun of Willow. She was their saving grace for so many years - tutoring them to help them stay on the team. But now, she's fair game. My voice is dangerous, still raspy from my encounter with Faith. "What is it they say?"

"Well, I hear the quiet ones are the screamers in the bedroom. They like it rough. Do you give it to Rosenberg the way she likes it?"

I didn't mean to punch him. I didn't mean to do anything. But something in his voice, something about anyone thinking of Willow - my Willow - like that just sets me off. I'm out of my head, punching him like there's no tomorrow until someone pulls me off. I think it's Buffy at first, until the voice penetrates the cold fury that's overtaken me.

Willow.

"Figures Harris. Always takes a girl to save you." He's backing away, his nose bloody. I take a little bit of satisfaction in that.

Willow bristles. We've been saving each other all our lives. I hope she isn't going to do anything stupid. "You want to know something about me, you can ask me yourself."

He laughs at her. "All right, Rosenberg, does Harris give it to you the way you like it? Does he make you scream?"

"Yeah. He does." She takes my hand and leads me away. I'm flummoxed. She just tossed her reputation into the rumor mill.

"Oz probably isn't going to like hearing that."

"Shut up." She pulls me into the nearest janitor's closet and I'm overwhelmed by memories. I haven't been surrounded by the stench of pine-sol in ages. "What the hell do you think you were doing?"

"Defending your honor?"

"Well don't." She bows her head, refusing to look at me. "Don't defend me. Don't stick up for me. Just don't."

"Will…"

"No." She meets my eyes and that look is back. I wonder if it ever left. "Look, we have to come to an understanding. I'm not your business anymore and you're not mine. What I do is solely my responsibility. And what you do is up to you. I'm not going to interfere anymore."

"By interfere you mean what?" I'm starting to get angry, which I know is the worst thing in the world to do. I know that if I get angry all these emotions that have been bottled up inside are going to come spilling out and I don't know if our friendship can survive the fallout. "Care?"

"Maybe. I've cared for so long and it's gotten me nothing but pain."

"I see. And you're just an innocent victim?"

She recoils from me as though I've slapped her. I guess my voice does sound harsh in the small confines of the closet. "Are you saying this is my fault?"

"No, Willow. I'm just saying maybe you're guilty too." I sit down on an overturned bucket and look down at my hands. "I know I was insensitive and blind for a long time. And I know I picked the worst time of our lives to finally see you." She sits on the edge of the utility sink and doesn't say a word. "I know what we did was wrong."

I want to look at her. I want to see her reaction. But I can't bear to say these things and look her in the eye. Because if I see her looking back at me, I won't say them. And they'll stay between us for the rest of our lives.

"And maybe sleeping with Faith wasn't the smartest thing. And maybe I let you know in a really shitty way. But I didn't have to let you know at all. I don't owe you all my secrets. I don't have to tell you everything. Do you? Do you tell me everything? Do you tell me the things you think might hurt me? Did you guys tell me that the Hellmouth was going to open again? No. Because you wanted to protect me."

"You slept with Faith to protect me?"

"No, damn it, I didn't tell you to protect you. I realized when you discovered Cordy and me in the library that I couldn't tell you those things anymore. I couldn't be the cause of all that pain. I wouldn't have told you this ever, Willow."

"But you had to help her."

"We all wanted to help her, Wills. I just thought I had a way that might work. I tried not to say it."

"You should have known you wouldn't have to." She's practically quivering with anger. I can feel it radiating off of her and it's spurring my own. This conversation is headed exactly where I don't want it to go. Exactly where I knew we were going.

"Okay, maybe I did. But let me ask you this, Willow. Why do you care? You're not my girlfriend. You chose Oz. You decided to stay with Oz. So what right do you have to be angry with me?"

"You're right Xander. I have no right. Besides, why should I be angry that I told you I loved you and you went out and slept with the first warm body you came across?" She brushes past me to get out, but now that I've started, I'm not ready to finish.

"So, if you have no right, why are you mad at me?"

"Didn't you hear me? Didn't you hear me that night?" Tears are running down her face and she's shouting at me. "I love you! I told you the truth for the first time. I was finally able to tell you the truth we've both known since we were four years old, and it didn't mean a damn thing to you!"

I pull her into my lap and hold her closely. "Willow, it meant the world to me." I'm whispering but it seems as loud as her shout. "You mean the world to me. But I knew the only reason you told me is because you thought you'd never see me again."

"It doesn't mean I didn't mean it." She's still sobbing and it's breaking my heart.

"But it also doesn't mean that you're going to be with me. You chose Oz. It comes down to that simple fact. We had the opportunity and you chose him. You love him."

"I do." She sniffs back her tears. I hear her words and I want to cry now. More than anything I wanted her to say she didn't.

"I'm not as strong as you, Will. I can't sit for thirteen years waiting for you to be ready for me. I can't."

"I hurt him. I'd never hurt anyone before. I'd never thought myself capable of it."

She curled up a little tighter in my lap and I relished the warm feel of her. It reminded me of the nights curled up on her couch together when we were kids.

"I do love him. But I went back to him because it was the right thing to do. And I always do the right thing."

"What do you want to do, Willow?" I feel hope blooming in my chest and chastise myself for it. I should know better than to hope. I should know better than to expect that this is going to work out in my favor. This is, after all, the Hellmouth and I am Xander Harris.

"Kiss you."

My heart stops and I don't know what to do. Funny, especially since I'm the one with all the experience. "Kiss me?"

"Well, technically, I wanted to be your first lover, but I'll settle for a kiss."

"Does this mean…?" What does this mean?

"Xander? Will you date me?" She grins and I realize she's making fun of my attempts to woo Buffy. She's letting me know I'm forgiven.

"I'll have to see if I can fit you into my busy social schedule."

She smiles briefly before she presses her lips to mine. I want nothing more than to lose myself in her kiss, but she pulls away before I can.

"Promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"No more Slayers."